I wish I had an answer, I'm actually going through a similar situation and would like to hear others experiences. I am currently going through a process where I hope to regain the trust and forgiveness of my loved one. A two year relationship has been destroyed because of my lies. I wanted to be the perfect version of myself that doesn't exist, which lead to my lying. I came up with a suggestion that my boyfriend agreed to, a three month period where we are going to try to not contact each other. This will give me time to change and him time to heal. I don't know if this is going to work, but I believe it can because the both of us want to achieve the same goal: a happy and healthy relationship with each other. I would only suggest separation or breaks only if both parties are both equally willing to commit. Steps that I am taking to change include keeping a daily diary of my emotions and actions, I've stop drinking because a lot of my lying started while I was intoxicated, and doing a lot of reading books geared towards achieving inner peace. I think the most important step is determining why you lie. I've found the book Power vs. Force by David Hawkins to be very helpful. I'll keep updates to let you know how my situation turns out.

Wow ckoob. I feel the same way. I try to be a perfect version of myself and instead ended up causing more issues and more lies. I have betrayed someone's trust, love and loyalty all because I was trying to portray something or hide stuff about who I am because I'm ashamed that if they knew me for me, they wouldn't like me or judge me.

I have also started to read a lot myself. I used to read a lot before and have made it a mission now to start again and that helps to find inner peace, just like you have mentioned.

I will definitely check out the power vs. force book, maybe that will give me some guidance.

Stoplying1,
one big mistake you can make in trying to regain someone's true is to try to rush the situation. Remember the old saying, "it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it". To you, your lies having been uncovered makes you want to go into a mode of "ok, I'm caught, I'm embarrassed, can we just get over it, and move one". But to the person that was lied to, its a total feeling of disbelief when you wake up to the reality that your loved one has betrayed you relationship in such a way. It's devastating to find out that the person you've been so committed to has so easily lied to you, it destroys your sense of intuition cause then you start to question yourself and say to yourself "how could I have been such a fool?", and you even question if those "i love you" were ever true..
So many feeling rushing in due to the deception, how can you put a time frame on that?

My suggestion is be very, very, very patient...And if you truly want to regain that other person's trust, say sorry as many times as that other person needs to hear it, so that you can both get over this hurdle together.

hurtbylies - I've tried apologizing more than enough times. The person I lied to stated that my apologies mean nothing and to instead stop saying it. At that point, where does one go?

I found the title of this post interesting and timely. I've been working through addiction to lying in earnest over the past 7 months and I thought my wife and I had been making good progress. Then, out of the blue she felt vulnerable and said she felt 'unsafe' in the sense she couldn't trust me. To say I was surprised and hurt would be an understatement. After talking to someone in the program I was reminded to tell my wife that: I realize I'm the cause of her pain; that I was WRONG to have violated her trust; and to ask if there is anything I can do.

It hasn't corrected the situation, in fact I spent last evening in the guest room, but it is the only thing I can do - that, continue to work on not lying and trust in my Higher Power that we will both end-up where we need.

First off I'm new here and I am relieved to see that I'm not the only one going through a relationship problem, due to my addiction to be dishonest. I am currently going through a very stressful break up with a woman that has been in my life little more than a year. Right now were just waiting it out the best we can until she can hop on a plane and fly back to where she came from. Towards the end I tried for reconciliation and made lavish promises of "I'll change" and "please give it some time" and such. Nope, I have hurt this poor woman to the point that she's going back to her home state and moving back into her parents place, she don't like it, but she likes it better than staying with me.

From the start I made this believe that I was something I was not, just due to the fact that I was afraid that she wouldn't like me, or accept me, or want to be with me, so one lie, to hide or through dishonesty change who I was, lead to another, to another, and another and until I knew it or at least had a temporary moment of clarity to maybe realize what I've done, to see that damage and realize that it was over.

Right now I'm just trying that best I can to not create more problems for this person while she waits for the date that she can fly away, and never to return. I've some some people in here complaining about how people that they've done wrong with their lies, feeling hurt when the same people don't believe it when we say "I'm sorry", my now ex-fiancé doesn't believe it at all, nor does her family who I have hurt very much. After the Sh*t hit the fan, and some of my lies came to the light and were exposed, her family since has dropped me like a hot potato.

My own family is shocked and flabbergasted by what I've done, I've been told that by my family, because I'm a fricking liar, that I've robbed them of having any sort of continued relations with the my ex-fiancé, their just stunned and really don't know what to do with me.

Now that the pressure to lie of off of me, due to enough being brought to the light, I need not lie, what's the point, what I feared the most about people finding out about the real me has happened now, so why hide or lie about anything further. Now that the pressure to lie of over, I am now having a real problem living in my own skin, I'm just sitting back going W.T.F. have you done, you had this wonderful woman in your life and what do you have now, not her, she's out the door, once again I have put myself in a position, due to my addiction to be dishonest, I've put myself into a position again of being alone!

For the first time in my life I am going "public" with declaring to all that "I'm a liar", I'm lost, I really don't know what to do here, I know I should not lie but for what ever reason(s) I can't stop! With what little I have left in me, as far as knowing "right & wrong" when it comes to honesty, I am so hoping and want to change. I know what I have been doing for decades isn't really right, I've burned a lot of people along the way. It's to late to try and change and save my now destroyed current relationship, it to late for that. But I would like to change and maybe one of these days have another chance with someone else and maybe, just maybe, I would have changed enough to perhaps to be honest with them from the words "get go"! And not put others or myself through this situation again, that what I would like, but I'm so lost on how to make that happen. But I did feel that maybe for the first time I should at least go public and quit hiding the fact that I'm a born liar.

Just lost and confused, hurt and torn, scared and fearful, down and out, but so much hoping to change!

Aron,
You are not alone. I experienced the same thing - loosing a relationship after 32 years after "coming clean" about my lies.

BTR - I am so sorry to hear about your current status. I so hope that things get better for you.

-Larry

I am going through the same thing right now. I have come clean about some events that occurred in my childhood that I never had told anyone before. This is 3 years into my relationship and 2 years into the marriage. I have been a compulsive liar all my life but never truly accepted it until this weekend when my wife told me she cant trust me and doesn't love me anymore and is ready to go. I cant imagine my life without this wonderful woman, she has done everything to bless me and my life more than words can express, but I have destroyed it. With my selfishness, Gaining back trust is going to be a long process, if I even have that as an option. If you want to gain back the trust of those you have broken it with, and they are still willing to listen and be supportive then you've got it made. Because once its gone for some people, theres truly no hope of it ever returning.

I don't think you ever regain 100% of the trust from the person you lied to over the years. I have discovered this as I am challenged on a frequent basis. At first, I despised the challenges, but now understand its her way of going thru the recovery processes as well.