Hi MyTrueColors,

Glad to hear that you are doing well after everything you've been through. I hope to one day be where you are now.

I just ended a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship a couple of months ago and have been in therapy since then. In the process of my therapy, I found out that I'm used to abuse and it's become "normal" for me. I grew up in a mentally abusive, controlling, and manipulative family. Everyone in my family has abused me.

So far, I'm trying to regain control over my life. It's a struggle every day because it's so overwhelming, but I'm making some progress.

Hi silverlining4hope, I'm glad you found DS & this group! And good for you for getting out & taking good care of yourself. I posted this to give others hope. It takes time. The longer we lived in abuse, the longer it can take to heal. It was a huge struggle for at first. But it slowly started to get better, the more I focused on my healing.

Besides therapy, the one other thing that helped me the most is my daily gratitude list. Event that was a struggle at first. I stopped & started many times. At first all I could be thankful for was waking up. But gradually I kept adding more & more to my list. I discovered that the more I saw, the more I saw. :-) It caused a huge shift in how I see things.

Other helpful tools are meditation, Reiki (energy work), EFT, guided imagery (there are some great CDs on www.healthjourneys.com. They even have a free download!) and the 40 day abundance plan (http://www.innerself.com/Money_Matters/prosperity_plan.htm). This 40 day meditation isn't just about money, it's about healing & gratitude & anything else you want in abundance. I have done it twice & was totally amazed at the results.

Hugs!!

MyTrueColors, what do you mean by being connected to your Source? Does you find that Reiki really works? Thanks for the internet sites.

Hi Schims. By Source I mean God, Goddess, Universe, Higher Power, etc... who/whatever is responsible for creating & sustaining life on Earthy & the Universe. I use Source because I heard Dr Wayne Dyer refer to it that way and I really liked it. Here's a link to his short description of Source. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzixPhGF6ds


Yes, Reiki really does work. It's all about allowing energy to move thru us & heal us. Reiki means Life Force Energy. There are many different ways to practice it. The idea behind it is that everything is made up of energy. Energy, therefore, comes in any form imaginable, so why not a form for healing? Many use it as a way to lessen stress. I've seen it work in amazing ways. My first experience with it was 15 yrs ago during a massage. I could feel the energy even tho at the time the massage therapist wasn't touching me! But I had no clue what it was all about. Then I forgot about it until a few yrs ago when my current massage therapist reintroduced me to it. Now, I practice it all the time and it too is all about connecting to my Source because the Source is the source of everything, including energy.

I hope this helps. I am happy to answer any questions you might have.

This is so inspiring, and way to go! I think this is something that I really struggle with at times. Sometimes I tend to label myself as a survivor, or victim, and it keeps me in the past. It can be hard to choose to stick with the here and now, but it is something I am working on. Kudos to you!

Hi sassy, Thank you! And kudos to you for working on changing how you see yourself. It takes time & practice. I still remind myself it's a process of progress, not perfection. :-) What helps me the most is stopping to be grateful. Gratitude is an easy way to stay in the here & now.

I am soooooooo incredibly happy for you MTC!!! Those are wonderful affirmations for the YOU of NOW!!

I think it is a very valid point you make about how thinking of yourself as a victim or survivor keeps you tied to the past. I find that to be true myself. Whenever I put my thinking on how I was a victim, I tend to become a victim all over again....without the abuser present. And when I think in terms of being a survivor, I tend to dwell in that past, not painfully, but still in another time....a time that has come and gone and no longer exists. And thus, in a similar fashion as you are doing, I make a concerted effort to keep myself in the present.

This step you have taken is such a healthy one!!! Kudos!!!

glad ur doing well. i have been in therapy since july 30 2012 and been loving it. man, did i do tons of crying which i never wanted to because i felt i was done with crying. it's sooo embarrassing! i have been doing coping skills which really did help bring my blood pressure down back to its normal range. im 26 yrs old no kids but has a bf of 7 yrs. he is the only one who has been truly supportive more than anybody else i met and 2 ppl i know from shabbat.

my therapist (female) and i have been talking about forgiveness and how my needs were never met with my parents once in a full blue moon they were and how i was always in a spiral argument with them too. this problem has been going since i was under 10 and started to get seriously worse at age 10 and above. she does not know i live at home but knows i am not working and thinks i am staying with my bf and his dad and moving in with his mom.

she wants me to get away from the past and focus on the future. of course, we are talking years and years of this problem not gonna be easy for to get out of the past. she said ur an adult and u can do things for yourself, i told her all i do is cry about everything i am doing that's all i've done. i remember my mom always saying how she was gonna "break me out of that habit of crying for trying to do something," it never happen too late now!

she always says dumb things like that i told her should have done that when i was still a kid instead of yelling then she yelled when i said that lol. how do u get rid of the past and ur still living in a hostile environment? this is still a huge struggle for me and not easy to overcome i am still in fear...

Hi ladytiger. I think its really really hard to let go of the past when you are living w/the abuser(s). I couldn't do it as long as I lived w/the abuser(s). I started reading self help books when I was a teenager because I thought something was wrong with me. I continued trying to find THE book that would "fix" me. I went to countless therapists during my marriage. Nothing I tried seemed to stick. I realize now that as long as I was in a toxic environment, it was next to impossible. However, I will say that therapy helped me survive while I was there.

Please tell your therapist you're still at home. She will be able to better help you if she knows your circumstances. She can give you coping skills and even help you figure out ways to take care of yourself and/or respond to the abuse. It might also help to go to the support group at your local women's shelter. Most groups are free and the only requirements are that you are being, or have been, in an abusive relationship.

There is a great website, www.healthjourneys.com where you can download a free guided relaxation meditation that I have found very helpful. All you have to do is sign up for their newsletter & you can always unsubscribe after you download the meditation. Anything you can do to nurture yourself on a regular basis will help you get thru this.

Take good care of you!!!

Thank you Jillie, I really appreciate your comments! I know you are on a similar path and doing great! You are a true inspiration!

reply #9,

i have been doing coping skills for several weeks. my DES paperwork goes to my bf's house for safekeeping as i do not want that info to come to my house. my sister suggested i have the state send the info to his house where he can hold onto it. my bf told me it is impossible to have a happy face and be at peace of mind still living in that dump.

the only advice i have ever gotten from people is move out or move in with a friend/family member. i told them my friends deserted me, so how do you move in with no job and still looking for work? had an interview last week but did not get the job. so it is next to impossible to move in with someone who is gonna let you live for free until you get a job. i wouldn't mind doing a trade like i live there rent free while i take care of the house or pets (no kids). i am not sure how that would be plausible but a woman i talked to on here a while back told me that is what she is doing but this woman she lives with is her best friend.

i told these people on here my brother lives in CO do not like his wife and my sister is on the naval base in japan with her naval hubby. i made it clear to them i am not leaving my bf that we will do this together as he knows the whole history of my life! she has told me ways how to respond to the abuse; well, we talked last week about how we (parents and i) fight and how it is just a vicious nasty cycle that just loops and loops but never ends.

she told me how they mostly provoke fights and get me trapped in it. she told me to think about expectations of what i had for my parents and let her know what i came up with. i wrote on MS Word and excel on expectations from them that were never met whether its now as an adult or growing up, i am writing it out to see what my therapist was saying. i wrote a conclusion about it and saw nothing in my family was ever agreeable that it was based off their "motives and moods" to do anything or "whenever they felt like it, had to been based off their worthless schedule," i was like what does that mean?!?!?

my parents and i mostly mom have argued for hours and hours over the same thing or nothing at all. i have my appt tomorrow afternoon with my therapist. id rather live with someone i know like my bf, but he is in the process of moving to his mom's because he still can not find work and his dad is gonna get married in another month.

overall, no, i am not happy at home i never was as a kid hence is why CPS never got involved they said my mom was normal anybody can fake normal! other family relatives, i do not know them at all they are just as bad as my parents if not worse. these coping skills are helping me to take care of my emotional needs, i need skills on how to take care of myself physically being an independent adult. my therapist says life skills is offered only for those who are severely disabled or homeless who need those skills again to live indpendently she asked her supervisor for me. the behavioral customer service was not hat help at all and she said they dont really offer much help to patients on the phone

i just dont want DES to know i still live at home and end up losing my benefits because that is all i have. without that, i have no money for food and no medical insurance. DES will say you got parents have them provide for you blah blah blah, hence is why i cant tell the gov anything about them because i went there to get money for job training from the stimulus and i still cant seem to do that yet because plans get pushed back every time. i have no money for gas for my car or money for a bus fare.

the hoops u gotta go thru here in AZ to show proof of income just to get shit done! i have to rebuild my assets all over again because it was spent up 2 yrs ago during our fire incident in our old unit. women's shelters, ahh yes, i remember in 97 (age 11) how my mom called a woman's shelter so she can get away from my dad but never took it and refused to "be put on welfare." it was her chance for freedom and a divorce for a happy life, but she chose not too.

someone on here suggested me that a long time ago. i told her isn't that for domestic violence issues? she said yea but ur case is domestic violence just with ur parents it is an abusive environment and has been for you for a very long time. i said doesnt that sound risky though? i told this lady it has been nothing but verbal abuse, some physical, death threats, and what i found out recently is my dad sexually abusing my 1st born half sister whom i dont know.

3 yrs ago, i was sleeping in my room and my dad was up in the morning about to go somewhere. i had to get up soon to take my final at college. mom told me he was nude from the shower and peeking into my room i guess was gonna go in there butt naked or something. she told me this later on, but she told my sister (2nd oldest one who i have a bond with) bout it and she blew up on the phone telling her r u gonna let this happen to ur youngest child like u let it happen to Rica (half sister)?

big fight over the phone with them resulted in my mom i think hanging up on my sister. after now 32 yrs, my mom thinks my dad "molests girls," as i have seen him flirt with teen girls and she has too. my bf told me u need to leave that environment i told him but how? no money, no job, no real friends who i can be a roomie to, no real resources etc. what do i do?

all i ever wanted was freedom. my sister told me to stay at a homeless shelter that is not happening for me, let them help me, find me a job, and get me assistance living here (not sure how that works in AZ they dont take care of their homeless ppl here).

i have been to a support group before not for abuse but for another issue. i didnt feel comfortable sharing my story to strangers although the ppl were nice and helpful, i saw it as a threat and inferior because every time i would share my story; you wont believe how i have been called a liar all my life and how "im this ungrateful child who lies on my parents," when i am always treated like the bad guy all the time while my parents get a pat on the back as if it is nothing!!! ppl dont see sociopath and narcissus...i do!!!

maybe ill look it into and discuss it with my therapist. when i was a teen, i used to pray to god (was not a believer) asking him to find me someone whom i can live with away from this abuse and be gone for good.i never got an answer here i am at 26 still living in this abuse. during our fire incident 2 yrs ago, i asked red cross to help me get a place as of no job etc because my parents refused the help from them saying it is part of the gov and will put us on welfare. red cross told me they couldnt help me with living assistance i would have to contact HUD and now HUD has a 2 yr waiting list!

i told my therapist the truth about my situation and she was very understanding about it me living at home not my bf

I love what you said about remaining in the past because you keep calling yourself a victim, I agree. I am no longer a victim, because I choose to not see myself that way anymore. It is a freeing feeling, when you decide that you are lovable, loving, and loved, lol stole that from coda, and coda helps me tremendously. I don't necessarily go around talking about my situation anymore, because it happened, it's over, and I am trying to move forward. Even if I still do see him and talk with him, I'm not the same person I was two years ago, so I have evolved. I love all the positive affirmations you used, it sounds like you have definitely shined a light on this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.