Hi Hans, I am in the same position. I noticed in my recent discovery that I tell lies in times of stress in my life. It's almost like a coping mechanism. I tell lies to keep an even keel in my life. I have never told a malicious lie in my life. I just tell them to avoid confrontation and to make everyone happy. Well with all of the Kaos in my life these past few years my lies have caused some huge problemselection and my marriage is in jeopardy. I have no friends, my only confidant, my mom passed away a year and a half ago...I just am so alone. My hubby does things like yell at me and almost hit me the other day. Told my 9 & 10 year old your mom is a huge liar, then turns around and tells me we can get through this. I am flip flopping in my head constantly.
I guess what I am saying is, I wish I knew how to get help. Hope I can find something here. Hope you do as well.

You can both get through this will prayer, professional counseling, and effort. Nothing is impossible, but you will have to do some real self reflection, couple reflection, sharing, and honesty. I am going through the same thing and doing those things has been great for my own progress.

Hi I am Marcus and I am a liar. My lying to my wife has been going on 21 years and it hurts her terribly when I do. I say that I will never lie again but inadvertently and after a short stint I will lie again about the stupidest stuff. She tells me "How can I trust you about anything you say and she is right.I am losing her. I've got to stop Some people say we lie because of low self esteem or past childhood experiences laden with guilt and shame. I am seeking out a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy.

Marcus, read my first post to this thread. Low self esteem, childhood experiences, and the fact that we have created a pattern of behavior for us. Getting private help, prayer, and effort can turn things around. You are capable of change. You have to believe that. Surround yourself with good people and good supports. Most, if not all of the efforts rests on our shoulders.

A psychologist or therapist can give great insight, but you have to be honest with him/her. They will help you figure things out so that you can be honest with your wife and others.

You can do it, but you have to believe it. You have to believe in your self.

Hello everyone,

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for this board where we can come together and discuss our experiences with one another.

Prayer, professional help, and effort are really important in our recovery. At first, I thought just effort and some professional help would be fine but I was inconsistent with my lying. I would go 2-3 weeks then slip up, feel shame/guilt/self-pity - then start the process over. When I was working with my therapist - I was about 95% truthful, there were still skeletons in my closet that I did not want to share with anyone, ever! After the exercise that I went through about making a moral inventory of everything and sharing it with someone, I feel much more light and am less ashamed about sharing more details with my therapist. I would like to suggest that and whether it'd be your wife, best friend, therapist, share your list with another person you trust and it will help lighten your load.

In regards to low self esteem and children experiences laden with guilt and shame, I suggest "The Gifts of Imperfection," by Brene Brown. It's an amazing book and I am working towards living my life the way she describes - living with courage, compassion, and connection - all through being vulnerable. She explains it WAY better in my book, so if that last sentence came across weird, check out her TED Talks on YouTube (links posted below).

Ted Talks 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
Ted Talks 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

It is just great to realize that I am not alone in my endeavors to change a very destructive habit. This is the first time in my life that I realize how much lying can be so say trust busting. I am trying not to lie to my wife but I must realize that In have said in the past that I would never lie to her again so must try and keep building momentum and continue to catch myself