Liars Anonymous Community Group
A support group to provide those with a compulsive addiction to lie a place to share hope, strength and courage with others like them; solve our common problem and help others with a compulsion to lie. We aren't alone!
I'm at my wits end of being married to a liar and need some advice please.
I have known my husband for nearly 30 years but have only been with him for 8 and married for nearly two years. He was a liar and cheated on his first wife, ( I knew him and hios wife then)and has been having counselling for the last few years about his lying. I am a therapist myself and can tell when he is lying to me, he knows that trust to me is the most important aspect of any relationship but can't stop his lies.
We are very much in love and have a really good relationship apart from this, he doesn't lie about massive issues mainly things that he feels might upset me. This is ridiculous I have have always told him the thing that will make me most upset and really angry are his lies.
I keep giving him one last chance each time this happens and he seems to be a bit more truthful for a while but then starts lying again.
He knows he's destryoing our marriage so can someone please tell me why he keeps doing this?
I have posted a few times on here so you may find reading them useful? The best advice I can give you is to be 100% clear with your husband that you want to support him and that you love him . He needs to feel secure enough to break his cycle of lying. It's his defence mechanism and his comfort blanket so it will be really hard. He probably needs to trust you more than he's trusted anyone in his life. There will be things that he probably fears being known about himself and that's a scary place to be.
My wife and I have established a process by which, with her support, I can police myself. There are 3 levels of the process 1. Ideally don't have anything to lie about. Deal with things openly and honestly and with full disclosure. 2. Think about my responses before making them, as at times lying is instinctive so I have to build a 'pause' into my thought process. This isn't always easy, especially when it's linked to issues about which I've lied historically. 3. If i slip up, which I do, admit it, own it and move on. For her part she tries to not get angry if I slip up. We've found that dealing with things calmly helps us to communicate more clearly and that helps both of us.
I hope this helps. He's lucky to have someone who loves him enough to want to help. Just make sure he knows that (it will need frequent reinforcement). There may be things in his past that he struggles to even acknowledge himself liars often lie to themselves first as it validates why they're doing it... i.e. I'm keeping her safe/I don't want her to worry/she'll think less of me if she knows this etc) . I'd buried mine deep and struggled to admit my problem. Admitting you're a liar is extremely hard for anyone, especially if you're petrified of shame, as many liars are. He may need to engage with a counsellor. It has certainly helped me understand where my lying comes from. That doesn't fix it, but it does help me to see why I do it and so helps me to try and beat it. Best of luck to you both.
You seem far more remorseful to your wife and knowledgable about why you lie than my husband does, He shows very little remorse to me and when he does I feel as if it's not genuine and he always ends up lying to me again when he says he wont.
I have tried being loving and supportive about his issue but that hasn't worked and over the last few years have become very angry with him which is totally ruining our marriage. I agree I think it comes from years back for him but he just won't try and find out. As you're in the UK would it be ok to email each other rather than use this forum?
Totally understand if you're not comfortable with that.
How long have you being lying to your wife and has it included cheating on her? I sometimes feel as if I'm losing my mind with his lies.
I was unfaithful to my first wife. It was an unhealthy relationship, but that's no excuse for my behaviour. Despite our differences I deeply regret my infidelity and swore to myself I'd never be that person again.and I've kept to it Having lived through losing everything that was the easiest decision to make. Talking about my lying was and still is the hardest one .
Your husband has to want to change. It took literally losing everything for me to want and need that Lying becomes habitual. It's a way of dealing with things we're too afraid or ashamed of to face. For me it was the fear of appearing imperfect. I'd spent my whole life living up to the expectations of others and that was always going to be a recipe for disaster as they all had high expectations!.
I'm an intelligent guy but I was blind to what I was doing. I struggle every day with the knowledge of the pain my lying has caused, both directly and indirectly, to those I love
I hope your husband can find it in himself to face his fears and his lying. In truth it's him that needs to be on this forum. There is safety in anonymity, which is why I feel it's best to communicate on here rather than by email. I hope you understand why that's the case .
I'm coming to terms with my own issues and if that can help others understand the problem or find the strength to do deal with their own lying then that goes some way towards something good coming out of the pain I've caused. I hope that makes sense?
I don't see how he can have any respect for me at all as he can now see that his behavior is having an effect on my physical and mental health but he shows no remorse or concern about this.
I can't imagine he would be strong enough to join this forum he isn't the man I thought I was marrying as he pretended to me that he had stopped his lies, which was another lie in itself. I really hope that you both manage to succeed in your behaviour, as I don't believe my husband can.