Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Some of you know I found a great guy earlier this year. It will be a year for us in January and I thought I had finally found a fantastic, HEALTHY relationship. And really, everything with him is still great.
But I started a new part time job and one of the managers, 'p' would hang out with me after shift. We'd have a beer and chat. Then one nite it became obvious he was after more. No harassment or anything. He asked about hobbies and asked if we could go somewhere together this winter. I wasn't taking him too seriously and said "that would be fun". I packed up my stuff and left.
As the nites went on, another manager was asking about my beloved, right in front of 'p'. 'p' has started laying off, and kinda got cold to me. No more hangin out and chatting... My hours even got cut. He said it's cus my availablity sucks. But Im no dummy.
I told my boyfriend right away. He's so laid back he said he's not worried at all. great.
But now I find myself becoming more and more excited about a new love interest, and almost hurt that 'p' isn't being as friendly with me.
This is making me think here... and I dont know quite where my brain is headed. I think it has less to do with my boyfriend, or 'p' than anything else. I think it has more to do with my ex!
I almost cheated on my ex twice. And I was obvious about about it. I was wishing, after things went south, that he would return to the jealous protector boyfriend he used to be. But both times he really didn't care enough to even ask questions. Not to mention I was 19 when I met my ex-husband. I don't feel like I had a lot of experience letting guys, just, like me. Ya know? The few times it happened I was with someone so I had to push them away, and in some ways I feel like maybe I missed something.
I went and visited my boyfriend over the weekend, and it was wonderful as it always is. And it reminded me why he is not worth cheating on. But last nite kinda caught me, as we were talking about my day at work and he stated again "im not worried." and I said to him "well, don't be too laid back, I might think you don't care." At the end he told me he loves me and what not, but im very concerned. I think im really afraid of what I might do. I hate infidelity. I just hate it. It's not me. But Im afraid of myself right now. And more afraid at the thought of remarrying and then acting out for real this time... UGH.
But I started a new part time job and one of the managers, 'p' would hang out with me after shift. We'd have a beer and chat. Then one nite it became obvious he was after more. No harassment or anything. He asked about hobbies and asked if we could go somewhere together this winter. I wasn't taking him too seriously and said "that would be fun". I packed up my stuff and left.
As the nites went on, another manager was asking about my beloved, right in front of 'p'. 'p' has started laying off, and kinda got cold to me. No more hangin out and chatting... My hours even got cut. He said it's cus my availablity sucks. But Im no dummy.
I told my boyfriend right away. He's so laid back he said he's not worried at all. great.
But now I find myself becoming more and more excited about a new love interest, and almost hurt that 'p' isn't being as friendly with me.
This is making me think here... and I dont know quite where my brain is headed. I think it has less to do with my boyfriend, or 'p' than anything else. I think it has more to do with my ex!
I almost cheated on my ex twice. And I was obvious about about it. I was wishing, after things went south, that he would return to the jealous protector boyfriend he used to be. But both times he really didn't care enough to even ask questions. Not to mention I was 19 when I met my ex-husband. I don't feel like I had a lot of experience letting guys, just, like me. Ya know? The few times it happened I was with someone so I had to push them away, and in some ways I feel like maybe I missed something.
I went and visited my boyfriend over the weekend, and it was wonderful as it always is. And it reminded me why he is not worth cheating on. But last nite kinda caught me, as we were talking about my day at work and he stated again "im not worried." and I said to him "well, don't be too laid back, I might think you don't care." At the end he told me he loves me and what not, but im very concerned. I think im really afraid of what I might do. I hate infidelity. I just hate it. It's not me. But Im afraid of myself right now. And more afraid at the thought of remarrying and then acting out for real this time... UGH.
Pardon my saying so, but this sounds more like a personal issue that you have with needing a BF or significant other to continually "prove" that they love you by acting in a jealous fashion toward any potential rival male.
Your current BF indeed sounds like he is being "healthy". However, it does sound like you have a personal issue that you need to work on before you are "healthy" too.
Ask yourself why do you have this need for continual "proof" of love?
Maybe you should start looking for a new job? If you have the real thing anything is worth the effort to keep it. He trusts you. That is fantastic.
Seperate, from a work perspective, P has some issues to consider if his job would be in jeopardy should he get ousted for going after a subordinate.
Also, there's an infatuation thing that most have, especially when an attractive person of the opposite sex pays attention to us. Maybe p is using also his manager power to woo you and/or other women at the place of business, or, his being friendly is simply your interpreteation of him being attracted to you also something to consider...
We all desire to be desired in some form if is something we don't have. If you're lacking intimacy from your bf you may want to talk to him about it more, like you half heartedly did when you told him not to get too comfy. There's usually something missing in your relationship or your own perception of how that relationship is going if you have to question whether or not you'er going to act on an attraction to another person.
if you're "really" attracted to p, spare the bf the heartache and ego bruising and let him off the hook first.
whatever you do, if you want to have a fling with 'p' or whoever, please do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him first.
"I hate infidelity. I just hate it. It's not me. But Im afraid of myself right now. And more afraid at the thought of remarrying and then acting out for real this time..."
also I stated this has nothing to do with my boyfriend or 'p'... its residual issues i carried from my marriage
I was just writing this to sort out some feelings and get feedback. not looking to cheat. just to figure out the reasons my heart is leaning in this direction.
I know I am the problem. trust me. thats why I was here. and thanks for reminding me things I need to focus on.
so, please dont think I am out to hurt him. I was doing this to try to attain mental clarity, not to be pointed at for not having it.
I think you're just working through some insecurities and fear of being hurt again. The thought of remarrying or being committed to 1 person after you've been hurt.
Take what your BF says as a compliment. It's not that he doesn't love you, it's that he trusts you. That is far better than any jealousy.
Being insecure makes us want to reach out and find validation through attention. Believe me, I know all about this.
Take some deep breaths...and remember that you have a BF that loves you. Be happy in his love.