Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I never realized I had a problem until it started affecting my marriage about two years ago. I lie and/or hide and cover up mistakes I make to avoid facing consequences. I had an emotional affair about 10 years ago that I kept in until about two years ago when my husband began questioning me. He was aware back then and knew all along something wasn't right, but I figured since it was long over, we didn't need talk about it. When he began questioning me, I denied everything. I just wanted to sweep it under the rug and move on with our lives since it was so long ago and over. This has damaged us severely. Since then, I've lied about stupid things that I think he might get angry with me over. Yet, he is so blunt and honest with me even if what he is sharing hurts me! He believes I don't love or respect him because I lie to him.
Another example of how I've lied to family is when I borrowed my father's truck. I accidentally jack-knifed with my trailer and dented the rear panel. I secretly had it fixed and returned the truck to him instead of just telling him what I did. Months later it came out because he noticed the poor paint job.
These are just a few examples of my problem and I don't know what to do to get better. My husband is literally filing for a divorce any day and I feel like a failure. I wish I could just be raw and honest like he is and not care or worry about anything.
Welcome. I know what you are going through because I used to be the same exact way in my past relationship. It is one of the worst feelings in the world, having secrets and knowing your significant other may or may not know what you did. And they don't trust you or believe anything you say and you are the cause of the pain and issues.
I got through that situation because I ended up breaking up with him in the end. But, they way you and your husband's honesty levels are, was how my ex and I were.
So to start, if you really want your relationship and you are willing to commit and work hard for it and building trust, etc. You need to make a list of all the lies and secrets you have inside, write them down. Think of all of them, even the smallest lies or secrets and the details that go with it, including the things you done, write it down.
Second, make a time for you and your husband to sit down and have the "this is everything I've kept from you" talk. Use the list of all the lies and secrets you wrote. Do not keep any details hidden, no matter how painful and inappropriate it may be. I know its hard, but you can do it!!
Third, you need to mentally, emotionally and physically prepare yourself for the worst. I don't know the reaction you may get, but don't expect your husband to do anything that may seem as if all is forgiven. He is the one who has been lied to for years and probably is hurt by everything. Keep empathy for his doubt as he carries the hurt of deception (Mikeyrg quote). It may take a few weeks, or months for them to take it all in and go through their process of recovery.
Lastly, hopefully, you will feel better when you let all the truth out and not have anything kept inside to hide. And, start today by learning to not be afraid of the reactions or consequences you may get for lying. Learn to say, "fuck it" I'm just going to say the truth of what I did, or what happened and deal with the reactions or consequences right then and there.
Start reading books on vulnerability, loving yourself, being authentic with yourself. If you're religious, start praying more and educate yourself on how to not be afraid. Analyze yourself and your triggers right before you feel the urge or the need to lie. If you lie, correct yourself to that person right then and there, or tell them within 24 hours what the truth is. Start holding yourself accountable for what comes out your mouth, and educate yourself on changing your mindset to a more positive and honest living. Think about how you are feeling now whenever you feel you need to lie.
I totally understand what you are going through, and I got a little anxiety just mentally being in your shoes for a minute. But just know, you are not a bad person, you have a bad habit. If you really want to live an honest life, where your not worried about any lies or secrets because you have none and just said the facts right then and there. Then make this effort. I am still working on myself, but know that you are going through this for a reason and learn from this.
Please message me or comment on one of my Journals you need more advice. I'm in your corner, and I believe in you!