I feel I've been making great advances in becoming a better person. I've been doing a lot for myself recently since my girlfriend left. Journaling, exercising, getting out with friends, bascially trying to be the person I know my girlfriend fell in love with, but doing it for myself. I still have moments of being down, but I stop and think to myself that I'm not lying anymore. I haven't lied in weeks, I haven't felt the need. I've even been in a situation where I could've lied and told the truth. I wanted to put my house on Airbnb but it's a rental. I thought about just not notifying the landlord and going ahead and doing it, but that would be lying. So instead I've emailed to ask for permission, I saw this as a great step towards being better. I tried to talk to my girlfriend, I asked her to forgive me for what I did during our relationship and she didn't take it well. She told me to not deny her the right to be upset and that I should never give her advice again. I was really only trying to help and wasn't doing it to be selfish, but she thought I was doing it to make myself feel better because she was angry at me. I love her so much, I do want her back in my life but I know she doesn't want the person that I was back. She wants a new someone, whether that's a new me or a new person entirely , I have no idea. I can only give her time and space to go through her own emotions and experience new and happy experiences. She might meet someone new, I know there's a big chance of that happening and all I can do is be happy for her and the person she becomes through all this.

And for me, all I can do is keep working on being a better person, maturing, looking after myself and being happy. It's all any of us can do when we're in the situations we're all in. We all lie to escape, or because we're afraid. Really though, I think we're all selfish to a certain degree, we care about ourselves before others otherwise we wouldn't feel the need to better our situation or escape consequences by lying. I wish I listened to my girlfriend a long time ago, I wish I sought help earlier and showed her that change is possible and I could be a better person, but I didn't. I watched her anxiety take a hold of her through fear I was lying. I would've never cheated on my  girlfriend, or stole from her or do anything like that, but because I'd killed her trust in me she couldn't see that. She thought that in time I would cheat or do something drastic and then lie about it. I wouldn't, but I lied about the little things and that didn't give her hope when it came to big things.