I remember first starting to lie when I was probably in elementary school. I felt different from the other kids, and even my whole family because I was adopted, and my parents explained what that meant when I was in 3rd grade.

I began just by telling lies about little things, like in responses to simple questions like, "have you brushed your teeth?" or "did you really pull your sister's hair?" Things, I always equated with being normal.

Growing up with my family, watching my parents fight all the time, my Mom power pushing and throwing her wordy-weight around, and my Dad just taking it, I was never shown how to accept responsibility both for my actions and for my mistakes. How to admit to them, or even recognize them. If I did, I got scared, and learned to just push those thoughts of feeling imperfect, or not living up to expectations, someone else's or my own, somewhere in the back of my mind.

Over time as Middle School and High School came, I had developed an irrational fear of confrontation, and also an intense sense of hate towards my mom, and conflicted feelings towards my Dad for not being around, due to work, when I was younger when I needed him to protect me from my Mom's abuse, both verbal and physical, and loving him because he didn't hurt me directly in any way I could see. My dad now had his own business and was always home, when I didn't want him home now.

I had a serious inclination to rebel against anything my Mom said or wanted me to do simply because of how I felt about her and how out of control I felt about how my life was shaping up around me. I began to lie about homework, not doing homework, skipping classes, smoking, doing drugs, sneaking out at night to go smoke up with friends, or be with boys and girls I was sexually active with. Whenever my parents needed to confront me about something, they would take me into the living room and my Mom would grill me while my Dad stayed silent on the side, his face always looking how I felt on the inside, and I would usually just sit there, quiet, hugging a pillow, choked up in my words, and scared out of my mind. I was afraid in that moment that I would either be verbally berated for my choices, or physically threatened or abused.

I began to learn even more so in those days that if I could just come up with the perfect lie in that moment, that I could avoid any hurt feelings, or that look of disappointment, and that shame I felt inside when my Mom got sad.

My family, including my sister, who didn't learn to cope with our childhood by lying, all knew I had a problem with lying, but no one ever confronted me about that. At least not that I can remember. My parents made me start therapy when I was a junior in High School. They put me on anti-depressants, and I lied to my therapist about anything and everything.

Jump 8 years ahead, through countless relationships later that have ended badly because of my lying, and cheating ways, and I find myself sitting in a room, my living room apartment with my current girlfriend, and the girl I am cheating on her with, face to face. In that moment, I found myself unable to lie, because both knew their own truth, and I could not manipulate it. I was paralyzed with fear, and knew in that instant that I have a problem. A very serious problem that I've told myself and therapists, lovers, family members, over and over again that I'd stop. But now I know that I can't do it alone.

Today:

I read all I can on the disease of lying. I also attend a 12 step group called Al-Anon. I can't say how much this group has helped me with my lying problem. Lying is just like any other addiction. And I am slowly, slowly starting to understand myself and the WHY's, of what I do, and how I can help myself be a better person.

That was very well written, and I can see we have a few similar experiences. I should get a post up soon, mine is a story that has never been told and because I'm neck deep in the lies, the truth is proving difficult to recognise.

Jess,

You definitely should. We all benefit by knowing we're NOT unique, and not alone.

Laura

I started lying at a fairly young age. I lied to my parents mostly. I thought they were trying to control me and figured I could lie to get out of them controlling me and get what I wanted. I felt incredibly guilty at first, but soon it became almost like second nature. I soon started branching out and lying to more people. Such people included my close friends, coaches, even girlfriends. I haven't had the best relationships because I've lied and been caught and have still lied. There are times whern I don't realize that anything is wrong with what I'm doing. I lie because I'm terrified a lot of the time of standing up like a man and taking the consequences. I also don't really think things through before I say things and also do things for that matter. I've hurt so many loved ones because of my choosing to lie and not be honest. I know I'm a good person. I try not to think of myslef being defined by my lying. I don't think lying defines who I am. It does hinder me though. I've got goodness in my herat. I just need that goodness to shine.

Well, maybe it isn't everything I could tell about how it all started, but it is all the best I can write at the moment. Just look into my diary, there's my confession.

pablita, could You post those 12 steps here or send it to me? Are they regular steps for alcoholics or there are some changes?

I starting lting when I was about 12 years old. Why? I am not sure. I think I just wanted to escape from the world that I was living in. Now, I am 28 and I am still lying. I question why all of the time. I hurt those I love. I think it's when people get too close. But, this is why I am here is to figure out why and how to fix it. I am married to the mkost understanding women in the world. But, her patience will only go so far. How do I tell people that I have lied to them?

"How do I tell people that I have lied to them?" That's the question I"ve been asking myself and the only answer I've come up with so far as been a (cowardly) "I can't." I'm so ashamed and yet the worst thing is the fear of being found out. I've recently ended a relationship because she was about to find out I lied. I am grieving for her and also for the community I've lost because if I go into it again, I will be found out. I know this is a bit cryptic, but......

I started lying when I was about ten years old. I would lie to get my little brother in trouble. Then it turned into I would lie about everything. I think I started lying to get attention and then it turned into to avoid confrontation. I came from a big family(2 brothers and 2 sisters all of us adopted). Now my lying has never really stopped. I lie to my wife to avoid her getting mad at me or put things off. Now, because of my lying my wife is leaving me after thirteen years of begging and pleading that i would never do it again but I still found myelf in the same boat.

The worst thing I got out my lying is that now I don't even trust myself. Which has lead me to be a little paranoid at times. I have lied so much that I can't even remember them all and when I get caught in one I don't even remember what I said or lied about.

I can relate to all of your replies I see a little bit of everything you all have said that I have gone through or I am going through right now. I am glad that I found this because I thought I was alone and that there was no hope.

let's talk.
i have tried using AA and NA to get at this problem, but i am not an alcoholic or drug addict...and, after a while, i've started to realize that saying "I'm COnnor, I'm an alcholic," when i mean liar, might not be the bet start.
what about the 12 steps? lot of emotional growth in there.
and, you can't work the steps without a sponsor.
let's sponsor each other, brother.
anybody else? wanna work the steps and help sponsor another liar?
let's really get something going.
liars are all talk.
let's take some action.

Thomas I fully agree. I took my first steps and... stopped. Why? Hmmm.... I fear for results. I told about my lies to my wife. But what about others? There are still many people I should talk to. Parents, parents-in-law, brother and others too. It is difficult. Wife was most important for me and I guess that's why I found a strength to tell her. But I don't have enough motivation to talk to others...
Step one is always:
"Admit that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had becomed unmanageable"
I'm going to create a separate topic for this step. Most of us already did that, but let's make it clear.

I am up for it. The one thing that I got out of my therapist is that the 12 steps can work for anything. I would sponsor somebody and would liked to sponsored. I think everybody would benefit from this and the outcome would be great. It doesn't hurt to try it.

Hey Andy,

I also have the same problem of confronting someone and telling them I lied to them, especially my wife. I have not tried this myself but am going to to try it is to either right it down and leave it for them to read or text them and tell them you lied that way you when you do talk them face to face maybe it will make it easier to talk to them about it and maybe it will ease the pressure you feel. Just a thought. I am going to start tying it out I will let you know how it goes.

Hmm, just leaving letter seems a bit problematic for me. I would rather prepare such person somehow and then try it. But just a letter looks like You're trying to avoid confessing.
Just my thought...
Hugs

i need help overcomeing being a liar... i need a support group..... thanx

We are here to help. Each of us need such help. And each of us want to give such support (although some may not be ready yet). So - You're in right place.
Read our stories (if You haven't done it yet) to see You are not alone. When You'll be ready we will be happy to hear about Your life or whatever You'll like to say.