Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
You know how there are days when you will have relapses and days where you will be able to skate by scott free. Well I am in the middle of this cycle. After successfully managing to not cheat on my spanish final. I used all my notes, flashcards, and past quizzes, while taking today's final. It is particularly sad, because while there is likely going to be no consequence unlike the Lab that I copied that caused me to join the group. I am left with an inner feeling of sadness of why I have to do it. I come from a wealthy family, my dad makes 6 figures and my step mom makes 4. My parents divorced in part because of my mother's flaws with money and my sister is nothing but a wreck with money. I saved up all the allowance I have and currently have around 5,000 in my own savings account, however, its crazy to think each year, that goes bye, some of my experience with either living with extreme success in the case of my father or extreme failure in the case of my mother has made me a bit neurotic. The whole reason I cheated on the test was to have a better chance of getting into a graduate school of medicine and have a stable income and support my mother who has been living off my father despite being divorced from him for 12 years. The point is while I in no way endorse my behavior, I want to be clear that it is not coming from a malice place, in the same way many of you who struggle with lying are good law abiding kind people, who struggle with self-worth like me and do it for some alternative purpose. Anyway stay safe, work hard, the struggle is real
Of course there are going to be slips and relapses - but you admitted to it and said it out-loud here. It's another step in recovery. I can relate to your action of cheating though - I've been through school 3 times for 3 different degrees - I cheated and lied my way through my to get ahead anyway I could - it worked sometimes and back-fired in others. Years ago when I did my BA it wasn't that hard to get away with the lying and cheating on exams or assignments. But it trickled into the job that I got right after - and it wasn't long that I tried it at work too - it worked for a while but I got caught once and the job was done. Decided ok was just one job- I'll go and get a master's it will cancel out the firing and I'll be fine - i was able to cheat and lie my way through that degree as well - not as easily but I did it - learned what I needed to off of everyone else's work - came out got an even better job - but the lying and cheating trickled in to my work assignments and boom lost another job. Finally I said OK done with this industry, went back got another master's in a different industry - Tried cheating and lying my way through - got caught 3 times because it's much easier now for professors to check and validate work - Almost got my degree revoked but I made it through. Now in my new job - and I'm fighting every single day not to lie about work or steal someone else's work. Because I've finally learned you WILL get caught whether very early on or much later on but it will happen. Fight it every day my friend -fight hard. Stay strong!
I'm with you from start to finish - my own issues are much more deep rooted than just the desire to get through degrees and move up the corporate ladder (As an aside - my original career and first 2 degrees were in healthcare - I was a quality and regulatory manager for multiple hospital systems, I managed the process of ensuring the quality of care that was delivered to patients and family members by physicians, nurses and leadership).
I have wanted to stop this for ages and have tried so many ways. I carry the guilt of what I've done from day one. As I sit here today - I think about the looks I got from my family when I got caught on lies. I remember the day and voices of when friends have said "I'm done with you". Those looks rip at my heart. Every day I wake up now my husband looks at me and tells me he loves me and I say it back. But any of the other statements I make I see the questioning in his eyes as to whether or not what I say is true.
It hurts - almost torture really.
Your therapist is correct - saying that feelings of good or bad are too simple - this is a much more complex intertwined issue. We all deal with this in different ways and each of our reasoning for why we do it is different. All I can say is that for me this group is a process and outlet to express feeling and thoughts and processes of dealing with this addiction. I am finally learning to use the pain that I have inside and knowledge of the pain that I caused others as fuel to make sure I don't do it again - but thats not to say its a perfect process, I slip but admit that I did it. But like you said no sense in beating that statement over and over. Stay strong!