Life Beyond Abuse Community Group
We are a group of Childhood and/or Domestic Abuse Survivors sharing our experiences of life after abuse. This is a forum of hope, encouragement, advice, humor, and empowerment for men and women alike who are dedicated to healing the damage that abuse caused in their lives and conquering the effects abuse left behind.
Today I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as result of long term, from childhood to adolescence verbal and physical molestation by my mother's lover back then, in a disfcuntional parental home. By this almost 20 years of silence, with emotional and physical pain was broken, thanks God. The list is wide and in a way I'm just at the beginning of a long journey, to cope with anxiety, non restorative sleep, muscle and joint aches, agoraphoby, hypersensitivity to noise, lights and fast movements around me, intimacy challenges. Sometimes I feel like it's all just too much for me in my early 30s to cope with, single and on benefits because of my recent inability to work okay.
My mother's still disfunctional, I'm her only child and she's my only parent and available relative though I moved far from her as her current mate in many ways is a mirror image of my molester (she herself had an abusive father and so her new mate), and as she's a relationship addict she's been using me too as an emotional soft toy to squeeze ever since my father died (I was not even ten then). Anyways, two years after my long term relationship with a narcissistic, verbally/emotionally abusive mate, finally I have the courage and fine chance to move out from his appartment with council help and also, I'm going into therapy and a life rebuilding self-help program during summer.
When I get my "own" little place, I'll be the first woman in my mother's family who will live just by herself :) I really would like to find my Soul Mate, get married and start our own family even if that means only a dog/s. But first, I feel like I should focus on MY wellbeing at last. So far I've managed to avoid repeating my mother's life story of being stuck in a bad marriage and not being able to raise the child properly.
It was this week that I talked to others, to my social worker and my doctor, about those years of molestation. It was this week that I was diagnosed with PTSD. It was this week that I handled in my housing claim.
It was this week that, again, like so many times before, I saw the Divine Support working 120 % for me - my big thanks to God :) My faith in a god and in angels have always been my strongest haven besides Earth angels aka some human beings.
My mother's still disfunctional, I'm her only child and she's my only parent and available relative though I moved far from her as her current mate in many ways is a mirror image of my molester (she herself had an abusive father and so her new mate), and as she's a relationship addict she's been using me too as an emotional soft toy to squeeze ever since my father died (I was not even ten then). Anyways, two years after my long term relationship with a narcissistic, verbally/emotionally abusive mate, finally I have the courage and fine chance to move out from his appartment with council help and also, I'm going into therapy and a life rebuilding self-help program during summer.
When I get my "own" little place, I'll be the first woman in my mother's family who will live just by herself :) I really would like to find my Soul Mate, get married and start our own family even if that means only a dog/s. But first, I feel like I should focus on MY wellbeing at last. So far I've managed to avoid repeating my mother's life story of being stuck in a bad marriage and not being able to raise the child properly.
It was this week that I talked to others, to my social worker and my doctor, about those years of molestation. It was this week that I was diagnosed with PTSD. It was this week that I handled in my housing claim.
It was this week that, again, like so many times before, I saw the Divine Support working 120 % for me - my big thanks to God :) My faith in a god and in angels have always been my strongest haven besides Earth angels aka some human beings.
it's gonna be the very first independent female home in my mother's family, in our very traditional family. W and O and W!!! 8) God IS great, hallelujah!
One would say, perhaps it was a bit too much at once as life experience... but life's from heavens I think and God is LIVING :) So our lives should be about living and growing bigger than fear, too, in my opinion.
I did that shopping with my ex as I'm still not using public transportation by myself or any vehicle and situation that's not controlled by me (yep, another aspect of post abuse PTSD but it's funny if you learn to smile gently at yourself ;) ), but at this point what matters is that the very first time in life and in my female ancestors' history I have my own toaster, bath mat, cutlery and so on. AMAZING, SCARY, BEAUTIFUL, EXPLODING, MOST LOVING feeling at once, on a metaphoric level it's like holding my first child in my ams for the very first time (as I imagine it since I don't have any so far O:) ), asking myself: How the heck I'm gonna do this from now on?? and still, knowing that I just know how to do it and I can perform even superb!
Two days ago was the very first time that we mutually made compliments to each other with S., the most righteous man in my eyes I've ever met in this life and for whom I'm falling. Don't know yet where this aquaintance will take us but for now it is not what matters. To me what matters the most now, besides loving his personality and callings in life to bits Smile, is that he's the first man in my life who appreciates me solely for my strongholds while accepting my challenges as parts of my life and still keeps on praising my power to crreate the best from my life.
Ladies who've been abused, molested, disturbed while growing up, have you noticed that your past relationships were with controllers, emotional prisoners, humiliators, aggressors, narcissistics?...
It simply mirrors that once we were
controlled,
caged emotionally,
humiliated,
treated aggressively and/or
ignored.
My exs technically praised that I was a victim, weak and pressurized, hiding and self-sacificing by their attitude towards me and so subconsciously they made me much more of a victim.
S's appearance in my life makes me somewhat afraid, beacuse it means my life's now IN MY HANDS and my, that is responsibility! Laughing And on the other hand, his presence is a guiding light to a much better future of mine because he's also my best side and an angelic reminder that I CAN.
You can. You are worhty. You are beautiful. You are capable.
Please, never ever give up on yourself, darling. Whether you're female or male and has been abused in any way - you are and still will be somebody's true darling :*
Your post resonated with me as I also came from an abusive childhood. My sisters were molested by our step father and he was "grooming" me. He left us when I was 9. (Like dying except that it implies he did not want us.) My mother would tell people that she broke into tears when she found out she was pregnant with me. (She repeated this story for years in front of me.)
I am nearly 60 and have been in and out of addiction and recovery and intense counseling since I was 20. With each round of counseling and recovery my relationships improved. Still not perfect, but I am better at having loving relationships filled with kindness now. I mean all relationships, not just my mate, but my relationships with friends, family members, store clerks, co-workers, acquaintances, waitresses - everyone.
Perhaps because I have gained the skills through self help, counseling and determination to be a better person, to:
1. recognize when people are being unkind and not demonstrating love
2. get the heck away from them.
3. become a person that is kinder and loving
4. not put up with less
I hope that you are still doing well, are using all the tools you have available to overcome the deep damage that has been inflicted on you. Hang in there and know that you are not alone.