Life After Divorce Support Group

This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.

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rose77 06/21/2010

I am having a tough time getting past my divorce. I am the one that wanted out because he choose to continue picking women up on the internet and texting and chatting with them, And probably meeting them while we where still married. I could not take it anymore I could no longer trust him when he said he was doing nothing wrong. And as it turned out I was right to tell him we where done. He was still doing something wrong he, he was having emotional affairs and that was his priority over me. but as bad as that was and as miserable as he made me. AND as mad as I am at him still, I can't move on. Part of the problem is that I have not yelled and screamed at him and told him what a bastard he is. I never got that total anger out, I just told him I could not do this any more and since he was in such denial as to what he was doing and that it was wrong, I still don't think he knows that why I told him to leave. He wants to believe what he wants to believe, and I am not mean to him, so he takes it as me not hating him probably. I need the extra money I can get out of him so that is one reason I don't blast him. but I so wish I could. just tell him off . but also I just also don't get why it matters to me that he thinks well of me.
When that no longer matters then maybe I will know I have moved on. I get these conflicting feelings of hatred and I miss him. I just want to move on and not care what he thinks and not care what he does and not think about what he is doing. we are divorced he can see who he wants, but it still bothers me that he is happier talking to these women and not sad he lost me.

Lstecker 06/21/2010

Hey Rose,

Dealing with the divorce is one thing. Dealing with what he did to you, with the cheating, is another. Both are hard as hell to go thru.

Just keep reminding yourself, on those days that you miss him, of what he did to you. Remind yourself how that felt - finding all that out. Remind yourself that you don't want to live with that. Every few months, finding out there's another damned woman out there that he found...

Yell at him when this money issue gets all resolved. When the dust settles.

Yes, it's all very hard, but you are closer to being done with this whole crap than you were when you started...

If anything, rose, try some counseling. This can be sooooo much to deal with. Having someone help you sort it all out helps.

L~

deleted_user 06/22/2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree that counseling is a great idea. Also, I recommend if you cannot yell at him, write it down. You will be amazed at how much it helps to put your thoughts and feelings on paper. I started a journal about two months ago and it does help me feel like I have been able to vent without having to actually talk to anyone. Good luck!

rose77 06/22/2010

Thanks, I do keep a journal and I call it my angry journal, because I really only write in it when I am pissed off. Which sometimes is a lot sometimes not. I was in counseling, but since the divorce my insurance changed because I was on his, and therapist are under specialist which my deductible is 60 dollars, and I cannot afford that every week or even every two weeks. the person I was seeing doesn't even take my new plan and really was not interested in working with me. so I am trying to get a new counselor maybe someone who will work with me. I know I need it I am still at the stage where counselor will help me a lot. I think that maybe that is one of the reasons I am going down hill again, I don't have that person to put things in perspective for me on a daily basis. Really thank you for all your advise and input I need someone to remind me why I did what I did, even though I know I did the right thing, no question, but sometimes it just helps to have someone who has been there talking you through it.

deleted_user 06/22/2010

My ex was having emotional affairs as well. He never understood why I asked him to leave. He sees himself as the victim. Has no clue about what he did wrong because he refuses to see things clearly. And I never raised my voice to him or said an ugly word to him... ever. But I had no problem getting over him or letting go of that relationship. I'm not sure why it's so easy for some of us. Maybe it had to do with him being emotionally and financially abusive. I guess maybe I realize that I don't have to live with someone like that. And that if he acted that way, then despite what he said... he didn't love me. So why would I want someone like that in my life? It's insane to "miss" someone like that! Think about it. You can't have just the parts of him that were good to you... you have to have ALL of him. Is it worth it? You miss that?

It really is better to be by yourself than it is to live with someone who disrespects you.

deleted_user 07/18/2010

Rose I ended a relationship with someone several months ago who was on the internet all hours of the day and night. I was never sure who he was communicating with. It was emotionally degrading. Glad I am rid of him. Now I have a sense of peace. You probably feel the same way.

deleted_user 07/19/2010

my husband didn't think he was doing any thing wrong the two month he was talking to his whore--he doesn't consider he commited adultery until she came up here and actually slept with her

but I think emotional adultery-telling he loved her was just as bad if not worse than when he actually consumated the affair

I have two kids and need the extra money also--I would love to yell and scream and sock him in the nose (that would hurt me more than him but its fun to think about lol) I settle for dreaming about doing it--- some times my fantasy makes me giggle and the kids ask whats so funny-I just smile

but it hurts just the same--I don't know if I will ever get over the pain of his cheating and leaving me for another women---or that I could ever trust another man--and I don't know why men are so thick headed that they don't understand emotional cheating is just as bad as physical cheating mabe they just don't want to understand
good luck and just keep remembering you were right!

deleted_user 07/21/2010

I'm in the same boat except my wife was the one having the emotional affairs. She didn't see it as a cheating since it wasn't physical, although the emails and texts and plans to see one another were pretty telling. Either way a dissappointing violation of trust and loyalty. She felt the need to shift blame because I read her email. Then denied that what I read was really there after it was deleted. When I found out it was still going on after 2 years, a week ago actually, we decided to end it.

I understand you're wanting to yell. I was lucky enough to get to do that and felt better afterword. One last attempt to make her understand that what she did was wrong. I don't think it made any impact on her but I felt like I was able to say what I needed to and get some degree of closure.

I agree with LStecker, get your money situation dealt with, then do the yelling. What helped me was to write a letter to her. You may never send it but get your thoughts organized and vent .
Good luck and hang in there.

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