Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I have been separated for almost 3 years, and divorced for just over a year. It was my choice to pursue the divorce, and it was based simply on the fact that he and I were no longer compatible. There was nothing to blame it on in terms of abuse, infidelity or anything like that. We worked on our marriage honestly, but it just wasn't meant to be.
I've been dating someone for a year and a half now. I hadn't intended on finding someone so quickly, it just happened. We met online, and found solace with each other, since he was already divorced, and I was going through mine, and we were able to be there for each other.
The thing I find most frustrating are my friends. It's like no one trusts your judgement after you've failed in a marriage once already. You get the comments like "any new boyfriend has to pass the test with me first", or "I just want to protect you, and make sure that you don't get hurt again", or "are you sure you're making the right decisions"; or they scrutinize my current boyfriend. Of course my friends are well meaning, but they lack true and honest support. When they make comments like this, it's like they don't trust my judgement anymore because I've failed at it once already. It doesn't seem the same judgement occurs for those who are just breaking up a relationship, or even a common law break up. It seems to be so much worse when it's a marriage that ends.
Does anyone else experience this? I often find that I don't even want to share my relationship with anyone because no one seems to understand. They've never walked in my shoes, never experienced the change in values, never understood the pain of what I've gone through. And yet they seem experts at determining if I'm making the right choices in my current relationship.
I try to take what they say with a grain of salt...but truthfully, I just don't even want to hear it anymore. They aren't supporting me, they're judging everything, and they don't seem to realize that. I mean, fine, ok, make your comments and concerns, but then you've got to turn it around into support. Don't keep saying it and saying it and saying it. All it proves is that you don't trust my judgement anymore. And it frustrates me!
I've been dating someone for a year and a half now. I hadn't intended on finding someone so quickly, it just happened. We met online, and found solace with each other, since he was already divorced, and I was going through mine, and we were able to be there for each other.
The thing I find most frustrating are my friends. It's like no one trusts your judgement after you've failed in a marriage once already. You get the comments like "any new boyfriend has to pass the test with me first", or "I just want to protect you, and make sure that you don't get hurt again", or "are you sure you're making the right decisions"; or they scrutinize my current boyfriend. Of course my friends are well meaning, but they lack true and honest support. When they make comments like this, it's like they don't trust my judgement anymore because I've failed at it once already. It doesn't seem the same judgement occurs for those who are just breaking up a relationship, or even a common law break up. It seems to be so much worse when it's a marriage that ends.
Does anyone else experience this? I often find that I don't even want to share my relationship with anyone because no one seems to understand. They've never walked in my shoes, never experienced the change in values, never understood the pain of what I've gone through. And yet they seem experts at determining if I'm making the right choices in my current relationship.
I try to take what they say with a grain of salt...but truthfully, I just don't even want to hear it anymore. They aren't supporting me, they're judging everything, and they don't seem to realize that. I mean, fine, ok, make your comments and concerns, but then you've got to turn it around into support. Don't keep saying it and saying it and saying it. All it proves is that you don't trust my judgement anymore. And it frustrates me!
You're right about what you said, and it is how I am handling it for the most part. I'm a rather non-confrontational person, so I tend not to confront them on their thoughts, and how I in turn feel about what they've said. Truthfully, it just makes me recede from the conversations with them entirely.
What is so frustrating is that, not only am I going through some health issues that is causing a certain level of depression...one particular friend seems to be trying to tie the depression to an underlying issue with my boyfriend. It is something that he and I are trying to work out, but is the thorn of every conversation I have with my friend.
What really angers me is that every conversation with her, there is a minor comment about "something" that on the surface doesn't appear to be about anything more than what that "something" actually is, but I KNOW is trying to spear at this one underlying issue with my boyfriend. There is a veil being cast over the conversation that looks like one thing, but I know she is trying to pinpoint another.
The other thing that angers me is that I have a "group" of friends at work that all seem to have the same opinion, and yet they all come to me separately saying somewhat the same things. In other words, I know that they are talking about it together, and yet talking to me separately.
I think you're right though...I need to start talking about it when they approach me on these things, and laying out very clearly what the truth to me is, and pushing back on their thoughts and opinions.
What I've learned in the past year though, and it's something a friend of mine told me a long time ago when he spoke of his divorce 15 years ago....he said that through a divorce you will learn who your true friends are. When he told me that, I thought more along the lines of division of friends who sided with him or his ex. But I'm learning that it's more the division of friends that you can trust and share your values, and who unconditionally support you....and then the friends who just don't. I get what he means now!
I think I've rambled enough! :)
Those who have never been through a divorce could never understand that.
Thanks for your support!