So I have been awake since 10pm.....it is 4am.... church starts in a few hours.... I took a nap between 7-10 pm.... I didn't mean to, now I can't sleep. 

So I am now taking these mega doses of steroids. I don't know what the Dr is trying to achieve exactly, but here is what I am achieving. I am SUPER emotionl, my pain has intensified, and I sleep at random times, just not at night. 

I am sooooo out of my element right now, and it bothers me. 

Usually, I have the answers to the questions. I have some posssible solutions. I have some control of a situation. Or at least well informed advice....

Now - I am grasping at straws and have no idea what I am supposed to do. I am questioning everything I took as the way life is to be. I question what normal is suposed to be. I question what I have accepted as normal for years... for as long as I can remember. I question any advice any Dr has ever told me. 

I feel like things are spinning around me at times and I am reaching out but too afraid to grab anything. 

I start physical therapy on Monday. I have never been to a physical therapist. I have no idea what to expect. 

See, I am from a tough family. We were VERY POOR farmers. Things happened, and we just had to push through them sometimes to get the job done. My parents did it all the time, and I was expected to follow. And I have. 

My family needs me. I am the bread winner. I am the mother. I am the anchor. I don't have time to be sick. there is no call in person for my shift as mom or bread winner. So I push on. 

I busted my back when I was 18, and I am terrified as to what that may mean to me now.

I have met... well. ... I am not joking when I say this... probably over 100 people who collect disability and do not work for less than legitamate reasons. Now, before you start on me for not being forgiving, understanding, or all the other things I have been accused of... let me give you some prime examples....  (Because trust me - I have met just as many who collect for perfectly legitamate reasons)....

Did you know you can collect disability for being gay? Well, you can. This gentleman and his life partner lived in a rural area. The life partner had a great job in the area and was well respected by the community. He lived a quiet life, and kept his personal life personal, but guess what - in a small town everyone knows, but no one cares as long as it is not the only thing you define your life with. The other, though, wanted to live a flamboyant life - which is his choice - but he decided to file for disability because in his opinion his life style in a small area prevented him from working..... and he won disability. The reason - He was gay. seriously. He was so happy to share this with others and felt more people should file for this reason. 

Did you know you can collect disability for your own dog steping on your foot without breaking a single bone. Now, in their defense, they had a decent sized dog... a lab cross of some kind. The mom collected disability for a foot injury. So one day, we were just talking and she tells me how it started... while laughing at her luck and sucess at this. She was cooking in the kitchen when her dog stepped on her foot. She thought she heard a pop and went to the emergecy room. Nothing broken. Nothing out of place even. But, she hated her job, so she filed for disability. ... and she won. She no longer had to work because her job required her to stand, and standing hurt while her foot was healing.... But wen I met her, she had been on disability for YEARS. Best part was she told me this while jogging on a treadmill and the SAME DOG slept on the floor next to her. 

Yeahhh.... I could go on. so.... Less than legitamate. 

It is these kinds of people that I take the time to teach that being an adult and wanting a better life, sometimes takes some hard work and a little sacrafice. It is these people that I would talk to about breaking my back at 18, being offered disability for the rest of my life, and instead deciding that I wanted to work because i was just starting my adult life. 

Now I question... did I do the right thing.... ever?

Am I a hypocrite to these people if the Dr forces me to collect partial disability and not work my current full time job because of the problems it is causing me according to him.....

I guess I just feel scared and alone.