Life After Divorce Support Group

This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.

1,650 Members

1,884 Posts

0 Online

lostinthecycle 08/20/2018

So I am just going to throw this out there and see if I get any feedback. Started talking to/seeing a guy beginning of May. Have fun together and we can talk about anything. To my knowledge since him and I started talking there have not been any other women involved with him. So as time has gone on we saw each other regularly but he works out of town and has his girls on a set schedule and I have my kids 24/7 so it has taken some juggling to spend time together. In the beginning of July he asked me to come see him out of town and spend a couple nights with him as he was working but wanted to see me(great right?). Well it did not end fantastically, but we talked about it right away and things seemed to be on the up and up. He had introduced me to some of his friends and these friends basically confirmed I was in fact the only girl in his life. Then all of a sudden during conversation one night he basically said he was not looking for anything serious, exact opposite of what he had been telling me all along and definitely not how hed been acting with me. He has a very messy past with his ex which I know all about and accepted as my past isnt pleasant either. So at that point I decided to kinda pull back and just leave him be. We still talked but I didnt make the attempts. Out of the blue one night though he messaged me after us not seeing each other for a few weeks and said he missed me. I didn't put much stock into it at that point. Then when he was back in town we hung out again and last week he told me the one night that he really likes me and it is unnerving for him. Which should be great but....a girlfriend of mine informed me he is still on a dating site. She attempted to contact him along with one of her other friends and he didnt respond back or anything(I had no part in the contact as I was not even aware they had found him on the site still). So I guess I am just wondering where I go with this....do I casually bring up that my girlfriend saw him on the dating site and give him the opportunity to explain or for us to discuss it, do I just keep my mouth shut as neither of us has actually stated we wanted to be exclusive or do I just say screw it and try to move on? I have not dated since I was a teenager and things are much different now. He is the first guy I have met and actually connected with but I am kinda dating life stupid....help???

11Christmases 08/20/2018

I have been back in the dating world for a couple of years since the divorce, and previously my only experience was in my teens also. So it’s been about 3 months and it sounds like you want to know where this is going. He said he doesn’t want anything serious. What about you? What do you want right now?

I read a dating book called “F* Him! Nice girls always finish single”. I recommend you read this book and then decide what to do.

jojored 08/20/2018

I have no clue, haven't dated since I was in college. My guess is that you just be upfront and ask him where he sees the relationship going. 3 months isn't too soon to be asking this, IMO. Not that you're looking to get married, but your're curious, which is fine. And data coming from him is conflicting. I'd ask.

lostinthecycle 08/20/2018

Thats more so what Im thinking. I know he has some things that hold him back and scare him about being in another relationship and I respect that but when you tell me how much you like me and that you miss me but you're still on a dating site it leads me to wonder if its a platonic kinda liking and missing someone or more than that. No idea how to bring about that conversation though either.

lb7268 08/20/2018

I would say if he’s still on the dating site, he’s still looking. You’re good enough for now, until something better comes along. Just don’t get your expectations set too high. This happened to me.

lostinthecycle 08/21/2018

That is kind of what my view is too lb7268 but I didn't know if I was maybe being too critical as I have been out of the dating scene forever.

carterbrautigan 08/23/2018

Hi, Lost! I might be the worst source in the world for relationship advice, but I got some ideas from your interesting exposition. It sounds like you are anxious for a progression, commitment or resolution in your relationship, and your guy perhaps isn't. While there seem to be no real red flags at this time, there doesn't seem to be a lot of incentive, either. Both of you have been around the block, with children, and all the extra baggage would make anyone cautious.

First of all, remember that it won't be just the two of you in any future relationship. I grew up in a not-well-blended family and have a lot to say about potential pitfalls. Second, remember the admonition that "haste makes waste," or, as my second ex-wife liked to say, "marry in haste, repent at leisure."

I suggest that you organize some mixed group activities/events where you can get at least some of the children and adults together, so you can see how they interact. If you can all have fun together, it would be a good basis for a continued, long-term, more deeply committed relationship. Some men lose their composure around other people's children, and you need to know ASAP that this won't happen to you and yours.

You sound like a person who deserves a great partner. Dating isn't easy, but it's a vital skill. Good luck for the future.

trisha9054 08/24/2018

People join a lot of groups and then just walk away from them. Did your friends say he was active on that dating site or just that he was still a member?

lostinthecycle 08/26/2018

He was still logging on to the site. Not sure if he was active in the sense of responding to people or not.

However, in a strange turn of events we actually ended up getting into a discussion regarding where things are going and decided we're going to be together and are going to introduce our kids slowly in the weeks to come and see how things go. He has 2 girls who go to school with my youngest 2. My son actually went to his youngest's bday party a couple years back(him and I never actually met at that point as a friend of mine dropped my son off). So between the 2 of us there's 6 kids.

Thanks everyone who responded to this. Never in a million years did I see myself dating in my 30s. I feel so inexperienced lol

Snipsnipe 09/03/2018

Go slow with the kids,
Too slow will not be a mistake in the long run
Too fast will

Join the Conversation