Hi There,

I think I saw your post also-over on Lesbian Relationship Challenges. My main suggestion is to get into some counseling, perhaps individual and couples both if you can. No sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but its nice to have when you are in a partnership with one you love!! & Yes, I agree intimacy (non sexual kinds) are very important to have.

That being said: You gave some conflicting/double messages in your post. So I'm a little uncertain what else to say. You mentioned "not fancying each other and you don't click in the bedroom", that you are not sexually compatiable, that sex between you is awful"... I'm not sure, but it sounds like you have become more friends and room-mates than partners at this point. I hope you give the idea of counseling a chance, because maybe it would help you both sort things out. My heart goes out to you both.

Best of Luck to you,
Jess

I know exactly what you are going through. I've been with my wife for 7 years. I am struggling with the same decision....It's like we are best friends. I used to crave her, and the more and more I got rejected the less i tried..... So you aren't alone. I've finally come to the point where I know a change is needed. Still haven't made a choice of what to do, but now I know I will. That's a big key I think, for me at least. Finally reaching that point where you gain your confidence back by not pushing the issue to the side anymore. Facing it, rationally...not being too scared to admit the fact that you are unhappy....I know it sounds strange that realizing there's a problem is a good thing, but for me it is. Now, instead of keeping it tucked away because of the possibility that what i need to do is leave, I am ready and willing to work at making myself better, and my relationship.

I am so sorry for your dilemma. I also can relate. I am in a virtually sexless relationship, albeit for slightly different reasons. But it all boils down to the same thing; it's painful and lonely to be in a relationship with somebody you are in love with and desire to make love to who doesn't reciprocate the desire. For that matter, and I don't mean to be indelicate here, but it doesn't sound as though you have the same kind of love for one another either. She wouldn't mind allowing you to get your sexual needs met elsewhere but you would never be ok with doing that and I assume it would devistate you if she were to go out and do the same. I still desire my partner with all that I am even though we also have both gained weight and become less physically attractive over the years.
It may come down to asking yourself if this is something you could live with for the rest of your life if your partner is unwilling to try to change through counseling or other avenues. I have always felt that sex and intimacy is the one thing that seperates a partnership from a best friendship. Everything is not always that black and white, I know, because the reason there is a lack of sex in my own relationship is that my partner had to have a full hysterectomy for health reasons and I was a part of that decision, even though I knew it would probably diminish her sex drive. For this reason I feel I must stand by her and the choice we made, and I am still always trying to find ways to encourage her to make love atleast once in a while so I don't suffer from sexual frustration.
Best of luck to you sweetie. You deserve to be happy and sometimes we have to sacrifice in the short-term to find greater happiness long term.

I had a full hysterectomy and can relate about relations. I have a very hard time getting in the mood shall I say. But I am also haveing relationship problems that make me more non sexual.

I can slightly relate to what in that I'm in a relationship that not entirely without sex but it is far and in between. Not because neither of us wants it but partly because my wife of 4yrs has. She has said before that sex is something she can take or leave. I, on the other hand, have always been a sexually woman with the person I am with and have never experienced this. With conversation and patience she is making efforts to come engage more often. Sex between us is amazing we have great chemistry when we do make love so I would say if you are missing some of those elements then maybe it's time to re-evaluate your choices and go from there. I know making a decision either way will be painful but in the end you have to take care of you and if she's not on the same page that you are regarding the relationship then it would seem something has to change.