Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
For those of you who are out there dating, do you find yourself attracted to totally unsuitable mates? I find that I have met many very nice guys that would probably be a good match, but am totally not attracted to them or interested. But the few bad boys that I have little in common with, I want. Its not that I am having casual flings with the bad boys or anything like that. It just that I am attracted to a particular type of guy that would not be a good match for me in the long run. Is this normal??
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I had gone to the grocery store. When I wheeled my cartback to my car I just stool there a minute. A few spacesaway a Tesla Cyber truck was parked. I had seen it on theroad a few times for a few seconds. But not close up.It looked like it belonged to 2126 and not 2026. I wasgoing to take a picture of the car but the owners cameback and drove away. It was an ordinary middle age...
I am just starting my divorce and the thought of getting involved with anyone again anytime soon is just too much for me to think about. I need to get past the divorce and make sure my kids are ok before introducing any more big changes into our lives.
How do I trust my own choices?
From what you two wrote, the "armchair psychologist" in me says that you are dealing with what is commonly called a "broken chooser." It is good, however, that you BOTH seem to recognize this in yourselves. I, too, had somewhat of a broken chooser, but I lived with my choice by staying with a man who I knew never really cared about me for 30 years! We divorced in 2007 -- and THAT is when I finally took a long, hard look inside myself and decided to figure out WHY I had married him in the first place!
We are all products of our lifelong conditioning -- this always has its roots in our families of origin -- our birth order and growing up in whatever level of dysfunction runs in most families. It is not a pleasant experience to be guided backward through all the psychological input but it is WELL WORTH IT!
I went into therapy in 2005 after I put my lying, cheating now-X out of this house. I worked long and hard in those sessions and did a lot of extracurricular reading, as well. One book that was most valuable to me was "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. What an eye opener it was! If you have been the victim of EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT by a parent (and this doesn't have anything to do with a parent physically leaving!) chances are, that becomes the psychological NORM for us as we grow up. The fear of abandonment is like a drug -- we come to crave it even though we KNOW it's not healthy -- but it's because WHAT WE ARE USED TO! Get a copy of this book and READ,READ, READ. Susan also has a website and offers workshops in NY and CA if you live close to either coast. I have never attended one, but I have now read all of her books and they are so full of highlighted passages in a number of colors that it would be nearly impossible for anyone else but me to look at the pages!
Another book which surprised me in how much it reveals about our personalities is "Date or Soul Mate" by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. He is the founder of eHarmony and a psychologist with decades of experience working with couples. I read this book NOT because I was thinking of getting on eHarmony post-divorce. Someone gave it to me and said, "Read this book and do all the exercises in it. When you are finished, you will KNOW exactly what you NEED as well as what you want in a relationship." My eyes were now open very wide and I had a whole new set of guidelines to work with.
Neither of these books are normally on the shelves at your local library or bookstore. They are available on amazon.com and you can also check wonderbook.com if you're on a tight budget (although neither of them is over $20).
As a p.s. I will add that when my Divorce from Hell was finally final in 2007, a dear friend gave me a 3-month subscription to eHarmony. I figured what the heck and signed up. If you read my profile here, you will know the "rest of the story" and hopefully smile and say "I want to be just like the Cowgirl!" My New Life is sooo much better than that old one ever was -- even on its best day -- and I have my amazing therapist and the grace of God to thank for that.
I have maintained a daily presence here on the Divorce After 20+ Years group since stumbling onto this website in August 2008. By being here, I only hope to serve as the Voice of Experience for others who have found themselves in the same situation that I did back in 2007.
May you be kind to yourselves and keep working on yourselves. The healing is definitely a PROCESS and there's always something more to learn about ourselves. God bless!
By being here, I only hope to serve as the Voice of Experience for others who have found themselves in the same situation that I did back in 2005.
I am also a firm believer in taking time to find yourself. After the second guy I dated dumped me without so much as a word, I took a dating break. What started as a short break turned into a nearly TWO YEAR BREAK. In that time I did lots of reading (Date or Soul Mate), got some counseling, learned to be alone and be okay with it, and worked on me and my life. In doing this, I found I was much stronger and my picker totally improved! I didn't date because I needed to; I learned to date because I want to. I don't need a man in my life to be happy. My dating break also taught me to look for someone good, not just anyone.
How do I know this worked? Because when I was seeing a guy from Sept to Dec this year, I had to courage to dump him when I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship. The person I was three years ago would have turned backflips to keep him, at the expense of my own happiness.
Do some reading. Take some time. You won't be sorry.
Wait - we chose because we *want* to *have* the fear of abandonment????? Uh oh.
My ah-ha moment in my marriage came when I no longer cared if he was gone or not - that all the suffering and obsessing and tolerance and not reacting when I should have was just for that - fear that he would leave me. And suddenly, things got so so bad and I said to myself - oh my goodness...I don't care anymore!!!
It feels like crap now, that is for sure, been gone about 10 weeks now and am alone with our 5 year old, crying myself to sleep, trying to read (got lots of books and no time at all) I have no family or friends to help with childcare so time is lacking...and I miss him so much and find my abandonment triggers going off left and right...esp. since he is not calling our son more than once every couple of weeks (Jerk!) ... No money or time for therapy either and that is killing me...
But when I read what you wrote I thought oh my - I crave that feeling?? I will get the books you suggest and try to avoid that when choosing a mate - not a date :)
Thanks and glad I found the site.
~A
A couple other dates and I never heard back from them - more rejection.
After 6 years, I am lonely - I miss having an adult around to talk to. I am anxious and have feeleings of depression. I miss doing things with someone instead of alone or not at all because I don't want to do them alone.
My family and friends are all coupled and have busy lives.
I have read the posts and they talk about being happy alone....finding yourself first. I thought after 6 years I had but not having any success so far in meeting someone, I feel worse than I have in a long time.
Thanks DS for letting me vent.
Hurtin - you are right where I want to be. Someday - I'll get there - I'm working on it.
The way I look at it is - I haven't been alone ever!!! So I have to learn to enjoy this. Even now, I still have my kids, so I'm never really alone. and I'm ok with that :)