Life Beyond Abuse Community Group
We are a group of Childhood and/or Domestic Abuse Survivors sharing our experiences of life after abuse. This is a forum of hope, encouragement, advice, humor, and empowerment for men and women alike who are dedicated to healing the damage that abuse caused in their lives and conquering the effects abuse left behind.
Hey all!
Hope you all are well and enjoying summer! I just started classes for a master's degree, so I've been very busy.... It's nice to have a goal in life, though. I've always been a wanderer, and that was getting a little old. Annnnyyway...
My I'm pursuing a master's in science education and as part of the program I'm learning all about the purposes of education, the services educators are required to provide, etc... And this who thing is taking me down a not-so-pleasant stroll down memory lane.
See, my mom and her psychopath boyfriend kept me out of school so they could do whatever they wanted to me and no one would find out. They forged our "benchmark" tests and the state never asked any questions. I had a second-grade education when I entered high school. I know, right?? It was hell. Well, I've had a stuttering problem for most of my life and I learn now that I probably would have qualified for FREE speech therapy had I actually been in school. Instead my mom and her boyfriend made sure everyone in the house constantly tormented me about my stuttering and made sure I felt terrible about it. They never did get me any help.
As I study science curriculum I realize, again, how much I would have loved school, how when I did go it was such a heavenly respite from the horrors of home. I was teased, made fun of, etc, but that was nothing compared to what my mom and her bf did. The teachers were always very kind to me and I ate up the attention.
So I was doing really well in therapy and healing until I started this program. I feel like all my wounds are being rubbed raw all over again. I realize, again, how much I missed. I see more clearly just how much my mom robbed me of. And it infuriates me.
Last year I wrote a letter to her, confronting her for what happened. She essentially said she "didn't remember anything." So I wrote her another letter telling her to leave me alone, that she was not welcome in my life anymore. In the past year she has contacted me once - randomly - three days before HER birthday. She did nothing for my 30th birthday or my graduation from college (first in my family, with honors to boot).
I haven't heard her voice in well over a year. I never did tell her verbally just how much she hurt me. I only wrote her two letters. I'm currently consumed with the obsessive thought of calling her and telling her directly just how much she ruined my life. I want to hear her reaction.
Or do I? I think I have a right to tell her what I feel. But I worry that it won't go very well and I'll just feel worse. She's clearly demonstrated she's not capable of empathizing with me or truly caring about me. But still, I want to hear her reaction. I want to know what she would say when confronted directly.
Have you confronted an abusive parent? How did you do it? What did they say? How did you feel about the exchange afterwards? Did it change anything? Did you want it to?
I don't want a relationship with her, I just want her to have to live with some the anguish she imposed on me. I feel selfish, and maybe I am, but I'm tired of carrying her cruelty by myself. Thanks in advance for your input!
Hope you all are well and enjoying summer! I just started classes for a master's degree, so I've been very busy.... It's nice to have a goal in life, though. I've always been a wanderer, and that was getting a little old. Annnnyyway...
My I'm pursuing a master's in science education and as part of the program I'm learning all about the purposes of education, the services educators are required to provide, etc... And this who thing is taking me down a not-so-pleasant stroll down memory lane.
See, my mom and her psychopath boyfriend kept me out of school so they could do whatever they wanted to me and no one would find out. They forged our "benchmark" tests and the state never asked any questions. I had a second-grade education when I entered high school. I know, right?? It was hell. Well, I've had a stuttering problem for most of my life and I learn now that I probably would have qualified for FREE speech therapy had I actually been in school. Instead my mom and her boyfriend made sure everyone in the house constantly tormented me about my stuttering and made sure I felt terrible about it. They never did get me any help.
As I study science curriculum I realize, again, how much I would have loved school, how when I did go it was such a heavenly respite from the horrors of home. I was teased, made fun of, etc, but that was nothing compared to what my mom and her bf did. The teachers were always very kind to me and I ate up the attention.
So I was doing really well in therapy and healing until I started this program. I feel like all my wounds are being rubbed raw all over again. I realize, again, how much I missed. I see more clearly just how much my mom robbed me of. And it infuriates me.
Last year I wrote a letter to her, confronting her for what happened. She essentially said she "didn't remember anything." So I wrote her another letter telling her to leave me alone, that she was not welcome in my life anymore. In the past year she has contacted me once - randomly - three days before HER birthday. She did nothing for my 30th birthday or my graduation from college (first in my family, with honors to boot).
I haven't heard her voice in well over a year. I never did tell her verbally just how much she hurt me. I only wrote her two letters. I'm currently consumed with the obsessive thought of calling her and telling her directly just how much she ruined my life. I want to hear her reaction.
Or do I? I think I have a right to tell her what I feel. But I worry that it won't go very well and I'll just feel worse. She's clearly demonstrated she's not capable of empathizing with me or truly caring about me. But still, I want to hear her reaction. I want to know what she would say when confronted directly.
Have you confronted an abusive parent? How did you do it? What did they say? How did you feel about the exchange afterwards? Did it change anything? Did you want it to?
I don't want a relationship with her, I just want her to have to live with some the anguish she imposed on me. I feel selfish, and maybe I am, but I'm tired of carrying her cruelty by myself. Thanks in advance for your input!
Of course you have every right to tell your mom how you feel.
When I was with my abuser, I spent a lot of time trying to get him to understand how his actions affected me. It was like banging my head up against a brick wall. After I left, I wrote several good bye letters over the course of a year or so, pouring out all of my feelings. I then created a 'burn & release' ceremony & did it under a full moon. As time went on, I continued to 'cut cords' & release. I made the decision that I didn't need him to get closure.
IMHO confronting an abuser only serves to feed them further. I think its important to look at what you want to get out of telling her. If you just want to say it to her & you don't have any investment in the outcome (i.e. how she responds), then tell her. But if your intent is for her to KNOW how what she did affected you and possibly apologize, then don't bother because abusers don't get it. They only care about how THEY feel. They don't, won't or can't see how what they do affects others. They rarely ever take responsibility or hold themselves accountable for their actions. Even those times they do apologize, its usually just to suck their source back into their web. This is typical abuser behavior.
It might help to find a therapist who specializes in abuse recovery. You don't have to carry her cruelty w/you any more.
Big hugs!!!
Of course you have every right to tell your mom how you feel.
When I was with my abuser, I spent a lot of time trying to get him to understand how his actions affected me. It was like banging my head up against a brick wall. After I left, I wrote several good bye letters over the course of a year or so, pouring out all of my feelings. I then created a 'burn & release' ceremony & did it under a full moon. As time went on, I continued to 'cut cords' & release. I made the decision that I didn't need him to get closure.
IMHO confronting an abuser only serves to feed them further. I think its important to look at what you want to get out of telling her. If you just want to say it to her & you don't have any investment in the outcome (i.e. how she responds), then tell her. But if your intent is for her to KNOW how what she did affected you and possibly apologize, then don't bother because abusers don't get it. They only care about how THEY feel. They don't, won't or can't see how what they do affects others. They rarely ever take responsibility or hold themselves accountable for their actions. Even those times they do apologize, its usually just to suck their source back into their web. This is typical abuser behavior.
It might help to find a therapist who specializes in abuse recovery. You don't have to carry her cruelty w/you any more.
Big hugs!!!
@Schims - I think you're probably right. I have sent two letters, and written a few I didn't send, but it's probably time to write another that won't get sent. I probably just need to let out all the frustration in her direction, but not actually at her. Maybe writing another letter will give me clarity about calling her. I HATE writing those darn letters, but I do feel better after I do it. sigh...
Sorry I didn't reply sooner to this post. I've been lost in a mess of cardboard boxes!!
I struggled with confronting my mother. When I first joined DS that's pretty much where I was at......realizing the totality of what childhood psychological abuse did to me and my life. I wanted so much to rage at my mother, but I had done that from the time I was a teenager and it never worked. I wanted to write her letters and I did...like 8 of them, but I never gave them to her. Each writing took me to an entirely new level of understanding and brought forth a whole new round of anger and pain. Finally, I took the fingertip bowls and bread plates of the china set that was from her marriage to my father.....it has been mine for years and years. I took them out to my garage one night after the kids were in bed, put them in a garbage bag, grabbed a hand towel and shoved it in my mouth, then hammered the living daylights out of those bowls and plates. Then I screamed and cried until I just couldn't anymore. My fiance sat behind me, with one hand on my back and just let me do it. He didn't say a word. He just rubbed my back. It was probably one of the most freeing moments of my life.
Those dishes were the very same dishes my mother made me scrub over and over and over and over until they met with her standards of perfection.....beginning when I was 7 years old. They represented everything about the way she treated me.....I was Cinderella......never allowed outside to play, never allowed to spend time with friends, always cleaning, fetching, and being laughed at. It felt amazing to destroy those dishes with all my rage and pain. It felt incredible to scream out the way I had always wanted.
I'm not saying what I did is for everyone, but it worked for me. The next day, I woke up and felt lighter than I ever had in my life, despite having one hell of an emotional hangover. A few weeks later, after writing some more and working with my therapist, I looked up Narcissistic Mothers on the internet. I read articles that described my mother as if I had written them. The descriptions were my words exactly!! Things I had been saying for years. I sat and just cried while I read. And when I was finished, I grabbed my pillow and blanket from the bed, turned out the lights, piled myself up on the couch in a nest like I used to do as a little girl, grabbed the box of Kleenex, and sobbed....not caring for anything in the world if I had things to do the next day. I didn't care how long it would take me to cry it out, I was nestled down ready to take all the time I needed. And so I did. I let it all go and I cried.....cried because I never really had a mom.....I had a slave driver. I let each tear fall, knowing the illusion was irrevocably shattered.
A couple of hours went by and then wave upon wave of understanding came to me.......I was NORMAL. I was GOOD. I always had been. There wasn't anything wrong with me after all......there was something wrong with HER. I didn't just THINK those thoughts....I FELT them, deep down inside. I was finally FREE.
I wish I could say confronting Mom works, but I knew in my heart that it wouldn't do me any good. I had been confronting her my whole life. Every time I fought back. Every time I slammed my door as a teenager. Every time I did exactly what I knew would annoy her....on purpose. All of it. Every time as an adult that I reminded her I was not a child....that it was my life not hers.....all those things were confrontations.....all of which served to fuel her further.
I wanted to go No Contact, but I realized that my youngest wouldn't understand. He's still young enough to think Grandma is the most awesome lady next to Mom. So, instead, I just simply stopped telling her anything important. I don't spend time with her. I don't give her fuel for her so-called worries. And I don't pander to her bullshit. She still tries, but now I have this wall against it. I simply tell her...."It's none of your business, Mom." And if she tries to guilt trip me....."It's not my problem, Mom. If you want to sit and worry about that, feel free." I just let her know that I'm not really listening. She can't win anymore in her game and it drives her crazy. Thankfully, she doesn't take it out on her grandchildren. If she did, I would go No Contact.
But, now that I'm moving 1200 miles away from her......she really won't have clue about my life day to day. And THAT is just fine by me!!