its funny, the other day i confided in a friend told them the truth. I stood up and said "hey I've been single for over 3 years and I'm so tired of it, its truly lonely".  she just looked at me in such an odd manner and said "o, you have to work on yourself this just means that you need to continue to work on yourself until she arrives". hearing those words sent me drowning into despair.  As someone who was once 210lbs I worked out and took care of himself to reduce my weight to 170lbs. I had no friends and years of improving my social skills I’ve been able to obtain a truly unique circle of friends. I went from a directionless nobody to someone who found out who they where and knew where they were going in life. I was someone who if you knew me 5 years ago would never believe me to be the man that I am today. So to hear that was truly heart breaking.... just how long would I have to improve myself until someone decided to love me. truly i felt like shit.

my life feels like one long rejection I tried speed dating twice with no success, tinder no luck, bumble nothing, meet ups, nothing but "no's"  An endless cycle of rejections.  I have had people tell me "when are you going to give up?", like fuck me aye for trying to find someone to love me. i've been told to my face, "maybe your suppose to be single". these words that where spoke to me at the time, while the other party thought them meaningless still echo into my soul with every rejection.  'sigh' maybe their right? i mean I remember being told by someone "o wow tastypeanut you have so much to offer you'll find someone" and yet here I am almost turning 30 with no kids of my own.

I recently had a friend who was in love with me she was a wonderful woman but was also attached to another man.  she had instigated it and with years of an empty love tank she started to fill it.  truly i was a dope for ever feeling anything for her but hey i'm human after all and it takes two to tango.  After months of back and forth on if I should cut her out of my life, i finally told her how i couldn't do this anymore and I had to step away.  she proceeded to cut me out of her life completely. 

on the eve of valentines day, i have never felt more alone then I do now. I mean when 2020 started i made a commitment to myself to find someone.  "this is it" i said "i'm really going to make this work" ... then covid hit. I live on my own and nothing makes life lonelier then sitting around in your appartment in silence with no where to go and no one to see.  I tired talking to someone the other day and to watch them back away from me just compounded my already sour mood. friends tell me "hey tastypeanut don't worry it will all be over soon" but with their limited understanding of diseases they couldn't fathom that this would last longer then 3 months.  I never had the heart to tell them.

now i write this note to anyone who wants to read it dear reader 'sigh'  debating if all those mean things said to me where true.  I wish COVId would go away so i could socialize with people again, and maybe find someone to love.... I hate valentines day. i think i might cry myself to sleep after a nice hot bath.... I hate my life.