Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Nov 2008 I left my husband for another man, not only for that reason but we had a lot of problems that I feel could of been taking care of but instead of dealing with them I got up and left. Well here it is a year I am still with the man I left him with but within this week I told him my true feelings I still hold for my ex husband. This was some pretty painful things he had to sit and listen to but I can't help it I miss my ex husband and the family I once had. The man I am with now is so understanding, he has been here for me through this whole thing. When my divorce was final in July 09 I cried for a week, I had wished I never followed thru with it. The missing my ex husband has never went away and now I am left with making the biggest disision ever, do I stay with the man I am with now in hopes that our problems will fade away or give my family another chance? My ex husband wants me and our children back again and to be honest I think I'd be more happy with them too. But how will I ever let go of the man I've been with? This wasn't a new relashionship I was with him before my husband and thru out the past 10 years I couldn't let him go... How can I do it now? Will I be able to? How do you let go of someone you love dearly?
First, for the marriage. Most people who are left would forgive in a heartbeat everything their spouse did to them prior to leaving, unless of course there were issues that were'nt resolved by the person. (drug problem, abuse, etc.)
If your ex-husband knows that you left him for the other man as it sounds. I know for me. First, when divorced, I was thinking, "see you LATER", all the while dying inside because I was...
left for another man...
After my anger went away, I missed my ex terribly and I thought, if only, soon enough she'd come to her senses and want to come home.
After that, I learned to become empathetic knowing that she's NEVER going to change unless she gets help for her problems.
I couldn't save her as bad as I tried.
Now, I just pray for her alot and wish that she has the happiness that I wish for everyone. I'm no longer bitter in regards to our marriage. The only thing that bothers me now is she's a neglectful mother. Doesn't mean she doesn't love our children, she's just not a very good mom. So that frustrates me.
Back to you.
Can it work? Yes. Do you want it to? Is up to you, and your ex-husband.
Now, if you really want your marriage to be repaired you must (in my opinion, I'm far from an expert);
Leave the person you left your husband for.
Get counseling to figure out why you couldn't let go of the other person prior to being with your husband.
Figure out why you left your husband in the first place.
Make certain that you learn to be happy on your OWN.
Let your ex-husband know your committed to fixing things by not just hinging leaving the other guy ONLY if your husband takes you back..
Realize that we are one person and our own happiness inside our hearts doesn't come from the love of another. Granted, we NEED and DESERVE love, but it cannot make up our own feelings for ourselves.
I could write more on this but work is calling. Good luck!
If you wanted to leave him, you would have left him. You did not need to leave him for another man.
I am sorry, but for those members here who were left for another, you have a 1% chance of getting sympathy from us.
Life is about choices. You made one. Live with it
Seeing her on the street today, I've no feeling or desire for her as my mate/life partner, etc.
I think however, someone who's willing to work on fixing that trust there can be a regained sense of it. Even if the trusting part is solely to know you're both on the same page of making your family work and prosper...
At the same point in time, not everyone is so forgiving as mentioned in the posts. Does this make someone a horrible people who deserves to be unforgiven? AbsoLUTELY not. There's only One Judge in this world and none of us should be so eager to cast judgement upon another without looking themselves in the mirror to get to the root of their own problems which may have caused whomever they loved to disobey/dishonor their covenant they made when married... In my own situation, the ONLY way my ex was to be let out of the marriage, was by cheating- a 2nd time. I believed in forgiveness, and I forgave. But, fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you. If someone's insecure with themselves or has ill-feelings about themselves internally, it can cause one to cheat in the first place. It isn't an unforgivable act and if a person is truly seeking forgiveness and makes EFFORTS to secure trust again, it can definitely work.
There's 1000's of resources to help you RESTORE your marriage and I bet even if you're touching on one or two of them, you're going to gain the trust back of your ex-spouse.
And, your situation is nothing like others so, listen to your heart and also your mind and decide LONG TERM what is going to work best for you and those you love.
In regards to letting go of the one you've mentioned, if you have already come to terms with being confused and he's one foot out the door, there's not much more you need to do or say. It's kind of like quitting smoking, or drinking. You need to do it, COLD TURKEY. No future thoughts, no further communication whatsoever, etc. that person needs to be forgotten about/let go of in every possible way, period. Or, there's no hope.
And, hang in there. Not everyone is going to see your point of view.
Marriage is a commitment not a convience. You have to understand you are either all in or all out, there is no inbetween. If she was all out as she indicated then she should have respect enough to let the marriage come to a complete end instead of waiting about 2 weeks after I moved out from a 13 year marriage to go be with someone else.
There was no remorse in fact she indicated on several occasions she didn't want to have to feel bad about what she did and how she did it, to me that damamged how I viewed her character. There was no more honor, integrity, sincerity and faith in her anymore.
As far as you missing your ex, WTH you miss him yet you are still with the other man. It would have been more heartfelt if you would have said I have decided to take time away from any realationship to stop messing with my own head and the heart and minds you put the people who are to love you through pain. So instead of hurting one person you now are working on two possible. You need to break the cycle and quit causing pain. You are responsible for your own actions. Good or bad you have to live with the choice you make and others have to as well. Until you fix what going on inside of you, you should stay away from a committed relationship that you do not understand the basic principal of. Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but I have been hurt by the same kind of actions and disregard to commitment as you express in your post.
You say you miss your ex yet you say he did things to you to make you leave your marriage and turn to another man that you have been seeing throughout your marriage. Why would you want to go back? If the marriage was so broken to the point that you had a relationship with another through out what has changed with your ex husband? Then you say you still love the boy friend and can't give him up???
You are confused and do not know what you want please do not put your ex and your children through this only for you to leave and go back to your boyfriend. To give your family hope and bail out on them again in such a short period of time will have lasting and devastating effects on them. Put them first this time and do not try reconciling until you sort things out and know for sure what you want. Cuz at this time you are terribly confused and simply not ready for any type of relationship. I wish you well.
I miss my ex, 10 years together it wasn't all bad. You cannot cross someone out from your life so easily.
It's impossible to tell you what is better for you to do, what you MUST do is to commit yourself to one decision: either come back to your ex husband, or fix relationships with your boyfriend, or start living alone and calm down for 4-6 months.
I would strongly recommend couple's counseling if you decide to work out either of your relationships.
I'm surprised your ex would take you back. If my ex ever comes crawling back it'll be the best "I told you so" moment in my life. Too late. If your ex husband went through even half of the pain I have gone through he's crazy to let you back in. Quite frankly, you still sound pretty mixed up. You both need to move on. Enough pain has been caused and endured already.