Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Two years ago my then husband let me know that he had been carrying on an 8 year affair with his cousin\'s wife. I had no clue. I doubt I would have ever known if she wouldn\'t have had an affair with another man and got pregnant. (My ex and his cousin both had vasectomy\'s). After I told my ex that I wanted a divorce he beat the *beep* out of me and threw me and my two children out of the house. My divorce was finalized one year ago in April. At the time I was a stay at home mom and dealt with years of belittling. I know that I had to get a divorce to have a peace of mind. I am college educated and knew I could find a job, which I did. I guess I am having problems coping. The cousin kept his wife and is raising someone else\'s child as his own. He buys her things, takes her on trips and makes her feel special. I was a dedicated wife and mother, did everything for my family and was treated like crap. I am having problems getting past the reality of being by myself even though it was what I had to do. I feel like I did everything right and was crapped on. I was sexually active with my ex so we were not lacking in that department. He said it was a "mistake" and "lust"!!! Not for 8 years. I need advice on how to overcome this pain. We were married 20 years and all I ever wanted was a family..including a mother and father that would raise our kids together. I continue to have an upset stomach and just hate this feeling! Thanks for listening!
I sorry to hear that you got crapped on like you did. Something that I\'m learning is that time is just about the only healer. Start right now re-building your life and re-discovering yourself.
but you can get through it. Counseling, friends, and alot of faith. Just remember that you are important and deserve to be happy. Anyone that disrespects that, isn\'t worth having in your life!
I think the first thing I would say to you is turn your mental VCR off. Stop rewinding and re-living the scenes of hurt in your life. Our minds are a powerful tool and no matter how we have arrived at divorce we tend to replay in our minds the hurtful times, situations, circumstances and other negative events. Even if you are happy and then begin to dwell on a sad time you will become sad. Flip the script and dwell on a happy time in your life. If there is not one you can think of without him focus on where you want to be and live in that moment in your mind. In addition don't focus on what is going on in the cousin's relationship. Again this will only be hurtful. Don't compare the cousin displayed he was a "real man" your ex displayed that he was not. Trying to compare life with a "real man" and life with one that isn't is not comparing apples to apples. Don't blame yourself. None of us are perfect and I am certainly not saying don't work on you, however infidelity and abuse are not things that anyone deserves. Don't beat yourself up saying "I should have done this", "Why did I let this happen?" etc. Those are destructive questions and will only lead to self-destruction. Work on you in a positive way. The journal function here is great for that. A lot of times you will look back and read what you wrote and be shocked at what comes out. It will help you get to root causes, not just what is wrong but what is the root cause of it. The last thing I would say is realize you are not alone. There are hundreds if not thousands of us here on DS. Use that to your advantage, reach out to people. You will find that people not only have insight for you but that you can offer insight and encouragement to others and that is double the healing. Welcome to the group.
His actions were a betrayal to you personally, the relationship of your marriage and an assault on your family as a whole. Just as when a drunk driver gets behind the wheel of a vehicle your ex knew that there would be possible consequences to his actions yet he still chose to continue in those actions. That is not love, caring or respect. You are right, you need to hear that, and know that. You are right! 8 years not a 'mistake', not an 'accident' by any stretch of the imagination, and who gives a damn on the 'lust' excuse.
Now, that said you must now stop perpetuating his control over you. You have suffered enough. You have admitted to have been 'crapped', on and physically beat. You mention just the one time when you asked for the divorce, but if I read between the lines that was not the first time. So yes, you were crapped on, physically, mentally and psychologically abused and who know how many other ways he hurt you, but now you are doing it to yourself.
It is OK to hurt, to feel betrayed these are absolutely normal reactions to the extreme, humiliating and horrifying ordeal that your ex has put you through. And it is soooo important for you to acknowledge these feelings because they are valid, they are real, however, it is crucially important for you to accept and hold on to for dear life, (because make no mistake it is YOUR LIFE) that all this had nothing to do with something you did or did not do especially when you take into account that it went on for 8 years. 8 years which at some level you had to have had suspicions of something going on, and I am sure that that caused you problems with his denying every allegation left and right & making you feel like you were a crazy, jealousy, suspicious person so that he had you guessing not only your 'gut instincts' but your sanity as well.
No one here on DS can give you magical formulae to get over this, to make the hurt stop. I myself after having been with my ex 25 years went through it in a bad way. 5 years later I am still recovering but I have come a long way, and with time you will too. Time is a word, theme, concept you will hear again and again. It is sooo clich that you will just want to roll your eyes up, wag your fist in the air from the sheer frustration of it but consider this you are getting over 20 years of hurts, memories...darn near a mini lifetime so try, try to take it stride and try to realize that it will come with time. Let it be a consolation that you are not alone in your pain, that there are many of us like you with similar hurts and betrayals...different yet the same. You 'getting over this' will not, cannot happen overnight. I wish it could. I know that I do not speak for myself alone when I tell you that I wish I could take this pain from you, but it is a part of the healing process. It sucks I know but again consider this please, he beat you, he lied to you, he cheated and betrayed you and your children don't let him continue to have this kind of power and control over you in this 'new' life you are embarking on because he has already 'destroyed' enough, don't let him continue to have the power to destroy you and everything you work so hard for. I do not say this lightly because I do know how hard it is. Use this site to vent on and talk to others it is a great help and someday there will come a day when you will reach out to someone else who is the place you are today and that too will be a part of the healing. Hold on to the good as best as you can and if you believe in God grasp onto God with both your hands and soul. You will get through this. One more thing do not bother looking at what someone else has, it may look good on the surface but you never know the real down-low. The fact that the woman your husband had the affair with is still with your exs cousin means nothing. Mark my word it is just a matter of time. If she did it to him one time she will do it to him again if she hasnt already! My father had a young bride (who he dumped my mother fora goodly Godly woman, loyal and good as could be) who got pregnant by another man because my Dad was also fixed. Guess what the long-term result was? It is only a matter of time and when that happens you will be in a better placecontemplate on that for a second.
I play the pity game for quite a while. I blamed my ex for everything. Yes, he cheated and refused to work on things but I had to take my own personal inventory. Once I was able to find what was wrong with me and where I went wrong I made efforts to fix those things so I was a better person.
Today I still carry anger towards my ex for leaving me with two young kids and a pile of debt. I get angry when I think about our beautiful home we lost to foreclosure.
Three years later I have come out stronger and am getting back to a more financial secure place.
All of this takes time but it does come. Hang in there.