You say that I’m broken and I’m not fit to your standards.

That strength and confidence are what you require and I’m doomed to but only gander.

And because I’m scrawny and lacking in fortitude

I’m exempt from love and romance, maybe should go sub...for dudes.

If only life were that simple and orientation were a choice.

I would have given up on women and fallen for boys.

But I’m straight and nothing can change me no matter what a fundamentalist wants to say.

I’ve dealt with so much pain and hurt from the opposite sex that I wish I could choose to be gay.

It’s not only those I’ve longed for who have seeded this heartbreak.

But from toxicity and a troubled family, even my mother said I was a mistake.

Dead serious, said if she knew she were carrying at the time she would have aborted.

You look at me as if my issues are something in spite of that can easily be thwarted.

School was never a time meant for learning, fun, or social delight.

Everyday paranoia gripped me, sending me into panic attacks and fright.

Beatings occurred regularly, no help was given.

Was told to just man up, stop whining, and take it as competition.

It hurt so bad, being stabbed on the bus with that pencil.

I was hit in the face so much it’s a wonder how I never needed dental.

Just go out kid, have fun with the others.

Why can’t you be more like those inspirations on TV, or even your grandma’s brothers.

One of which was a fat slob who just happened to marry into someone rich.

No idea what she sees in him, as he gave me a concussion on my 10th birthday like a little bitch.

He’d tell me grow a spine and face my fears.

Funny how the guy who throws his blind dog down a flight of steps is telling me how a real man volunteers.

After a move and a new beginning.

I thought to myself, maybe, just maybe I can start winning.

I embraced my new environment, the school was much smaller.

Even made a new friend named Ryan, and he was somewhat taller.

Over a healthy few months we grew close.

We went to movies, parties, and even played San Andreas, boy that made him engrossed.

He got so excited his eyes would nearly pop from his head.

But my grandma who had custody of me all of a sudden could hardly get up from bed.

I was 15 when she died, Leukemia took her fast.

But not before she told me to my face softly that she would live forever, just 2 weeks before she passed.

My biological mom swooped in and usurped me from my new home.

I had no say in the matter, much like the slaves of Rome.

My old man fought tooth and nail to get me back.

Eventually succeeding, and having to face the horror of my old school I eventually needed prozac.

I begged to see my friends, how much I missed them.

But my old man held grudges towards my family and it was his decision to condemn.

One year went by and I lost my shit.

Stormed into the principal's office, said enough was enough and on his face I spit.

My actions resulted in a school transfer.

They put me in a classroom which required chauffeur.

The teacher was out of touch as they always are, our first day prompted debate on video games.

Of course my arguments in favor of them fell on deaf ears, she was old and lame.

This fatass bitch next to me in class kept giving me dirty looks.

My anger was hard to contain, but I forced my face back to my books.

This was my only chance to get away from that old school.

If I lashed out this time, I’d likely need to go back and I look like a fool.

Not long after a new student arrived.

Lets call her Alice, her real name now brings heartbreak to mind.

Alice was an artist, a beautiful one at that.

But the nature of our class pointed to demons inside her, which she confided with some chit chat.

Initially she took a liking to me, it was clear. 

How she’d sometimes look in my direction smiling ear to ear.

I found we shared many interests, lots of nerdy ties.

From a love for anime, metal music, video games, and even that Nostalgia Critic guy.

We got along so well she one day drew my face on construction paper.

The detail and effort made my self worth grow several acres.

Sadly there wasn’t much to be taken from it.

As her heart was soon swooned by some musclehead degenerate piece of shit.

Initially I was supportive, easing into a friendly role.

But as time went on I saw the suffering in her eyes as I soon found he tore a hole in her soul.

Every morning before class, I’d be her shoulder to cry on.

Telling me about how this guy put her down, threaten to tear up her artwork, and manipulated her through his brawn.

Everyday a piece of me broke as she went on with her stories, even got to the point where I got her number and she’d tell me dusk to dawn.

How this assclown thought it would be a sweet trick.

To prank you into eating meat knowing you’re a vegetarian and laughing when you wound up sick.

Then one weekend this prick takes her virginity. 

Only to break up with her two days later and be all giggity giggity giggity, on to my next titty.

My heart sank, and my depression worsened.

Because not long after I witnessed her cut herself in class just to get the attention of this person.

For weeks she was gone, but I still called her.

Confessed my feelings eventually, but she did not concur.

I was too quiet in class and told too many bad jokes.

Of course she gives the dickhead a second chance, why not folks.

Confusion swarmed my thoughts, wondering why oh why.

Would she rather a neglectful douchenozzle like that and not me, a nice guy.

One day I caught up to her and spoke my mind.

She called him a ‘kicked puppy’, and that she could mend him to turn kind.

I reiterate how much I confided in her during out private talks.

How I myself was kicked so much and that he can’t stop bragging how good she sucked his cock.

That if anyone needed mending from a troubled past it was me.

She responded I have standards don’t you see.

The way you look and speak, not to mention all those bad jokes are not up my alley.

Did she really just turn me down because I didn’t win some genetic lottery.

I said Alice I just don’t understand.

How me telling bad jokes is so much more horrible than the mistreatment from that sad excuse of a man.

She rolled her eyes and through some forced smile said ‘sorry hun’.

You say you have standards but in actuality you have none.

I walked away in disgust and hoped I could one day find peace.

Did I mention this delusional chick’s favorite film was Beauty and the Beast.

I pulled out the construction paper she drew me on when I got home, tearing it to pieces.

Flushing it down the toilet to clump with everyone’s feces.

Not long after that she transferred.

Leaving me a broken man and searching for real answers.

Through lengthy consideration my conclusion was made.

She only dated him to have an excuse to indulge her blade.

I looked at her facebook one last time to say goodbye.

And laughed when I read her then-boyfriend cheated on her, sigh sigh sigh.

Not sure if we would have worked out.

But she wouldn’t have had to worry about that with me, there’s no doubt.

I wiped my hands of her then, seeing she was broken.

If she truly wanted to find actual love, I’d have been that opportune token.

One year later I graduated High School.

And for four long years, I was my old man’s tool.

As he aged I needed to be constantly close.

For if I left for even a moment, I might have came home to discover him on the floor comatose.

I lived a sheltered life for his sake, it was a path I myself chose.

Because no one else would have done it, they had their own lives to blow.

At the time I was unaware my life would have meaning.

Outside of caring for my old man, his mental illness quickly peaking.

The initial years were alright.

Just me and him against the world to fight.

But as time went on and his mind began to go.

I found myself abused, berated, and without anything else to know.

My years in school were wasted as it was a fight for survival.

Those who raised me sheltered me from a normal life and my thoughts became suicidal.

For years I was told I would amount to nothing.

That I needed daddy because he’d say face it, whatever you do you’ll just screw it up and end up sucking.

In that environment my mind conformed.

To see no value in myself, but somehow I weathered the storm.

As he deteriorated and began falling.

I was left to pick up the pieces all alone as my heart went on bawling.

My time was often spent on the internet.

Trying to distract myself from the pain indulging in pornography and blasting metal on my headset.

Not long after I picked up writing.

Found I had a knack for it and it was so exciting.

Through my new hobby new friends reached out.

One from Canada I may not be alive today without.

Eventually my old man’s health became too unstable.

Had to put him in a nursing home and all of a sudden I was alone...but not unable.

Through services designated to help me.

I got my own place and finally felt free.

A whole new life began and didn’t know what to decide.

But as I made serious plans, my old man up and died.

The blow was great as he was the only person I felt loved me.

Felt alone and isolated, but my friends online became my new family tree.

As time went on and I was free to discover myself.

With no overbearing old man to brainwash me or saying ‘you no good bastard, go fuck yourself’.

It took a long time but as I recovered.

I got a rabbit on a whim, treated him like a little brother.

I always wanted one as a kid but my family always said no.

It’ll die in a month, kid, trust us we know.

I was still of this mindset, but decided to give it a shot.

Low and behold a year later it’s still alive and happy, guess my family should get taught.

Through this experience I saw in this area I was strong.

Gee, I wonder what else my family got wrong.

With a nudge from a peer, I established credit.

And a year later my score passed 700, my family’s truly pathetic.

I saw how much responsibility I had in these places.

I’ve grown more in the first 3 years without my toxic family, fuck being in their good graces.

Through trials and tribulations my heart became strong.

The problem was with people who can only see strength skin deep, to them I say so long.

During all this I learned something that hit me like a ton.

My friend Ryan from high school committed first degree murder, intentional hit and run.

I tried amending ties with my mom.

Her anger management and toxic problems did nothing to make me calm.

On facebook right before Christmas it all came to a head.

Where she lost her shit again and brought up aborting me, pretty much saying I should be dead.

I kept my cool and let her vent her lies.

Oh, did I mention this was all over chicken fries.

As I went up to my apartment after she dropped me off.

I waited a few hours till she got home and over facebook blocked her, telling her enough was enough.

That she wasn’t a good mother and was deluded.

It takes more than just a roof over a child’s head and food on the table to prevent their mind from becoming polluted.

But she had to have the last word and try manipulating me and going behind my back.

My autistic brother’s facebook account she hacked.

She chewed me out calling me disrespectful and rude.

Bitch look in the mirror, invasion of privacy can get you sued.

That was the last I heard of her, as she blocked my brother from contacting me ‘cause to her I was mean.

Unfortunately for her he secretly hates her and will soon turn 18.

So right now I’ll just kick back and wait.

My life is finally on track and I’m still looking for that first date.

Yes I’m still a virgin and I was cucked.

But in a way it helped me, as I’m not the one being fucked.

If I had been popular and gotten laid.

I may be in deep with a family I can’t support and not have the time to see how my future could be made.

Looking back on what happened and seeing myself now.

I can see my strengths for what they are and I make up for so much, unlike Alice the broken and the jock degenerate cow.

That I lived through a life of isolation and hurt yet I’m still here.

No substance abuse or self harm on my part I think speaks a lot of how strong I am, and that thought at times makes me wipe a tear.

Unfortunately not everyone sees it that way.

Wanting to conform to norms and shun those who stray.

But I’ve learned in life that people will find some reason to hate you no matter the circumstance.

I’ll be myself, and tell you to kiss the taint of my underpants.