Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I came to this site for assistance with and camaraderie for dealing with my divorce. It has been four years now, but it was brought to my attention by a dear friend that I haven't gotten over my ex. I honestly thought I did because I don't love him anymore and I don't long to be with him again. But, I did exhibit some behaviors that proved otherwise. For example, I tell my kids a lot of stories about us when we were younger. I would also contact him almost daily about our kids through email or text. I would also have to deal with him pretty much every day when I had to pick up my kids from his house after work. After she told me that, I could see how these behaviors didn't allow me the opportunity to let go.
The issue I'm stuck on is that she told me that I have to forgive him to truly get over him. What? Excuse me. Now, I can own up to the problems I caused in the marriage. Although we were both heavy drinkers, I was always the one sloppy drunk who would embarrass myself and him. There were times I didn't take good care of myself and, although he used my weight gain as an issue for leaving me, I should have made more of an effort. I know the intimacy issue was a problem, but that came after he cheated on me and I gained my weight. I also know that my bipolar disorder was hard for him to handle because it's hard for me to handle, too. With that being said, I feel he handled leaving the marriage very poorly. He was already seeing someone who worked for him by the time the marriage ended. He told me he wanted to try but didn't, even going to two counseling sessions and blaming me for them not working. The way he ended the marriage was lousy, too. So, I have to forgive this? Not sure how and where to start.
The issue I'm stuck on is that she told me that I have to forgive him to truly get over him. What? Excuse me. Now, I can own up to the problems I caused in the marriage. Although we were both heavy drinkers, I was always the one sloppy drunk who would embarrass myself and him. There were times I didn't take good care of myself and, although he used my weight gain as an issue for leaving me, I should have made more of an effort. I know the intimacy issue was a problem, but that came after he cheated on me and I gained my weight. I also know that my bipolar disorder was hard for him to handle because it's hard for me to handle, too. With that being said, I feel he handled leaving the marriage very poorly. He was already seeing someone who worked for him by the time the marriage ended. He told me he wanted to try but didn't, even going to two counseling sessions and blaming me for them not working. The way he ended the marriage was lousy, too. So, I have to forgive this? Not sure how and where to start.
God calls us to go in peace and this is also with divorce. If you read Corinthians He says if a non believer leaves you in your marriage, let him go but go in peace. That is what I take forgiveness to be. It's not saying what they did was okay but you will rise above it.
Forgiveness is really for you and that doesn't mean you have to forget what he's done and that's where acceptance works for me. I accept that the ex did the things that destroyed our marriage. I accept that he never loved me but I don't need to forget.He didn't get a clean slate from me. Acceptance can lead to forgiveness.
@Giselle-A passage from Corinthians was read at my wedding! lol
If you want to successfully live your life for the future, you've got to be able to get through your past. Right now, you've done the motions to let your past go, but now it's time to do the mental work.
Forgiveness is one step to get out of the old relationship, for good. Acceptance of your new life is another step to moving forward and Gratitude is the last step to get you closer to your true feelings. Doing all of this will open you up to find the love you always wanted... from yourself and others.
I'm sharing this with you, because I lived it. The man I married decided to use his family as a con (even stole money from the kids), but I had to forgive the situation in order for them to get a normal shot at life. I accepted a new life, without him(Thank God) and I'm grateful everyday they are safe and happy.
You've been strong enough to make it this far, so I know your strong enough to do the mental work it takes to get control over your life.
Just believe in yourself and your ability to know that everything starts with...ONE STEP! :-)
Peace & Love to you always.
Submitted by Armen Hareyan on Feb 8th, 2005
Is a grudge-laden heart sabotaging your success in business and in life? Much has been written over the ages about the value of forgiveness. And yet so many people continue to resist the idea of forgiving their transgressors. Why is this? I believe there are a couple of factors at play.
First, although people might want to forgive, they don't want the culprit to "get off scot-free." Let's examine this more closely. There are many misconceptions about forgiveness, so I would like to point out what forgiveness does not do (We shall refer to the transgressor as X).
- Forgiveness does not condone the actions of your perpetrator X.
By forgiving X, you are not saying that what X did was okay. You're just willing to quit stewing about it.
Chances are, it wasn't okay, but there's not much you can do to change history. It happened, it's over, get
over it. Don't let it ruin your peace of mind a moment longer.
- Forgiveness does not diminish the severity of the transgression.
By forgiving X, you are not saying that the harm he caused you was of no consequence. Indeed, you may still be dealing with the negative results of his actions. But by being willing to forgive X, you are allowing yourself to quit wasting precious energy on anger and put it to good use building yourself up instead. You survived the transgression. Now it's time for you to thrive.
- Forgiveness does Not absolve X of his guilt.
Even if you were willing to, you could not clear X's conscience for him. He will have to appeal to a higher celestial court for absolution. That is between X and his conscience; it is not your affair.
So you see, forgiveness does not let the other guy off the hook. It lets YOU off the hook. By refusing to forgive the other person, you are condemning yourself to being stuck. And this "being stuck" tends to infiltrate and poison every area of one's life. It's a bit like trying to drive your car with the brakes on.
Consider forgiveness as a gift you give to yourself.
Now let's look at another nearly opposite reaction. Some people are quick to claim blanket forgiveness for everyone and everything, without even knowing what it is they are pardoning. This is a fine gesture, but it is hardly effective because you cannot forgive a transgression which has never been acknowledged. You can't just leapfrog over all the buried pain and expect relief. You must first acknowledge the harm that was done.
The acknowledgement consists of:
- Admitting the harmful nature of what was done to you.
- Feeling the pain that you've struggled unconsciously for years to keep down.
- Expressing the anger that accompanies these realizations (by writing, exercising, beating a pillow, wailing, thrashing about, etc.).
- Mourning your loss. (Sadness, unlike depression, is a healing force and it will pass).
- Forgiving your transgressor.
- Experiencing a new vitality as you reclaim formerly disowned parts of your being.
IMPORTANT: You don't need to confront anyone or involve anyone else in this process. This is done in privacy and purely for your own release and relief.
Some people try to dismiss the need for this process by saying such things as, "Well, it doesn't matter now. That was so long ago." Or maybe, "Things were different back in the old country. None of that makes any difference anymore."
When dealing with profound harm sustained in the past, we need to be aware of the inconsequential nature of distance and time. In other words, a serious emotional injury sustained long ago and maybe even far away does NOT just wither away into nothingness if you ignore it.
The damage is very real and it has serious ongoing repercussions if it is not squarely faced and dealt with. People fear that acknowledging great harm done will unleash hateful and violent acts. Quite the contrary. It is these "unconscious grudges" that we carry in our hearts that result in cruelty. Often this escapes our conscious awareness.
It is also these unacknowledged wounds, waiting like frightened children at the "Lost and Found" that result in depression. It takes tremendous psychic energy to keep stuffing those strong, raw emotions down and keep them in check, especially when we're not even aware of exactly what it is we are hiding from.
I would like to stress once again, suppressed pain and stifled anger will not go away just because you ignore them. They will dissipate only in the face of acknowledgement.
By following the steps outlined above, you will naturally arrive at a place where you are ready to exercise forgiveness. You will have reached a place where you are sick and tired of wasting mental and psychic energy on nursing painful grudges.
You will no longer wish to tolerate any nasty pangs of resentment. It will become unacceptable to send your thoughts into a mental sewer just so that you can keep your offender in his place.
An act of pardon will evolve naturally as we honor our true feelings. This does not mean that we have to go and broadcast what we find to the world. It simply means that we ourselves have to be willing to look at and see the Truth.
As a parting note, let us strive to remember that forgiveness is not a self-righteous act of virtue or altruism. It is not cause for arrogance or fanfare or a holier-than-thou attitude.
The decision to forgive is supremely practical and self-affirming. Self-affirmation is what people need most. And only we can do this for ourselves.
I hope this helps all of us who are still working toward forgiveness.
Big Hugs...Kathy