Having bad anxiety and its making me feel so small and alone, because I feel like I am the one to blame. And I just want to disappear...

Here is what happened: The last week I was suffering from a sinus infection. It seems it took over a month of dental pain and then a persistent headache, when I finally went to see a dentist. Not to mention the begining of this year was so physically tiring which put a mental strain on me (had surgery and teeth extractions) and thinking about it I feel sad, and I cant help feel sorry for myself. Im carrying around so much emotional baggage.

Well, due to the teeth pullings, my mouth needed healing and at times it felt inflamed and sore. Im not trying to make excuses (even if it sounds like it) but, because of that I think my mouth was just so sensitive that even when I brushed, it wasnt 'proper'... especially in the eyes of the dentist who stated "he doesnt want to take responsibility for how bad my teeth hygiene is" And my mom joking saying I dont have to eat anymore.. So I guess I can starve and die. It makes me feel weak and sick, this anxiety..

Its stupid but I do feel guilt and shame about it, and I am trying my best but my efforts never seem enough. My mouth still is sore and feels inflamed. After the last dental appointment I come home and I cried. Its hard enough to try to reach out when your in pain and asking for help, then to be guilt tripped for it. On the other hand, I know it is this dentist job to be blunt, and to express concern but he doesnt have to say things like "whats the point if I clean it for you, Then next week its dirty again.." Im not perfect! I know Im not! hard habits take practice and time.. whether I vigourously brush like crazy just because of what he says? Whats the point? Perhaps I am too emotional about it.. i dont know

Anyways, my anxiety was already on high thinking about all this. And my mom makes it worst, thinking that we should see another dentist before seeing that guy, its like she wants it to be perfectly cleaned for him because of what he said.Those words felt more like he was blaming/guilt tripping me. And this morning my mom says Lets seek another dentist to clean it. Sigh.. I have no courage now to face that dentist because I am scared I am not good enough and it is all my fault.

For reference, we dont have dental insurance and dont have a regular dentist. And its hard finding a nice/good doctor who will help me especially as I am in pain. Its hard in general, with so much health issues I guess.

Thinking about it spikes my anxiousness and dread. Especially when my mom felt like going somewhere else because of what the doctor said, like i have to truly be ashamed and hide.

THEN last minute she tells me I have to go by myself and take the bus to the appointment. And I dont know why but that pushed me over the edge. I ended up cancelling it and paying a cancellation fee. I felt my hands were tied.

In some reasonable world, where I am not emotional, perhaps I could have taken it, say screw it Ill go by myself (even if I dont know how to get there and I know Ill be late) but not today. Perhaps it was the harsh judgements from that doctor that turned me off or my mom persistence of seeing someone else, the money, the pain.. its everything that just pushed me hard. and I couldnt help blame myself. I just sat there crying after cancelling it.

the anxiety monster is blocking me today and I dont know how to get over it. I feel stuck and that I am the one to blame.