Hello, my name is Matt, and I am a compulsive liar.  Today is 12-19-16, and I belive that I can say that I have been honest for 24 hours now. 

I got to go and see my kids yesterday.  And it was the best that I have felt in a long time.  I miss them so much, and not being able to see them everyday is really taking it's toll on me.  While being able to see them, and eat dinner with them, leaving them at night as it was almost time for them to go to bed, was extremely hard to do.  And I am not afraid to admit it, that I cried all the way back to where I am staying - which is sadly at my parents house.  I am 36 and living with my parents again.  If that isn't the bottom, I don't know what is.  And the only reason that I think it's the bottom is because I have a nice house just on the other side of town, where my 2 wonderful and beautful children are now sleeping, and I can't be there to tuck them in at night.  That the one and only love of my life doesn't want me in my own home, and has reservations about me even being alone with my children.

However, I know that I cannot blame her, and the only one that I can blame is the one person that is sitting here alone writing this.

My wife and I have been texting back and forth with question and answers, and it is extremely easy to revert back to my old habits and ways and try and lie my way through whatever questions that my wife needs to have answered.  I didn't even know that I was doing it.  Which is the really scary thing.  But my wife and I then had a voice to voice conversation over the phone, and it was easier to stay in the place of truth and honesty, and be the person that I know that I want to be.  Deep breathing and thinking to myself about being the person that I want to be does seem to help.  I really hate the answers that I am giving cause they are so deeply hurtful.  I hate knowing that I am doing this to my wife, over and over again.  She keeps telling me that she does appreciate the truths and honesty, but says that it does hurt.  Alot.  And that I broke her.  She was trying so desperately to be the glue that was holding our family together, and that she was trying to keep all the pieces that I was breaking in place.  But she couldn't do it.  Like a rubber band, it can only strech for so long before it breaks.

And even though I know that she is leaning towards divorce, I am still clinging on to that little bit of hope that I can fix this.  That I can make it right.  That I know that I can be the man that I want to be.  Because I want to be there for my kids.  I want to be able to tuck them in at night, and be there in the morning when they wake up.  That I can show the love of my life that she is still the love of my life and always will be.  Even if it does end up that I can't fix this - I know that I will always love her.

My name is Matt, and I am a compulsive liar - and I don't want to be anymore.