First let me say I am not suicidal but I can'seem to find a reason to live. Last October maybe I met him on fb. He is a cousin on my mothers side of the family which I am totally estranged from. We started chatting which led to emails which led to texting which led to him calling me. He lives outwest and I live in the midwest. There are 1700 miles between us. He would talk to me, tell me things he felt, thought, wanted. Before long we were talking every day and I was feeling very involved with him. I wanted to meet him so I flew out there. We had a great time and I felt myself falling in love with him. I came back home and we continued to talk every day, text everyday and he was always sending me these little posts about love and letting go of things that no longer fit in our lives. I made a second trip out to see him and it was awesome. I didn't really care about being related because we weren't really like family in any way. He is the kind of man that took my puzzle pieces apart and put them back together again, made me feel as though anything were possible and I was sure I loved him. As though he were my soul mate. We just clicked and connected in such a way that was so special.
I started thinking about moving out there which is what he wanted but my kids are here as well as my grandkids. Anyway, I had planned on a third trip out to see him but was feeling like perhaps I should think about it, I wasn't sure how I could introduce him to my family since he was my cousin. I told him I thought I needed to go in a different direction because of it.
This was in june. He has not contacted me since. Nothing. I have tried to apaoloize, help him to see how I feel about him, I text him every day begging him to forgive me, I have cried every day since june. I can't seem to move on from him even though he gives me nothing. I feel broken, hollow, empty, lost, hurt, guilty and remorseful all rolled in to one. I have days when it's all I can do to get out of bed and go to work only to cry all day at work. I can not move forward and feel as though I'm dieing inside. There is no reason to live without him in my life. I can't understand why he can't talk to me at all. Was it all a lie? I felt as though we were so close. I know I let him down but to not answer any text, block me from fb and pretend you don't know me? I just don't understand it and it just kills me to go without him in my life. So here I sit. His total reluctance to communicate baffles me. I try to figure it out from all of these different angles and I am so lost in the confusion. How could I not see that he would be this way?
The really ahrd part is I thought he felt the same about me. How do you just cut someone out that you say you loved?