Hi pantsonfire!

First off I want to say Happy New Year! Finally got a chance to log into the site after some time off and catching up with work. Reading upon what you mentioned about how lying is selfish, I do see your point now. I guess I have never seen in that way. Which now makes me even think more and that's what it is all about :).

Speaking of work too, I have been told I need to be more assertive. Cause I do avoid conflict or try not to step on people's toes. Maybe assertiveness also has to do with my lying though at work I don't do it as much, but now I'm going to watch out for it.

Thanks again pantsareonfire, your insights have definitely helped out :)

hiddenrealm, something that has worked for me (though i still have a long way to go) is to just accept that no matter what you do, some people's feelings are going to get hurt. so you can just focus on telling the truth because that will go over better usually. it's like getting punched in the arm instead of in the gut. truth is better!

As Alex said, you cannot please everyone all the time. There will be conflict at times. You will never be able to avoid it completely, so it's better to get use to it.

I've noticed recently too, that one of the biggest issues I had was always trying to have an explanation for things I did wrong. Recently, if my wife has a go at me for something, or if she is nagging me because I forgot to do something, I've just learnt to accept it, and have not tried to give a reason.

Those justifications are the things that often lead me to lying or the arguments in which my wife would have thought I was lying. Saying that I was about to do it, or that I'd thought about it earlier, or that I meant this, or I said that before, etc is ambiguous, and whilst I was telling the truth sometimes, with my track record it lead my wife to not believe me.

This is hard, I'll admit, as defensiveness comes naturally to me, but it's what I have to do in order to regain that trust. Holding your breath is sometimes the best response you can give.

Hi Alexa,

Yea it is still very hard for me to admit to myself that no matter what people will end up getting hurt and its better to tell the truth. Especially since the two people who I lie to the most are the same two people I don't to hurt; aka my mother and my best friend. My mother will make me feel like shit either way if I don't do what she wants or gets what she wants. I'm trying hard to stop it now, but it is still hard. My best friend, is the one I've lied to the most since I always felt she was judging me all the time because of the way she would say certain things or I would like cause I didn't want her to get mad.

Now recently, she asked for my opinion on a money issue and said she felt I was judging her. I stood my ground and told her, you wanted an honest opinion so I'm giving it to you. She got upset and hung up in my face, but I kept telling myself that I had done nothing wrong, because I told her my opinion on the matter. Eventually she called back, but I felt that was a huge step for me, because before I would have just lied to her.

Hi Pantsonfire,

Like I mentioned to Alexa, my pleasing involves my best friend and mother which is what gets me in trouble. My biggest goal this year is to work on that. To not feel guilty since guilt then causes me to lie so that I don't have to deal with consequences or to make people happy. It's harder to do that with my mother, but I'm just going to have to for my own sake.

I completely agree about the justifications because I do feel the more I justify the more we continue to lie. Now, even when people do question if I'm lying or not. I just tell them I'm not and if they keep saying they don't believe me, I tell them that's on them not on me. Because I know I haven't lied. Small steps, but I'm trying to get there.

Yea and defensiveness comes easy for me too. I always feel I have to defend myself. It's just comes natural to me. So I completely understand.

I had to use humor and blatant honesty. For example, my boss would ask if I could work overtime, and I'd lie and say, "I can't," and make up some needlessly intricate bullshit excuse, and as soon as it registered, I'd say "nah, I made that up, because really, I just don't want to work overtime." Doing that forced me into sine very uncomfortable situations, but then I learned to make it humorous before just (finally) getting to the point where I didn't lie anymore in the first place.

i am incredibly defensive, guilt-trippable, and selfish as well -- so i feel you hiddenrealm! ps call me alex

Well done Solitary. I've found that I've caught myself out lately too sometimes. I'll begin to answer, then catch myself and change what I am saying. I did once answer "yes", then straight away changed that to "hang on I better check, I can't remember"

It eventually becomes easier.

Hi Solitary,

Great job. I bet it wasn't easy, but I never thought about using humor. Now that you mention it, there are situations that can use humor in a positive way.

Hi Alex,

Finally someone who understands :). It's still a struggle but now I've become more honest. When people do get upset at me when I'm giving my honest opinion I do remind them that that's what they wanted. I definitely have noticed an improvement in my lying and stick to what I have to say when it comes to it. Day by day, but the guilty part is still the hardest!!!

Hi pants,

That's how it started with me. I had to catch myself, now I have noticed that i have been doing a better job at it or taking a step back. Still working on it, but i don't feel as lost as i was before.

Hello all!

It's been entirely too long since I've been on this site. Frankly, I just haven't taken the time, and I've fallen into some old lying ways. Mostly lies about small things, but any lie is a serious one. Thank you to pants, alex, hiddenrealm and solitary for your comments. They are incredibly helpful. Reading your contributions has both given me the renewed commitment to come to this site on a daily basis and shown me that the motivation for my lies are selfish. I've never truly looked at them that way before. I had always thought about wanting to spare someone's feelings or not rock the boat, but in reality, I was sparing my own feelings and pride by not being truthful. Thank you for helping me see that so much more clearly.

With renewed commitment to honesty, I will soldier on...

I am new to this site. I also have a problem with confrontation. I guess I'll do anything to avoid it. However, like one post above, lying only leads to a bigger confrontation on the end. I like the advice about not speaking right away. Stop and think about your answer.