Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Today I'm struggling just getting through the day. PMS is at work so there's hormones at play here too. My wonderful boyfriend of over a year has asked me to move in with him. However, there are so many things to consider I'm having a really hard time deciding. Details:
-We live 15-20 min from each other.
-I have a 45-60min commute.
-Moving in with him makes it almost 90 min commute to drop off son at childcare and then go.
-Son turns 5 next year so it would be a temporary move because the school district my boyfriend lives in is terrible.
-Ex probably wont object to the move south because it is closer to him, but when I try to move back north to my desired neighborhood he will try to prevent it.
Have you had experience with this?
-We live 15-20 min from each other.
-I have a 45-60min commute.
-Moving in with him makes it almost 90 min commute to drop off son at childcare and then go.
-Son turns 5 next year so it would be a temporary move because the school district my boyfriend lives in is terrible.
-Ex probably wont object to the move south because it is closer to him, but when I try to move back north to my desired neighborhood he will try to prevent it.
Have you had experience with this?
If it were me, especially because I have a minor child, I would wait. I wouldn't move in with anyone unless and until both of us did individual counseling for at least a year. And then at least 6 months of pre-move-in counseling. Wonderfulness can flip in a heartbeat when we start living together.
If its true love it will wait. If its not, then you have spared your 5 yr old the trauma of 1. moving and 2. getting even more attached to someone and having them leave.
In the scheme of things, a year together isn't all that long.
Is this someone you want to wake up next to 50 years from now?
Have you both done any kind of inner work (including therapy) to heal the past? (Not just past marriages and/or relationships, but just as importantly, past family of origin issues.)
Do you really know how he handles money?
What are his beliefs about child rearing? Will he respect that he doesn't get a say in how you raise your child?
What was his childhood like?
How does he treat his family? How does he treat others (like servers at a restaurant)?
How does he handle anger?
Are you both the same religion?
Why does he want you to move in with him instead of marry him?
The divorce rate for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. marriages is extremely high. My personal theory is that's because most don't do the healing work after a relationship has ended and just as many don't do any family of origin work. And we don't always take the time to answer the above questions (and others) before we jump into something as serious as moving in together, especially when there is a child involved.
We we live with someone we bring all the junk in the trunk we have from all previous relationships. And that, IMHO, is the kindling for the dysfunction that is more than likely at the root of many failed relationships.
The other person to consider here (above yourself) is your child. Children don't adapt as well as we think they do to divorce. And they know and sense way more that we give them credit for. They want to please their parents, so they don't always let on how they feel. This goes for the youngest of kids.
Please take your time for your son's sake. IMHO, just the reasons you've given would be enough for me to not move in.
You have voiced doubts and your son takes priority at such a young age.
I decided back when I started dating again that no one was moving in unless it was really serious. like "we plan to get married soon" kind of serious.
Moving with kids adds a level of complexity that requires you to think things through a bit more. You are already concerned about the schools, commute, etc. Does he have kids too? Own or rent? how far do you have to drive when the school calls and says your child is sick. Many things to consider. Also keep in mind, this may affect your child, school, and your commute for 12+ years. Yikes!
I was dating a woman 2 years ago who had two children, about the same age as my son. while we were never that serious, I did consider what moving in would entail. While she was just 15 minutes away, but she was in a different school district, and a different county as well. Both of us used our home addresses for the children's school registration. My ex would have opposed moving schools. If I moved, I would have had to drive him all the time. Both of us owned a house, but neither house would be big enough for the combined family. *and* the kids are all in high school, so if we did get serious, we would end up moving/getting a house and then in just a couple of years, all the kids would be off to college. So it seemed to me that the likely practical outcome would be that we'd end up "just dating" for 5 years before making that leap.
Anyway, we never got that serious and broke up amicably for other reasons. I can't imagine how much work it would have been to un-do all that if we had moved in together and then broken up.
Point is that with kids involved, Don't be in a hurry. Everything takes longer and has greater consequence; you just need to expect this. If the boyfriend can't wait, he isn't worth it.