Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Geez, I have started this entry like four or five times now and have back spaced everything. I wish life was that easy. Just hit the backspace and nothing would have started so there wouldn't be anything to get over. I could really use something like that right about now.
I was married for 27 years to a guy that was "ok". He is a workaholic, self absorbed, and is a counter dependent. I raised 3 daughters pretty much by my self. He always said he loved me but never made me feel it. I was never happy, always wondering why, couldn't understand why this was all there was to my life. So much so that I was put on anti depressants. I started out on Prozac then Zoloft then Lexapro and finally Cymbalta. In June of 2004 I had a hysterectomy and became so depressed that I wanted to die. In February of 2005 my Mom passed away. She lived in Kentucky and passed away just a day or two before I was scheduled to go visit her. She was on 17 different meds when she passed away and didn't know what half of them were for. After having these two MAJOR setbacks in my life I went off all medications I was on except for hormones and decided to reclaim my "self". I still was not happy with my marriage. More changes, during those years after my mom passed away I had our three daughters graduate, move out, go to college, get married. My whole life had been turned upside down and every day my husband just got up and went to work like nothing was ever happening. Not once did he comfort me.
One day while on Facebook I ran across an old boyfriend (the one). We connected and chatted for a while. He told me all kinds of things that I really needed to hear. That he had thought about me over the years, wondered where I was, had missed me many times, had tried to find me on several occasions, the list goes on. I believed him. Left my husband and stayed with a friend for a while. Then last August I got an apartment of my own.
It was during this time away that My husband and I started going to counseling. It was also during this time that I learned that all this time that I was unhappy I thought it was all my fault but I have come to realize that it was just as much his as mine. He doesn't meet any of my needs. Has no clue how to give of himself or sacrifice for another. Didn't leave me for another woman but for a job. And we had been living in an abandoned relationship.
I continued talking with the ex "boyfriend" for over a year when I find out that he was doing the exact same thing with another women that he knew from his past. He lived in Texas when I first connected with him and was in the process of moving to northern Michigan, where we were from when I knew him before. The other girl was already there. Even after he had moved in with her he would email me and tell me that he had made a mistake and wanted to see me then the very next week tell me we wouldn't work out, a couple weeks later I would get another email saying he was sorry and wanted to see me then another email saying it wouldn't work out. I finally told him if he started to miss me again he would need to come here and tell me in person. I haven't heard from him since but I find myself still checking my email and on several occasions I just want to break down and text him or send him an email or worse yet call him. I had thought about this guy for ever. All the things that he had said to me were exactly the things that I had felt. I had thought about him, tried to find him, wondered about him, missed him. I was sure that this was destiny.
Today, I sit here in such a mess that I don't even recognize myself. I have aged 10 years over the last two and I feel more confused than ever. My husband still insists that he loves me and always has. And even though we are not living together, we see each other all the time. Kind of like an old couple that have separate bedrooms, we have separate houses. I care about him but ... he still doesn't meet my needs. I can't get rid of him, he is the only person I know. The only friend I have and I can and do talk to him about everything. But my heart tells me I don't want to be any closer than we are right now.
My lease is up in August and he wants me to come back home. In many ways it would be a good thing. Our daughter lives at home with her little boy and after work I babysit him in the evenings while she works. My husband works and works and works and sometimes doesn't get home till 9 or so at night then I go to my apartment. This makes no sense to me to pay rent for a place that I only sleep at. But I don't have it in my heart to move back in to the marriage.
Does any of this make sense to any one else? I feel that no matter which direction I go it's the wrong way.
I was married for 27 years to a guy that was "ok". He is a workaholic, self absorbed, and is a counter dependent. I raised 3 daughters pretty much by my self. He always said he loved me but never made me feel it. I was never happy, always wondering why, couldn't understand why this was all there was to my life. So much so that I was put on anti depressants. I started out on Prozac then Zoloft then Lexapro and finally Cymbalta. In June of 2004 I had a hysterectomy and became so depressed that I wanted to die. In February of 2005 my Mom passed away. She lived in Kentucky and passed away just a day or two before I was scheduled to go visit her. She was on 17 different meds when she passed away and didn't know what half of them were for. After having these two MAJOR setbacks in my life I went off all medications I was on except for hormones and decided to reclaim my "self". I still was not happy with my marriage. More changes, during those years after my mom passed away I had our three daughters graduate, move out, go to college, get married. My whole life had been turned upside down and every day my husband just got up and went to work like nothing was ever happening. Not once did he comfort me.
One day while on Facebook I ran across an old boyfriend (the one). We connected and chatted for a while. He told me all kinds of things that I really needed to hear. That he had thought about me over the years, wondered where I was, had missed me many times, had tried to find me on several occasions, the list goes on. I believed him. Left my husband and stayed with a friend for a while. Then last August I got an apartment of my own.
It was during this time away that My husband and I started going to counseling. It was also during this time that I learned that all this time that I was unhappy I thought it was all my fault but I have come to realize that it was just as much his as mine. He doesn't meet any of my needs. Has no clue how to give of himself or sacrifice for another. Didn't leave me for another woman but for a job. And we had been living in an abandoned relationship.
I continued talking with the ex "boyfriend" for over a year when I find out that he was doing the exact same thing with another women that he knew from his past. He lived in Texas when I first connected with him and was in the process of moving to northern Michigan, where we were from when I knew him before. The other girl was already there. Even after he had moved in with her he would email me and tell me that he had made a mistake and wanted to see me then the very next week tell me we wouldn't work out, a couple weeks later I would get another email saying he was sorry and wanted to see me then another email saying it wouldn't work out. I finally told him if he started to miss me again he would need to come here and tell me in person. I haven't heard from him since but I find myself still checking my email and on several occasions I just want to break down and text him or send him an email or worse yet call him. I had thought about this guy for ever. All the things that he had said to me were exactly the things that I had felt. I had thought about him, tried to find him, wondered about him, missed him. I was sure that this was destiny.
Today, I sit here in such a mess that I don't even recognize myself. I have aged 10 years over the last two and I feel more confused than ever. My husband still insists that he loves me and always has. And even though we are not living together, we see each other all the time. Kind of like an old couple that have separate bedrooms, we have separate houses. I care about him but ... he still doesn't meet my needs. I can't get rid of him, he is the only person I know. The only friend I have and I can and do talk to him about everything. But my heart tells me I don't want to be any closer than we are right now.
My lease is up in August and he wants me to come back home. In many ways it would be a good thing. Our daughter lives at home with her little boy and after work I babysit him in the evenings while she works. My husband works and works and works and sometimes doesn't get home till 9 or so at night then I go to my apartment. This makes no sense to me to pay rent for a place that I only sleep at. But I don't have it in my heart to move back in to the marriage.
Does any of this make sense to any one else? I feel that no matter which direction I go it's the wrong way.
Don't move back in with your husband. It sounds like he loves you, but it would just be a convenience and you are not in love with him.
The old boyfriend was just a catalyst for you to make the move away from your unsatisfying life.
Try to work on loving yourself first. You can't love anyone until you love yourself. NO ONE can make you happy, unless you are happy in your own skin.
I tell you this, because this is where I have been. It took therapy and a lot of mistakes before I finally realized that I am the only one who holds the key to myself.
Hugs to you! You will find your direction, just look inward and give yourself the time you need.
Take care and stay in touch. DS really does help.