Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Who understands what I am feeling right now? From the time he began cheating until today when he signed the quit claim deed, it has been 2 years. The divorce was final on 2/29 and all I am feeling is exhaustion. I am SO tired! I feel like I was running in fumes for the last 2 years- I certainly wasn't getting enough sleep, that's for sure. What I WISH I could do is go lie on a beach for a week, alone w/o the kids. but of course, I HAVE the children, and I have no money to even keep up right now yet alone vacation. There is no elation at being divorced. There is no celbration. Leaving the court with an official divorce packet in hand is SO anti-climatic! Every other major event in one's life, including deatth is handled with much more fanfare and ceremony. I felt like I had just paid a traffic ticket in court, nothing more. It still has a very unreal quality to it- very dream-like. (Ah, perhaps that is due to 2 year's lack of sleep?!) Immediately the mortgage is due, the divorce debt is there to be paid, the children are asking about summer activities which I cannot afford to send them to. I cannot tell myself , at THIS moment, that everything will be better. I usually am a very confident, strong woman and I handled 80% of the families bills for years, so I know I will be better off in the long run w/o my deadbeat x (wow- first time I wrote "x") but I can see that this first year expecially will just be one long walk uphill- a crawl, actually as my income has recently dropped quite a bit. Is it ok to wallow for a week or so? I just don't want to face things right now and am only taking care of what must be attended to. with 3 kids and a business - that is plenty, though, it isn't like I have hours each day to crash. Tell me what I am feeling is typical- is normal...
I agree with what Swagger wrote. You've been through a marathon of trauma, it's perfectly normal to unwind and rest. I used to feel guilty about doing that but it seems resting a little is the body and minds' way of healing.
You don't seem at all to be a lazy person or sound depressed so relax a little :)
I felt like I was in constant fight mode during my divorce, so I had a similar feeling when it was done--like something let the air out of a balloon.
Take time and rest. Just relax. GotMySwagga gave you some excellent advice. Take time for you.
Big hugs!
hang in there. xxoo
Don't let that rule about the number of years daunt you. I have seen that many times and in many places and I believe it says X number of years TO MOVE BEYOND DIVORCE...NOT to get over this immediate feeling of exhaustion! Just like the legal process, the rebuilding of your New Life DOES take time. I, too, went through a spell of feeling like I just needed to lie down and sleep for about 2 weeks -- that was immediately after the divorce was final. My therapist told me I needed to treat myself as if I were recovering from a serious illness and or had a bad accident. Boy, was she right about that! It was more like having survived a train wreck and then getting the worst flu possible! LOL. I DID recover, but it was a month or two before I really started to get my feet under me again.
So PLEASE give yourself some time to rest a bit and mentally re-group. Tell your kids that you cannot and will not discuss any summer plans right now. It's ok to tell them that you are just tired and worn out right now. If you don't take care of yourself FIRST, you won't be able to take care of them.
Hugs and prayers coming your way. You'll get through this -- it just takes some time.
xoxox
I do know how you feel , have been separated for 8 months now, and have no intention of filing for divorce , I will probably be married years from now as neither one of us wants to spend the money
All winter I was running at full speed , taking kids to all of the sports related stuff, now that it is coming to an end I have time on my hands and I find myself getting very sad again
Not as profoundly said as the day he told me it was over, but close enough
I just want to lay down and cry for a week, or I just want to go to bed and not get up for a long long time
I have to get used to him not being here, and entertaining the kids all by myself...
I hate to admit it but I almost look forward to his weekends now because I can stay in bed all day, and I can just do what I want without having the kids
I know its just another step to get through, and heck we've made it this far, I know we will make it to the end of this journey...
I know the future in what ever shape or form it takes will be great, we just have this one huge mountain to climb to get there
You wrote - "I do know how you feel , have been separated for 8 months now, and have no intention of filing for divorce , I will probably be married years from now as neither one of us wants to spend the money."
I don't know how or why ANYONE would choose living in limbo over getting a divorce. All it does is prolong the suffering and keep you stuck. You say that "neither of you wants to spend the money" but how much can it be? What price can you put on your sanity?
I didn't want a divorce, either, especially not in the beginning. But after dragging myself around here for 3 months, my therapist told me that I had a choice -- live a Hellish existence or do something! I retained an attorney the next day -- but it still took well over a year to get a financial settlement and a final divorce.
Today is 5 YEARS past the day of final divorce and I can't tell you how much better I feel! I still had some residual stuff to work through that first year afterward, but things have come together and my life has a new, more upbeat rythym to it these days. Yours will, too. You just have to get up and keep moving!
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
It's been about 4 months since my divorce was final and it was a almost a year of hell to get to the divorce end and a year of emotional abuse before the papers were ever even filed.
Dealing with my life now should be easy compared to all that, but it's not...emotionally and for me ( i got layed off from a company i worked for for 23 years right before his emotional abuse started) looking for work, the aging thing (being in my fifties) is all so very difficult. AT least my son is older but so not motivated which is another stress (he lives with me). Just talking about all this is stressful. I'm not happy with my life being turned up side down, but I have to figure out how to live with it. Some days I am exhausted and allow myself to lay around and do nothing...it is OK!