Admitted that I am powerless over lying, that my life had become unmanageable.

I lie to fit in. I lie because I don’t feel my truth is good enough. I lie because I feel that it would make me a more holy person. I lie because I want to be someone I’m not. I lie because I feel like it makes me a better Christian. I lie because my truth was never good enough in childhood, I was always expected to put others’ wants and needs above my own and the only way to do that for me was to be dishonest with myself about what those needs are. I lie because it’s easier and more second nature to me than facing my uncomfortable feelings. I lie because in some bull shit illogical way I feel like it’s saving people from pain. If I can be perfect, or at least look perfect, then they will never hurt because of me. I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of deceit. No one who lies to me protects me from pain, even if I don’t know about it they are editing negative energy into the universe. Yet somehow I still do it. And the more I lie, the harder it is to stop because then I have a bunch of bullshit to unravel. But I am committed to getting better, at least in this moment. I think I hit rock bottom, or at least some version of it. I’m confident that I could go further down if I let myself, but I can also go back up. Thank you for letting me share.