Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
It's been a confusing separation/divorce for me. My ex-husband and I had a lot of very good things between us. When I think back on our time together, it is mainly wonderful memories. He always made me laugh like crazy and he often told me that I was his best friend.
It wasn't perfect - I know that. We weren't perfect, either one of us or as a couple. But it was good. This is the conundrum for me, reconciling how we were to how we ended. I kind of think it was a classic mid-life crisis for him and in the midst of it, he "threw out the baby with the bathwater," as they say.
After three years, I am just coming to fully and completely realize (as opposed to intellectually knowing but not 'feeling' it in my heart) that we will never, ever be able to put this back together again. He has moved on and is living with someone else but there was a part of me that kept thinking just maybe......
I wanted to share something that may or may not help other people. I realized recently that I feel like I have more in common with widows/widowers, in that it was "good, good, good, all-of-a-sudden GONE." Like a widow, I enjoy sharing stories of us from happier times. Like a widow, I do not hate or even dislike that man I lived with.
What it feels like to me is that the man that I loved, the man I lived with, is gone. Who is left is like a close relative who looks quite a bit like him, whose voice sounds familiar but who is not MY guy. He knows about the things we shared but the heart....it's not the same. And when I think in this way, it makes it SO much easier to process, to accept. He is gone, The man that I loved, the 'us' that we were - I can honour, appreciate and value that. But that man is no longer accessible, just as though he had died.
Just blethering on and on here.....not sure if this will make any sense to other people, but it feels like relief and acceptance to me.
Best wishes.
It wasn't perfect - I know that. We weren't perfect, either one of us or as a couple. But it was good. This is the conundrum for me, reconciling how we were to how we ended. I kind of think it was a classic mid-life crisis for him and in the midst of it, he "threw out the baby with the bathwater," as they say.
After three years, I am just coming to fully and completely realize (as opposed to intellectually knowing but not 'feeling' it in my heart) that we will never, ever be able to put this back together again. He has moved on and is living with someone else but there was a part of me that kept thinking just maybe......
I wanted to share something that may or may not help other people. I realized recently that I feel like I have more in common with widows/widowers, in that it was "good, good, good, all-of-a-sudden GONE." Like a widow, I enjoy sharing stories of us from happier times. Like a widow, I do not hate or even dislike that man I lived with.
What it feels like to me is that the man that I loved, the man I lived with, is gone. Who is left is like a close relative who looks quite a bit like him, whose voice sounds familiar but who is not MY guy. He knows about the things we shared but the heart....it's not the same. And when I think in this way, it makes it SO much easier to process, to accept. He is gone, The man that I loved, the 'us' that we were - I can honour, appreciate and value that. But that man is no longer accessible, just as though he had died.
Just blethering on and on here.....not sure if this will make any sense to other people, but it feels like relief and acceptance to me.
Best wishes.
I keep wanting to call my old friend but he never answers - only this mean and hateful drunk.
It also coincides with my sobriety date, just over a 1 year now. I work the program, we were only married for 1 year, I suppose I am to blame. Still, she married me for a reason, and now it is all gone, we have not spoken since my sobriety date, I would have hoped she would stick around to support me and see the best of me.
You make perfect sense, I liken this to a death. Except there are no good memories that I care to look back on, they are just too devastatingly painful, and I only end up asking the question "why" and trying to reconcile what happened, where is my best friend.
She has moved on, I can't say that her judgement has been very sound since, but, I won't get into that here. Every bridge has been burned, and so, there is no coming back from this, as much as I wanted to hold out hope. Someday, I will be at peace with this.
I was told in the program, pray for that person as you would pray for yourself, their health, their family, well being, so that the pain subsides and does not turn to resentment. First I will pray for the strength to pray for her.
Still, I will always wonder...what would have been, but, I will never know, as this is truly a death, not even a friendship remains. I too struggle with the sense that those 6 wonderful years were a waste, as I now wish to forget them.
I am healthy now, we always talked about her fear that something bad would happen to me. I am not perfect, but, we did have a great relationship, at least so she said, maybe I was duped. I still own the responsibility, which is why I took the steps to recover.
I wish you the best, and will follow this, as I know I'm not the only one who has experienced this type of loss, and who wants desperately to heal, and be happy again.
Happy sad glad mad; I thought it was you standing by me
Upset confused troubled sick; I thought it was you holding my hand
Child birth joy building a dream; I thought it was you beside me through it all
Tough times differences drifting; I thought it was you that was supposed to be there
Struggling to make it right looking for answers: I thought it was you that was supposed to be right there with me, searching
Lies cheating blaming; I thought it was you, .but you dont look familiar?
Tried again forgiveness promises hard work; I thought you were supposed to be there too?
Again lies, cheating, blame shifting; I thought I knew you
Endings, grief, sadness, loss; I thought it was you, ..but who are you?
Farewell, new beginnings; I thought I knew you, but that you is gone.
Good Bye
The girl I married is somewhere beneath 35 years of life struggles and hard work.
She took her choice and goodbye - After so much pain, I am thankful my conscience is clear and I have someone who loves and treats me so much better than the selfish ex
He moved on before he actually told me, claims I should have known there was plenty of red flags. I was just too busy working, trying to be a mom/maid and didn't see I wasn't meeting his needs. But don't feel that could have saved it either. I tried very hard and did what he said was missing and that made him mad. Then he would add to he list...
I truly think he feels he is being a great man taking care of his friends and being the bigger person and even told me that he "can't be my happiness".
My children have become my focus, which is hard on them. I'm trying to provide to them hat hesid he was missing. His reasons have left me feeling I must be b mom too.