Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I am a 45 year old divorced woman of 2 1/2 years with two children ages 18 and 12. I don't even know where to begin. I was married to my ex-husband for 20 years. He made good money and I was a SAHM. He didn't care about raising the children or helping with any of the housework. He liked to work, come home and do as he pleased. I loved staying home with our children and in my heart knew it was the best thing. I was verbally abused due to his lack of support. I was a "freeloader, sap and "I would never amount to a hill of beans. I was belittled for gaining weight and just never could do anything right in his eyes. He always told me "you are the love of my life". I thought if this is love, then what is hate? Anyway, about 2 years ago he told me that he had an unprotected affair with his cousin's wife. Three years prior she had a child from another man that was not her husband. At that time I thought my husband was "my diamond in the rough" as far as being monogomous". He told me the affair went on for 8 years on and off. He thought she was "safe" and that I needed to be checked! WHAT? My life started to spiral out of control. I tried to heal and save out marriage. He continued to put her up on a pedastal. She was skinnier then me, cleaned better then me, and brought money into the marriage. I was belittled for not "contributing" when I was doing EVERYTHING for him! I am a college graduate so I am employable. He ended up kicking me out of "his house" and telling me to get the "f" out of his house because I don't contribute! What? Fast forward to today. I have always had high morales and my husband is the only man I have had sex with. I see him move on with women who have no class, are bigger then me and he puts them up on a pedestal. I am now working and trying to heal. I don't date and I feel like such a failure for my marriage ending. I think in my mind that others would think I was a freak because I am 45 years old and has only had sex with one person. I thought he would be the one for me. There was nothing I wanted more in life then to have someone to be there for me, have compassion and treat me like a human being. He tells me I didn't contribute so I shouldn't have gotten what I did out of the divorce. How can I heal? I go to work, take care of my youngest child and try to see something bright in the future. I don't see it. Any advice? The most enjoyable thing in life is being a SAHM. I know all men are not selfish but I am totally destroyed at this point
I know some of your post was venting, but he sounds pretty awful. This is the start of something new and exciting for you. I know you may have been pushed into it by circumstances but you can get something out of it by making a new life that you want. It may not be focussed on the same things but it can be GOOD. Did you ever want to take a flying lesson or just do something crazy - well now you can decide to do what you want without permission. And on meeting new people - well no hurry but it should be fun and at your pace. And sex? Well in my experience the best sex comes from finding someone you can have a laugh with - some of the worst partners I have ever had were the experienced ones so intent on showing off their prowess they were rather mechanical and missed the point. I know a lot of my male friends feel that way.
Please dont feel a failure - and dont let him make you feel like this is being done to you and that you are powerless. Take control of the situation and squeeze every positive you can out of it - and if you are worried about him, bear in mind there is nothing more aggravating than an ex whose life seems more on track than yours. My advice - smile and be enigmatic every time you communicate, even if it kills you.
Best wishes
A couple friends of mine at work are going to just each pick a class for us all to take, and we are doing it without question. I can't cook my way out of a paperbag, but if one of them picks "international cuisine" or something, I will be signing up and having fun. Point is, now is the time for you.
I have a child, also. I am not a SAHM, but I give you a lot of credit for that, and unfortunately, your STBX doesn't seem to realize how important your job has been. Doesn't matter now. You are your own person. Let him carry on and get himself into one hot mess after another...he is not your problem anymore, and thank your lucky stars for that.