Last christmas I gave the kids each a cash limit and let them pick out a gift for their Dad, we wrapped the gifts and sent them on their way. The plan was to have their Dad skype with them when he opened the presents, so they could see.. of course that didn't happen. He just called and thanked them. I'd handle the b'day the same way, give your son cash, let him pick a gift. that way its entirely from him, and you can stay emotionally unattached.

I think going to the dinner isn't a great idea.. it would be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone, you're 2 separate families now.. so make it individual celebrations. I think honestly its up to you.. but how you handle celebrations from this point is also setting a new standard of expectations too.. so put some thought into it, if things progress with GF, would she be invited (or comfortable) going to your ex's for christmas dinner?

as for a gift for your GF.. lol I have no idea, but let us know what you finally decide to do :)

Thanks MNN. If I'm not prying, how much did you let them each spend? I was thinking something small, like $25?

You are right about the dinner. When I was there, she always invited her Ex and his wife to dinner, and they always stopped over to see the girls (his daughters). It was okay. But...that's them, not me. I'm inclined to pass. While it might be awkward, but I'd get through it this year, I hadn't thought about it as precedence setting. If things continue to go well with my GF, I'd be spending it with her in the future, so I really have to think about it. I'm sure she (gf) would be fine if we made a brief appearance to deliver his presents, but he's also old enough now to wait a day, so why make my gf, and me, uncomfortable at all... Yup. I think I just made my decision. Thank you!

I see you think you've made your decision. I hope its not too late to add my two cents...

IMHO, 12 is old enough to be earning some money, whether its mowing lawns, walking dogs (for other people) or doing extra chores around the house (you pay him). It will teach him the value of a dollar and give him a sense of freedom. If this is the first time he will be earning his own money, then it would be appropriate for you to help supplement a little. I think $25 is a reasonable amount for a 12 year old to spend on mom's xmas gift.

If you go to her house for dinner, then yes, you can bring a 'hostess' gift. A plant would be festive but not as personal as wine, flowers or candy, etc. OR, you can ask her what you can bring for the meal, like dessert.

As far as being w/your son on Christmas, this is about himd. Not to be rude or disrespect your feelings here, but what do you want your son to remember? Yes, 12 is old enough to wait a day, but 12 isn't old enough to be recovered from no longer being a whole family. I don't know how often you see him, but it would probably mean a lot to him to have you there to open presents.

My kids were adults when we split, but it was still hard on them. I was hard on me when my parents split and I was married & 3000 miles away, so age isn't the issue to be considering here.

As far as a gift for your gf...I tend to be a bit old fashioned. So, if it were me, as much as I might like jewelry, receiving it this soon into the relationship could send a message that things are turning serious. You have plenty of time to see if she is 'the one.' Once you're sure and you're sure she's sure you're 'the one,' then you can buy jewelry. Of course, this is JMHO. :-)

Just as an aside, if you start out w/jewelry, you might end up always trying to 'top' your last gift. So you might want to start off a little slow. What I have learned is its the thought more than the actual gift that truly counts.

As far as spending time w/your son, for every opportunity you skip, you will never get another one like it and it will be that much less time you will have to grow your relationship with him.

Thanks MTC. You've given me more perspective to consider.

Last year was my "First" Christmas being divorced. I did go to spend the day, not just dinner, with my son. My Ex took phone calls from her new guy and from his mother, spoke loudly, and joked with his mother about some comment he made "I'm looking for the smaller ones, but they are harder to find. [unheard response] Laughter - yes he's remarked on the big ones. He's sooo bad..." Later, when my Ex's family arrived, all she did was gush about him. So, in a way, it was a day with her OM who she told me she was in love with when she asked me for the divorce. Needless to say, it was a very emotionally draining day for me.

On the other hand, you are right that he is my son and it is about him. I'm an adult and should be able to endure discomfort for my son's sake. Still, after opening presents, he disappeared to play with his cousins, leaving me to "visit" with my ex-family. My relatives are not invited, so it is all my Ex's extended family.

So, would having my son the day before or after, for quality time, without being emotionally challenged during that time, be the better option all the way around? I know I won't be invited for the whole day, to see him open his stocking in the morning, so it would just be dinner. I could go and then leave immediately after he opens his gifts. I just don't know, and I do know we need to establish our own new traditions and long-term traditions. For example, I have my son over to decorate a Christmas tree at the apartment, even though the last thing I felt like last year was getting a tree.

This year, I'm finally past most of the pain and my recovery has come a long way, though I know I'm not 100% whole. I did get comfortable being on my own in my apartment, and had settled into a strictly co-parenting relationship. Once I was "settled," I invited a woman I knew to a concert in July, and then things just sort of clicked. We've seen a lot of each other since then, and it has been enlightening and positive for both of us. So, I'm cautiously optimistic on the new relationship. We've recently agreed to take it to the next step, including meeting each-other's children soon, but are being cautious about how that could be best be facilitated in the most comfortable way for the kids. We've begun talking about a possible future together.

My son does do chores. Some are just "his responsibility as a family member." Others are "extra" and he earns money for them. I like the idea of supplementing some of his own earnings for her gift. That will make him take it more seriously.

Lots to think about. Thank you for the thoughtful response!

I agree with $25, and I like the idea of having him earn it so it means more to him :) on that note.. I'd have him be sure to write a card or something expressing that he DID earn it, so his mom has a heads up not to just discard the gift.. but also be proud of her son (hopefully she'll do that anyway.. but a card would be a good 'nudge')

I agree with MTC's thoughts.. but stand strong with my own too.. every family is different, I guess its really up to each individual how to handle 'family' get together's. Like you said LNF, its your ex's family get together, not your own extended family.. so your son having christmas with his moms side, then christmas on a different day with your side.. isn't such a bad idea, he knows he's loved by both of you - and for 12 he also gets TWO christmas's! lol thats huge! :)

my son tells me all the time, he just wants me to be happy.. (he's 14) and as much as I'd do about anything for my children, spending Christmas with my ex is not a doable option for me. I think part of healing from Divorce is finding our new traditions, our new patterns -separately.

I agree Christmas is about the kids, but its also about family, and traditions, I think its a great time to start fresh :)

It's good that you're creating your own new family holiday traditions. I understand that it's miserable spending the entire holiday w/the ex, especially when the ex behaves the way yours did. I like your thoughts about just going for dinner and gift opening.

Have you asked your son what he would like? The thing here is that the 'shift' to whatever you ultimately decide might be gradual and he's definitely old enough to have a voice in what that shift and the new traditions look like.

If you decide to go for dinner and gift opening, you could talk to your son ahead of time so he knows what to expect. And of course, make sure that before he goes off to play w/his cousins, you get to say your good byes. :-)

Also, if you do decide to go, I have a suggestion. While I know how much it sucks to be around the ex, I have found that the anticipation is many times worse than the actual time, especially after you get that first time out of the way. There are things you can do to 'soften' the time you're around her. I've found that the more I tell myself the story that the ex is a jerk and makes everyone miserable, the more I notice it.

Instead, if I create an 'intention' that I won't have to interact w/him all that much because there will be lots of people around, the less I actually interacted w/him. It's still stressful, but its not as stressful as my thinking about it and dreading it before it even happens. You can also have an 'escape' plan so if you find yourself being annoyed w/her, you could go play a game w/the kids or ask them to show your their favorite toys, etc.

I agree w/MNN about also arranging to spend the day before or after w/him. You could even do your own stocking thing on that day. So I guess I'm voting for both spending time at the ex's and having a day of your own w/him. :-)

I think its really important that divorced parents each create a sense of stability & tradition for the kids. I love that you had your son over to help you decorate the tree at your apt. That's a great tradition and something he will remember. :-)

I also love MNN's suggestion about having your son write a note or card to his mom so that she knows he earned the money. Also, most moms, no matter happy crappy of a wife, love to get art work or hand made stuff from their kids, so he might want to make her card.

You are a good dad. Even when you're not sure what to do, you're asking and exploring options. I wish the ex was like that. So kudos to you LNF! And I'm looking forward to reading all about your new Christmas traditions w/your son!

my kids were 12 & 14, I give the 25 each, they are 16 and 18 now, i'll give some $ if they are stuck, they both work and unless stuck don't take the $

for your GF, go tasteful and small, if she is nice you have other days to be thoughtful