since i told my mum about my abuse she was really upset and blames herself, but she never comes to see me she hardly comes round and keeps promiseing to come see me and never comes without letting me know! i keep telling her she neeeds to make more of an effort and she says she will but never does? this is really upsetting because i love my mum and want her to be around someines when i need her, i used to visit them all the time but i stopped as no one came to see me and ive cut all ties with my family appart from my mum and i really dont want to do the same with mum. i ask myself everyday does she really care?
In my training for working with families where incest occurred I learned that almost without exception the mothers "do" know it's happening but use denial to keep themselves from knowing. In working with the mother's group in group therapy, they all denied they knew and some didn't believe still...they kept it from entering conscious thought through denial....I'll confess I was skeptical when told the mothers always know I found it hard to accept but experience taught me otherwise or at least it held true with those I worked with and saw. The format was group therapy (court ordered) with the mothers (about 12 mothers in a group) from homes where incest had occurred. There were two therapists one male one female. Without fail it would begin with the mothers vehemently denying they knew what was happening and many were very passion and deeply offended that it was even suggested that they knew ....yet by the end of the group with rare exception they all were forced out of denial and came to accept as truth that they "did" ,in fact, know...they just didn't want to know which is why they remained in denial. For many it was quite emotional when they first had to admit, not only to themselves but publicly admit it out loud to the group that they did know their husbands or sons were sexually abusing their daughters (or sons)...it;s a bitter pill to swallow. There is a big difference between ignorance and denial...ignorance is when you literally do not know...denial is when you "do" know but don't want to know.
Given the length of time your abuse continued, I have to believe your mother "knew" you were being abused but stayed in denial all those years, your coming forward and revealing forced her to remember the countless times her instincts and thoughts that would cross her mind that something sexual was going on between you and her husband but she couldn't/wouldn't deal with it and thus, pushed it out of her mind again and again and continued on as if the thoughts never happened.....your recounting what happened forced her to remember all those times she "suspected" and could have done something but didn't....some of the mothers I worked with were still defending their husbands (daughter seduced him "if" it happened or they remained in denial and accused their daughters of lying or exaggerating or misunderstanding...but majority believed their child but denied any knowledge of it ever happening.....all would have to be literally forced to look at the actual reality....it sounds like your mother at least believed you when you told many on here (DS) are not believed or blamed for it ....something that terribly wounds the child...it's bad enough to be abused but to not be believed by your own mother when you finally do tell hurts beyond belief. My guess is your mother's emotional upset and self blame was very real and it sounds like she's continuing to struggle and come to grips with it. Her avoidance of you could be due to a myriad of things or combination of things....anything from shame and humiliation she feels when she sees you..... to that but combined with anger...irrational anger to be sure but anger nonetheless....anger that you've forced her to deal with her failure, to resentment that you didn't come forward sooner, to on some level having conflict because part of her blames you. It's complicated stuff. I'm sure your mother cares about you but I can understand why you ask yourself that question daily. I know you want your mother in your life but have you really worked through the absolutely justified anger you have toward her for not protecting you all those childhood years? Or has your desire and wanting to have her in your life kept you in denial of that anger? Clearly her not coming to see is tied to something be it conscious or unconscious but regardless it only fuels that anger and hurt in you as it should....as I mentioned in the beginning, there's too much I dk...such as the capacity for your mother to be "real" and genuine so you can feel safe enough to express all your feeling ...the hurt and anger you feel toward him but also her or is your desire and need for a relationship with her such that "you" can't allow yourself to really talk to her in that kind of depth? All I do know with some certainty is you and your mother must have some serious, in depth, heart to heart talks even if a therapist is needed to facilitate as almost certainly this issue is caused by unexpressed feelings, thoughts, beliefs by her, you or both...and now every time she doesn't follow through and come to visit you is another cut another hole in your heart causing you more doubt about what you really mean to her and it's a question that must be answered regardless of what the answer is or what way it goes as what's happening (not knowing) is keeping you from healing and moving on with your life. It seems clear that she's not going to so it means you're going to have to force the issue and get all the issues and feelings on the table......and you must prepare yourself to deal with whatever comes out of it. I'm sorry after all you've been through this issue is happening with your mother...I know you want and need her but whatever is happening must come out before anything will change and thus you'll continue to be confused and hurt
I'm sorry this is so damn long but there were just too many unknowns to give a short answer. I hope it at least gives you something to consider in terms of possibilities of what;s going on and how to resolve it.