I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder when I was a toddler. Due to my diagnosis, I went to a special education school in Puerto Rico. However, I didn’t receive the academic support that I needed in order to succeed in school so my grandmother decided to take me to Minnesota and live with her so I could receive better special education services. During the years that I lived in Minnesota, my academic challenges were making progress but in 2004, my mother got promoted to work in Charlotte, North Carolina and she wanted me to go back and live with her so my grandmother and I moved in with her, my stepfather, and my sister. However, things didn’t go the way I expected because my grandmother had problems relating with my stepfather, struggled to find a job, and overall didn’t like North Carolina so she moved back to Minnesota while I stayed with my mother. When I was in school in North Carolina, my academic performance began to suffer because I wasn’t receiving the support that I needed in order to be successful in school because although I had an IEP, I didn’t have any teachers that took the time to help me overcome these barriers so I switched schools in the middle of my 7th grade year and was in a self contained special education class at the other school that I changed into. Even though, I was in a special education classroom for all of my classes, it wasn’t enough to help me feel prepared for high school so when I got into high school, I was still transferred to a special education classroom and received IEP services but the teacher who was in charge of the special education curriculum thought that I could move back into the mainstream classrooms but my performance in school began to decline and I still faced the same problems I was previously facing which got worse because due to being at the high school level, the classes were more difficult in which the assignments required greater critical thinking and paper writing. Although my mother has always been aware of my academic difficulties, she would get very upset when my grades were poor and she never did anything to invest in my education whether it would involve changing schools because she thought that I had to face my academic challenges with little to no help which made my performance worse and made me feel very unprepared for college. After I graduated from high school, I moved back in with my grandmother because my family didn't understand my Aspergers
which caused me not to have a positive relationship with them and I didn't like North Carolina. Also, my mother was very strict when it came to my grooming, was unaware of getting some of my needs met as a teenager, and unhelpful with teaching me the skills that would help me learn how to be a responsible adult. I feel that the struggles I faced during high school made me believe that I would never be able to have a career and because I wouldn’t have a career, I wouldn’t be able to live on my own since in order to do that I’d have to be emotionally and financially prepared so when I graduated from high school, I went to cosmetology school because I didn’t want to waste my time being at home all day long doing nothing, I didn’t know that about other options like volunteering that I could take until I felt confident enough to decide what I would be good at doing, and I thought that it was the easiest route to take at that moment since it didn’t require the academic skills in which I struggled with but my grandmother didn’t think that cosmetology was a good fit for me due to the possibility of facing disrespectful clients. However, when I was in cosmetology school, things didn’t go the way I expected because of my self-esteem issues, my grandmother's overprotection and negativity, and the lack of preparation that the school gave me in order to succeed in a career in cosmetology. Because neither my grandmother nor I could understand what was really going wrong, she tried to talk to the school director but nothing was ever made to help me be successful which caused me to lack motivation and get further behind in the program so I finished mediocrely but got my cosmetology license. After I graduated from beauty school, I never worked in the cosmetology industry because I still suffered from a lot of insecurities and I never got any opportunities to improve on my skills in order to continue in that career path. Since I didn’t have any opportunities in the beauty industry, my grandmother suggested that I go back to school and explore other careers that I might be interested in so I decided to go back to school and found several careers that I was strongly interested in but I still faced the same academic challenges I previously faced in high school which caused me to feel doubtful and fearful as each new semester started. Because of my insecurities, I fell into a cycle of starting and withdrawing from my classes at the middle of each semester which caused me to be on academic probation and suspension. Throughout college, I’ve had to appeal three times and I got my autism evaluations sent to the disability services office but the only accommodation I received was extra time on exams and I talked with the disability services director, one of the admissions staff, and the academic counselor but I didn’t get anything from them which made me feel very helpless because I wanted to have a college career but I couldn’t get it if I didn’t get the help and support that I needed in order to do so and due to my frustration, my grandmother suggested that I look for other options besides college so I decided to quit college but at the same time, I have had a lot of mixed emotions because I don’t know about other jobs that I can take that I would be interested in that doesn’t require a college degree. In the present, I feel very confused and worried at times because I know that sooner or later I will have to get a job and I don’t have any other support that I can count on.
Another frustration of mine is that I haven't found therapists who know how to work with adults with Aspergers Syndrome which infuriates me and makes me feel hopeless and question if I'll ever get the help that I need because I feel like there are deep rooted issues that are causing me to feel negative all the time but I can’t figure out exactly what it is that drove me all throughout adulthood to make me feel this way.
I feel like I am a bad mom when I want to cut myself. Everyone around me tells me how great of a mom I am, but I don't feel like it. My husband has given up on it and just lets me. But now that I have a child I feel even worse when she notices my "owies." I wish the feelings associated with cutting would go away so I can be a good mom someday.
Hello i am interested in this group, don't see any recent post's. I have severe dibbilitating social and reg anxiaty. Was wanting to rejoin this group. I was off this site for a llong time and i strugle to make a journal whwn i feel i can. I am kinda like a prisoner of my own apt. It is so hard for me to go out and do what i have to do. Had to go on dissability for all my mental and diggestional...