Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I have been a liar for my entire life. I am 37, and my lies have almost destroyed my marriage, and I know I have to change or I will destroy my marriage. I have two young children and don't want them to learn to do the same things I am doing. I have also lied to my mom and dad, and have hurt them tremendously through my dishonesty.
I lie primarily to avoid confrontation. I want to be agreeable, want to be liked and loved, and I hide the truth because I think it will make me unlovable. My husband has asked over and over again for me to be honest, that nothing will be too hard for him to take if it's the truth. I have been better about telling the truth, but still lie sometimes.
I need help, so I've turned to this support group to seek out help and support. I want to be different so badly, but know I can't do it alone. Thank you in advance to each and every one of you who have walked a similar path and have taken the brave step toward change. I welcome any and all advice.
I lie primarily to avoid confrontation. I want to be agreeable, want to be liked and loved, and I hide the truth because I think it will make me unlovable. My husband has asked over and over again for me to be honest, that nothing will be too hard for him to take if it's the truth. I have been better about telling the truth, but still lie sometimes.
I need help, so I've turned to this support group to seek out help and support. I want to be different so badly, but know I can't do it alone. Thank you in advance to each and every one of you who have walked a similar path and have taken the brave step toward change. I welcome any and all advice.
i am like you - i lie to avoid confrontation, among other reasons. the best advice i can give you is to take it one day at a time; its what is working for me. you need to build the self control and get used to accepting that confrontation is necessary and healthy. there's a saying, " a fool at forty is a fool forever". so tabby, it's time to really get it together.
when i say take it one day a time, i mean wake up in the morning, remind yourself that you are a liar, accept it, forgive yourself, and stay focused throughout the day on your lies. try not to lie to anyone, but especially not your partner. hold yourself accountable in some way, on this site if you like. when you mess up, confess about it; we wont judge you here if you need a safe place. there is something broken in you but it can be fixed, and you need to understand that your partner will accept you more and respect you more if you tell him the (sometimes) painful truth. and he needs to accept that this is an addiction and bad habit you WANT to break, but you need his help in being a little understanding while you change this habit. dont take advantage of his understanding, but hes your partner, he should be a safe place for you to show him your true colors without fear.
being CONSISTENT is the most important thing here. day1, day 2, day three...don't give up or lose focus. this will take work if you are committed.
i wish you the best of luck, and hope you post here often with what you are going through because it is good for you.
I don't have the answers, but I'm glad I'm not alone. I am turning 29 on Sunday and I have just lied to my friend who has told me numerous times that if I lie it will be over. I agree with you as well. I lie so that I avoid confrontation and want to be well liked. I think that's where the problems arise.
I do feel that sometimes people don't understand that confrontations are draining. At least in my part, I rather lie to avoid them cause it takes so much out of me. That doesn't excuse it, but that's how my mind work.
Anyway, I do feel alone in all of this. I wish I had more of a support system myself. :(
As Alex said confrontation gets easier when you conquer your fear of it. Take time when answering. realize the irony of answering a lie, will only lead to more confrontation if you get caught.
Let go of the selfishness of not hurting someone as they will only be more hurt if you lie to them.
These are the things you need to remind yourself of every day, every hour in order to conquer that fear.
Good luck.
I hope you had a Merry Christmas. I'm glad to know that there are people who also have the fear of avoiding confrontation. It is hard to explain to people who think its just so much easier to tell the truth. Sometimes it seems like people don't want to see it from our perspective.
I also plan to be more involved in the site. It's the only way I can talk about how I feel and truly express why I lie.
Thank you for responding and I hope you have a Happy New Year!
I have started to notice that I blurt out whatever comes to mind to avoid the problem and then that's what gets me in trouble since that's when the lie occurs. I'm so used to it that it is hard for me to take a step back and take the time to answer. That's one of the things I want to practice especially with the person that I continuously lie to. I guess taking a breath or not opening my mouth right away might be a start :/.
I also agree with the whole selfish/selfishness concept. I'm always worried about everyone that I put myself last. For me lying is also tied in with saying NO. I have such a hard time because I don't want to let down the people I care about down.
One of my resolutions for the new year is to take care of myself and say no to people. This will be hard since I have this guilt. Whether it comes from my mother not getting her way or helping a friend out in every aspect, I still feel like im letting people down.
It's going to be hard, but I don't have a choice at this point anymore but change the person I have been all these years. I can only pray to God and hope for the support to guide me through this.
The most ironic thing with lying is that you never want to hurt someone, yet they always end up getting hurt more because of the lie. The same irony can be said about putting yourself last, something I always boasted that I did, yet the truth is that that's not actually the case. I was putting myself first and lying not to hurt someone, because that's what I wanted.
My wife has been on at me for 6 years re this, I've sought help from a psychologist and yet it's only from reading things on here and listening to things on youtube linked from on here, that I realize where I am going wrong.... My wife truly doesn't believe it can work, as you can imagine, and who really can blame her.
we all owe it to yourselves to be honest and truthful to ourselves and others, even if it hurts to do so the truth will set you free.
I've been told that I put myself first, but I don't even feel it. I feel I'm always worried about everyone, pleasing everyone that I never have a chance to breathe or be on my own. That's why when people tell me I do put myself first I get mad. Why? Because the lie is to stop the confrontation between that person and me. So it bothers me even more.
It does suck that your wife doesn't believe, but do you? I think at this point, its about bettering yourself before bettering the situation with your wife, because it appears that she doesn't want to help you anymore? Unless I'm wrong??
Thanks for the support. I just have to keep going, though my fear sometimes takes over. I will see how this weekend goes with the particular person I keep lying to. I guess I will just breathe, remember you guys before I say anything so that I'm truthful.
Have a happy new year!
I do believe. That's the difference I have now. Coming on here everyday, reading up on information from links on here, listening to Youtube video's about ridding myself of trauma's I had perhaps as a child, or neglect, or improving my communication will all help me overcome this addiction of lying and to be truthful. My wife has had enough, she has heard me say things many times, she just needs to see me do it.
The funny thing is that liars do put themselves first, they often will protect their own ego before protecting someone else's. As I said the irony in this is that is more hurtful to tell the truth in the first place. That's where the ego is. It's actually quite arrogant when you think about it.
An example of this is - I'm a Manager at my work, and I hate dealing with a situation because of the confrontation, but I need to learn to be more assertive, and not afraid of confrontation, then the chance of lying will reduce as well. The arrogance in this, is that I'd rather try and downplay the incident and avoid it to avoid the conflict, thus thinking of myself first, rather than being constructive and dealing with the situation, thus putting the other person first whether they like it or not.
The more you let the fact that you do put yourself first probably more than you think, the harder it will be for you to get over this.
Good luck, you can do it.