Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
I'm not divorced yet. We've been married 1 year and 1 week as of yesterday. Let me start with a basic history of our relationship.
Started dating June 5, 2010. I was 18, he was 19.
A week later my mom kicked me out because of some family issues with my stepdad and I moved in with him and his parents.
In July 2010 we found out I was pregnant. I miscarried.
In August 2010 we moved into our first apartment.
In September 2010 we found out I was pregnant again. Miscarried a second time.
In April 2011 we had our 3rd miscarriage. I was a complete wreck until the following August. He almost left me but in July 2011 he proposed.
In October 2011 we suffered our 4th loss. Doctor's can't tell me why but I was braced for it. He seemed to be more effected than I was.
In October 2011 he started a new job, more money but he worked nights and I worked days. We hardly seen eachother.
In November 2011 we were married. He enlisted.
In February 2012 we miscarried our 5th baby. He started an affair that lasted until May. In June he left for basic training.
In August he graduated, we spent part of 4 days together.
In September I found out he had started the affair again but online as he was in tech school. We moved into our new apartment in a new place, I started a new job. He ended the affair.
November 2012 was our one year marriage anniversary.
We're moving again in Feb 2013.
I love him, and I believe he loves me. We don't spend a lot of time together. We've gone out on one date since September when we moved back in together after being apart from June to mid-September... and that was our anniversary. He purchased a $500 computer. Which was fine. We agreed it would be his anniversary/Christmas present... I didn't ask for anything. And I didn't get anything, not even a card. Which was ok because I really didn't ask for anything. Since he got this new computer (its been 2 weeks) he's spent every moment he's home playing computer games. He did this before for months at a time until I begged him to slow it down. He hasn't helped clean, he doesn't take our dogs out while I'm at work... Since about 2 weeks after moving here our sex life has become almost non-existent and when we do have sex I'm the one who does all the work and we can only have sex when HE wants to, regardless of when I want to. If I'm not in the mood he guilt trips me into having sex because we only have sex once every couple of weeks, if that. I was hoping to go to college when we move in Feb because I had to turn down my college acceptance & scholarships because of the family issues with my mom and stepdad before they kicked me out years before, but he wants to start trying for a baby again and wants me to go to school after we have one or two kids. I know at this point being 21 years old if I have kids right now I probably wont go to school at all. I was ok with trying before after we lost our first because I want kids and I wasn't ready for school because I had changed my career path (I would have been going to be a journalist, now I'm in the photography/graphic design industry but would love a degree in this field).
I guess my complaint is he doesn't care about my needs, he ignores me, there is no romance and I'm not satisfied sexually anymore... I want to stick through tech school because I know he's under a lot of stress and we hardly see each other right now... But I'm worried that his behavior won't change when we move. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to be with me because we both want kids, even though I would like to wait a few more years to give myself time to heal emotionally and to better myself....
My question would be that those here who have divorced, do you regret it? What pushed you to the point where it wasn't just thinking about it anymore, you actually wanted to do it? I'm so lost and I love him, I don't want to lose him, but I can't be miserable for the rest of my life. He's refused marriage counseling, so that's out. I really don't know how to fix things on my own, and I'm the only one trying....
Started dating June 5, 2010. I was 18, he was 19.
A week later my mom kicked me out because of some family issues with my stepdad and I moved in with him and his parents.
In July 2010 we found out I was pregnant. I miscarried.
In August 2010 we moved into our first apartment.
In September 2010 we found out I was pregnant again. Miscarried a second time.
In April 2011 we had our 3rd miscarriage. I was a complete wreck until the following August. He almost left me but in July 2011 he proposed.
In October 2011 we suffered our 4th loss. Doctor's can't tell me why but I was braced for it. He seemed to be more effected than I was.
In October 2011 he started a new job, more money but he worked nights and I worked days. We hardly seen eachother.
In November 2011 we were married. He enlisted.
In February 2012 we miscarried our 5th baby. He started an affair that lasted until May. In June he left for basic training.
In August he graduated, we spent part of 4 days together.
In September I found out he had started the affair again but online as he was in tech school. We moved into our new apartment in a new place, I started a new job. He ended the affair.
November 2012 was our one year marriage anniversary.
We're moving again in Feb 2013.
I love him, and I believe he loves me. We don't spend a lot of time together. We've gone out on one date since September when we moved back in together after being apart from June to mid-September... and that was our anniversary. He purchased a $500 computer. Which was fine. We agreed it would be his anniversary/Christmas present... I didn't ask for anything. And I didn't get anything, not even a card. Which was ok because I really didn't ask for anything. Since he got this new computer (its been 2 weeks) he's spent every moment he's home playing computer games. He did this before for months at a time until I begged him to slow it down. He hasn't helped clean, he doesn't take our dogs out while I'm at work... Since about 2 weeks after moving here our sex life has become almost non-existent and when we do have sex I'm the one who does all the work and we can only have sex when HE wants to, regardless of when I want to. If I'm not in the mood he guilt trips me into having sex because we only have sex once every couple of weeks, if that. I was hoping to go to college when we move in Feb because I had to turn down my college acceptance & scholarships because of the family issues with my mom and stepdad before they kicked me out years before, but he wants to start trying for a baby again and wants me to go to school after we have one or two kids. I know at this point being 21 years old if I have kids right now I probably wont go to school at all. I was ok with trying before after we lost our first because I want kids and I wasn't ready for school because I had changed my career path (I would have been going to be a journalist, now I'm in the photography/graphic design industry but would love a degree in this field).
I guess my complaint is he doesn't care about my needs, he ignores me, there is no romance and I'm not satisfied sexually anymore... I want to stick through tech school because I know he's under a lot of stress and we hardly see each other right now... But I'm worried that his behavior won't change when we move. Sometimes I feel like he only wants to be with me because we both want kids, even though I would like to wait a few more years to give myself time to heal emotionally and to better myself....
My question would be that those here who have divorced, do you regret it? What pushed you to the point where it wasn't just thinking about it anymore, you actually wanted to do it? I'm so lost and I love him, I don't want to lose him, but I can't be miserable for the rest of my life. He's refused marriage counseling, so that's out. I really don't know how to fix things on my own, and I'm the only one trying....
I see us in much of your post. My X couldn't cope with personal loss. He didn't cheat on me with other women... instead he cheated on me with alcohol. Over time, the alcohol was the only thing he could think about, and it eventually killed him (he died Dec. 2nd).
BEFORE you even consider trying again with children or even trying again as a couple, GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING. Figure out what issues are affecting your relationship, how to deal with them, and evaluate whether or not the counseling is working and THEN decide. Because there is NOTHING more terrible than a relationship that can't grow. {{HUGS}}
Your marriage isn't working. You and he need to see a counselor to work through all these issues. I divorced my husband after 33 years of marriage and I have been so much happier without him. No regrets here. You have your life ahead of you and focus on your future and becoming self-supporting. You have plenty of time to have children. Now is the time to focus on yourself and get an education. Good luck!