Life After Divorce Support Group

This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.

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Divorce Almost Final - Depressed

felifel
felifel
So I left my husband of 9 years last July because his actions were causing me a lot of stress and I felt like I was going to lose my mind. My ex would go out several times a week with his buddies drinking and would come home very late after I repeatedly told him this was unacceptable and disrespectful. He also has never been responsible or financially stable. I had always been the main breadwinner in the marriage and he never really made the effort to improve himself to find better jobs. There were also other issues like his temper and lack of help in the home and with our daughter. We even tried counseling last February and that worked for like a month and then he went back to his old ways. After separating I found out that he lied of about a lot of things (including pawning our wedding rings during our marriage) and he even cheated on me. I definitely feel I made the right decision by leaving, but now that the judge is going to sign off on the divorce in a few days I'm feeling so sad. I was so strong in the beginning (and pretty happy) and now I just feel weak and depressed. I don't understand why the sudden change. I remember the bad things but I also remember the good memories. He has apologized for everything he put me through a couple times but I have refused to let him back in my life because I'm scared he will hurt me again. Sometimes I do wonder if I should give him yet another chance since we do have a 6 year old daughter. Will I ever get over this? If I do, will I ever be able to truly love someone again? This has been a lot harder than I thought.
Giselle123
Giselle123
I think it is very natural to mourn the up and coming divorce. I know I did. I was married for 26 years, most of them happy, but he was a cheater and a liar. A person's future actions can always be exposed by their past. Your stbx will not become the husband you need. He showed you who he was, so believe him.

Be good to yourself these next few hard months. Let yourself cry, watch sad movies, and know there will be nights you miss him. Just because you are divorcing him doesn't mean you did not love him. But remember he chose this path. He will not change and if you took him back you would just wasting more of your time on him and it will be even harder on you. Come back to this site often. DS is a wonderful support system.
felifel
felifel
Thanks for the advice, Giselle. It is great to hear from someone who has gone through the divorce process. I will keep staying strong. Although it is a difficult change because of the amount of time we have been together, I know that it is necessary. I need to look forward, not back. I will always remember the good times we had together, but I also know that that I am a good woman and I deserve a partner that I can trust.
Ugginz
Ugginz
The divorce has already taken place, it just awaits the official rubber stamp on paper, which is also your ticket to freedom for a new life.

I agree with Giselle123

I couldn't watch films like It's a Wonderful Life without crying, but tears let it out...

The actual divorce is nothing... it's all the feeling, memories and emotions that hurt and you can remember good times, but you know you aren't really right for each other and you deserve another chance of happiness
KRKing911
KRKing911
Give yourself some time for you. Don't worry about loving again - you'll be able to - but truly take some time for yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage. They say 1 year for every 4 or 5 married, so you'll be on your way in no time.
felifel
felifel
Thanks, Ugginz and KRKing. Although dating did help at first, I have realized that I really do need time for myself right now. It's going to be one year in July since we separated, but I definitely feel I need at least another year. I plan to go and do all the things I've always wanted to do, but never could because he didn't want to - things like horseback riding, visiting the grand canyon, camping, wine tasting trip, hot air balloon ride, skydiving..haha. I am actually even considering moving back to my hometown to be close to my family (I currently like about 100 miles away). It will be a big change, but it will be a new beginning and I will have family and friends close by.
Ugginz
Ugginz
When you're on the way out of self sorrow, you realise how much time & effort you put into things... not just the couple, but the spouses family.

All that of your life you gave, goes into the bin except for your children.

Something I havn't seen online, is how we all change physically and more important, mentally over such a long time. We aren't the same as when we were teenagers and hopefully have gained the wisdom to not repeat mistakes in our new lease of life.
felifel
felifel
Ugginz....Yes, I am feeling like that now. I put so much effort and time into this relationship as well as with his family. His family still loves me, but things have changed of course. I definitely miss those family gatherings and outings we used to have.
jackofalltrade
jackofalltrade
These are all very normal feelings to have, with the final date coming up your sure to have all the second guessing creep into your mind, you just have to be strong. You will find someone else, you will love again, and you will use the lessons you learned from this relationship to find that person....hugs to you stay strong... :)