Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
Hi all,
When I first admitted to having a problem with lying to my wife, I told her I would get support in my local community, yet after searching I never found any such groups. I then decided that I could do it by myself, that I could do it cold turkey.
My lies have always been unnecesary and somewhat small I thought, growing up never thinking to much about the fact that they are lies and not caring to much about using them easily. Using them in situations that didnt warrent any lies, small things like telling people you are from a different town then the one you are from. However during my marriage the fact that Ive thought these lies arent an issue have lead to serious problems in my marriage, especially since my wife has told me countess times that her number one problem is with disonnesty, and since then my dishonest ways have come to light. I have promised that I would stop, I thought I could do it on my own, but then after a few weeks since my promise and doing well not to even endulge in any white lie of fib, even be it in a sarcatic joke, I lied when my wife asked me about buying something from walgreens... I blurted out I forgot to tell her... Such a stupid thing not to share with my wife, such an unnecessary thing to put our marriage through, I have no reason to lie yet I blurted it out as if Id get in some kind of trouble.. Truly an unnecessary act. I have lost my supposed handle on controlling all lies, I have stop having a lie filter and instead I have put my marriage in jeopardy for something so unnecessary. My wife is now asking for a divorce since she believes I am a dishonest person, and rightfully so, all these lies I see as small, and the mechanism I have been using at my disposal my entire life have added up into shomething I never thought would become an issue in my life. Lies even if small white lies harbour dishonnesty, and now I have a huge problem on my hands, one where my wife doesnt trust me, and wants a divorce.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to nurture trust in a damaged relationship? how to control an unnecessary impulse to tell a lie? what practises can I employ to stop telling unnecessary lies? how to become a more trustful person, without any dishonnesty? I know I have a problem and I need help.
Thank you
I am the wife of a husband who lies to me repeatedly. I have chosen to stay with him because we love each other. You and your wife probably first need to look at it from that perspective and decide if you love each other and want to be together. If you do, then I will be the first to say that you could have a healthy loving relationship and damaged trust at the same time. Every relationship has problems, your wife needs to decide if these are problems that she can live with. They will likely not go away quickly but there are lots of things you can do to better them. My husband lies to me about small things (like what he had for lunch) and big things (like financial peril). Both are extremely hurtful to me. I have a history with being hurt by lies that stems from my childhood… He knows this and does not want to hurt me, yet he continues to lie. It is very difficult for him as well.He is always very sorry and regretful when I catch him and his lies come to light. My husband is overall a good person and excellent father and husband… And those other areas make this troubled area worth working on. It will help your case if you can better yourself in every way, not just this area. Your wife is going to have to be willing to work on this with you… And that is not fair. This is your problem and she is the one being hurt by it yet she will have to do a substantial amount of self reflection and put forth a lot of emotional energy to better this for both of you. That can be hard to come to terms with, but much like life, no one says that marriage is fair. How long have you been married? If your wife is on board to keep working on this with you, you both need to understand that there will be painful setbacks. My husband has made major improvements, but not without setbacks. And we have grown together and strengthened our relationship as a result of this problem. It seems impossible but it’s true. You will have a lot of work to do as well, here are some suggestions. Whatever you choose to do, know that no one single thing will Work forever. You have to change it up to stay mentally engaged in your commitment to change and if you try something for a while and it works, it will eventually become the norm and stop being meaningful to you so you will have to change.
1. Set a daily reminder in your phone to touch base with your wife on your honesty. This has huge potential to help but my husband and I don’t do this one bc he lies about his lies (sigh). Will you? Or do you lie impulsively and then would you be able to admit to them?
2. Make an appointment with a mental health care provider. You can go by yourself or with your wife.
3. Try to be honest with yourself and keep a journal of both lies told and lies almost told but corrected. I would recommend doing this by yourself at first and involving your wife later when you’re better at it.
4. Practice not lying to other people too.
5. Read self-help books and do research on the internet. The more you know....
6. Write notes and initiate discussions about your progress and struggles with your wife. Maybe daily at first and then weekly
7. Don’t promise not to lie ever again. Life isn’t a fairytale. Promise to work on this issue and then show her with tangible actions how your are actually working on it.
She should also invest some time and research in how she can be a part of the solution and it the problem. When I fly off the handle every time my husband lies it makes him want to hide things in the future. I hate having to be nice in any way when I am lied to but do I want this to be fair or do i want to work on my marriage? I would not say I ever react with sunshine’s and rainbows but if he comes to me with a lie rather than me catching it I try to be civil and although angry about the lie, grateful for the eventual honesty, too.
B - boundaries - clear about my boundaries, clear about yours, and both are respected
R - reliability - 100% of the time you do what you say you are going to do
A - accountability - if I make mistake, owe it, apologise, and make amends
V - the Vault - what I share with you, you will hold in confidence, and vice versa. And it not just about our confidences, its about in our relationship you acknowledge confidentiality i.e., don’t share other peoples business, to build closeness by talking badly about other people
I - Integrity - I cannot trust you f you don’t act from a place of integrity, and you encourage me to do the same. Choosing courage over comfort. Choosing right over easy. Practicing your values, not just professing them.
N - Non judgement - I can fall apart, be in struggle and ask for help without being judged by me. Its really hard because we are better at helping others, than asking for help ourselves.
G - Generosity - our r’ship is only touting if you can assume the most generous things about my words, intentions, and behaviours and then check in with me. If I screw up, you will make a generous assumption.