Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I was married 28 yrs and divorced my husband but wished we could have worked it out. My reasons for the divorce is bc he would purchase big items like property, cars, loan others money without discussing things with me. He is an only child and received a nice inheritage. We never did without and seemed to always have the best of items. I blame his college buddy for talking my ex into being partners of many pieces of property. We lost a lot of money 2008 and I never thought we'd survive. Went to counceling one time together and he walked out and said it wasn't for him. I now wonder if he didn't want to face up to the many money mistakes he made. After our 2 kids moved out of our 3500 sqft home all I wanted to do was down size and travel. He found property in 2007 and built a 5500 sqft home. It's sad but I was so depressed knowing it's going to cause really bad money problems in which it did. The market crashed in 2008 and mortgage, utility bills, taxes on properties weren't being made. It was so frustrating finding out all these outstanding bills by opening the mail. Most of the properties were sold at a loss or taken by the bank. Not knowing where we'd be within months it scared me. He just never wanted to discuss any of these things with me. If my sister didn't offer for me to move in with her I would probably still be with him. Now I wish I would have stayed. He has had a gf for the past 4yrs and is living with her and seems very happy. I have my own place but alone and sad. This may sound silly but hearing music that was popular when married I get really down. We both are in love with music. He really is a good guy just didn't know how to communicate. We had some great times. My 2 daugh 31 & 27 like his gf which is fine but I want it back the way it was before we divorced. It will be 5yrs next month that I've been divorced. Has anyone had a similar situation where you feel you regret getting divorced? What will it take to feel better and forget about the past?
You said he seems happy, but as you well know, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. And 4 yrs is a long time to be together and not get married, so there may be some issues that people on the outside don't realize.
Also, IMHO, what he did money-wise is financial abuse. By not including you in the decision making is emotional abuse.
The ex never ever made a joint decision and lied about some of the more costly decisions he made. Being married, IMHO, is being in a partnership and it seems that was missing in your marriage, as it was in mine.
When we divorce, we lose a lot more than a spouse. We lose all the hopes and dreams and fantasies that we were hanging on to. Other things that might be lost are social standing, friends, pets, material stuff, financial assets, and just the idea of having someone else in the house with us, even if the relationship sucked. Someone said divorce is like a death only worse because the other person is still around to remind us of what we lost.
I don't think we can forget about the past, but we can stop eulogizing it. For over five years I questioned my decision to leave, telling myself it wasn't so bad. He was such a nice guy. But there was a huge price tag on his niceness. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of grieving to get past the wishing and hoping and regretting.
I think it would help to find a good therapist who can help you work thru your feelings of loss and regret.
Other than therapy, daily gratitude has had the biggest impact on my life and has changed how I see things. Anthony DeMello, in his last book, The Way to Love, says that we are unhappy because we rarely stay in the now. Instead we focus on what we don't have instead of what we do have. And if we stop & think about it, in this very moment, we have everything we need (not necessarily want, lol).
The next most healing modality for me is just being in nature.
You might also want to look into two groups that offer local divorce recovery workshops. www.rebuilding.org and www.divorcecare.com
Both are for about 12 weeks and the cost is minimal. Many locations offer scholarships for those in need. Rebuilding is based on Bruce Fisher's book Rebuilding. It offers guest speakers (mostly therapists & clergy) and small group discussions. It also offers tools to help in the grief process. Divorcecare is Bible based, but non-denominational. It uses videos and workbooks & there is group discussion.
Other things that helped me are:
*guided imagery (see www.heathyjourneys.com for a free relaxation download. I LOVE her stuff!)
*journaling/free writing (check out morning pages by Julia Cameron online)
*meditation
*breath work (see Jon Kabat Zinn & Andrew Weil are good resources)
*volunteering
*taking classes
*getting together with friends.
Here are a few books that helped me.
The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson
Peace if Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
The Power of Now by Echhart Tolle
A New Earth by Echart Tolle
The Zen of Organizing by Regina Leeds
Just remember that it takes time. The longer you were together, the longer it takes. And even tho it's been 5 years, you might want to consider whatever you decide to do to heal as starting now. It takes baby steps.
And healing isn't a linear process. At best, it's two steps forward and one back. Mostly its more like a step forward, sideways, backward, zig zagging and going in circles. Grief and healing don't follow specific patterns. It's different for each person.
One of the hardest lessons I learned is that time doesn't necessarily heal all. It takes a concerted effort to nurture ourselves and find the best modalities the enable us to heal. So be kind and gentle with yourself and give yourself the gift of time and find something that works for you.
~hugs~