I know I'm a liar, and I've lied as far back as I can remember. I've lost friends, got into trouble at work, family mad at me, and even lost relationships over the years because of this. What finally made me really truly realize how bad it was, is that I had just lost the one woman that I thought was my soul mate, she even said to me several times that she felt we were. We have so much in common even down to little minute details. It is really unbelievable. We've had our issues like all couples do, but one issue that she finally gave up on was my lying. I know she put up with it alot from me, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop. I lied to her about my past relationships and bad decisions that I made. Many things I wasn't proud of. I lied about people that I had been with. I've lied about flirting with other girls even though it was harmless. I lied to her about running into my ex several times around town and talking to her or even running into my ex's father and talking to him. Just so many stupid things that seriously probably weren't a big deal if I had told her the truth. After a long period of time stuff slowely came out whether me telling her bits and pieces or her finding out anyways.

But the worst thing was probably confiding in another female about our relationship problems. I didn't seek this other female out, she was new at my workplace and she came up to me one day and said that she noticed that I had seem like something was bothering me for the past week, and at first I didn't want to talk about it, but she was persistent and said it helps to talk about things. So I started talking to her, but then I started hanging out with her during lunch breaks and talking to her about issues, and just talking as friends. We went and grabbed a bit to eat twice, and even left the store parking lot just to get away from work. I know it looks bad. This went on for about a month and then she confessed she liked me from the very first time she saw me, and told me that I should break up with my gf and be with her. I told her that I couldn't because I do love my gf and that I saw her as a friend. She asked once if I thought there could ever be a me and her, and I said someday under different circumstancee (I actually never intended on it anyways, I lied because I appreciated talking to her and didn't want to lose that). I shouldn't have said that, it was a huge mistake. We did hug a few times, dumb I know. The girl kept pushing and getting really annoying and crazy. One day my gf came into my work and was shopping and this friend treated her like crap as if she hated her. So my gf knew something was up. I told her that this girl likes me and is being kind of crazy, and that I don't really talk to her. When I should have told her about it, but I didn't. I tried to pass it off that I had nothing to do with it. Needless to say I told this friend that me and her needed to talk. So when we had a chance to talk I told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore and the whole thing was wrong, so she then put her hand on my crotch and tried to kiss me. I turned my head before and I was mad at her. I walked away and the next day I went to lunch and she followed me down the road, while I was walking and she flipped out on me. She yelled at me that she was going to find my girlfriend online and tell her that we did a bunch of stuff. So I looked at her and said honestly I never thought you were this type of person that would consider me a friend and want to be with me, just to act like this. Later that night she wrote to my girlfriend, and basically told her off and said that me and her were best friends. So it was a mess. I fessed up to some of it, but not all of it. So she broke up with me. We talked then got back together and I still never told her the rest of it.

We broke up a couple more times because of my lying, but then we got back together again, and decided to get an apartment together. She said she'd give me a clean slate, because this showed her that I was definitely serious about being with her and her daughter. First time I have ever moved out, came close a couple times in the past but it never happend. I was scared to death, every waking hour I was going crazy. I was so worried that I was going to disappoint her or she'd just end up rejecting me anyways, while I was living with erm. I was also worried about finances too. It got to the point where I don't know what happend, but it was crippling me, I just lost it and left. A month later we got back together and I was started staying with her, things were great for a while, but I started lying again, I can't help it. She broke up with me again just after thanksgiving. She told me no matter what she thinks that I'm still hiding things, and she was right I hadn't told her about me telling that girl that there could be a chance someday (even though there wasn't) and I hadn't told her about that girl putting her hand on my crotch and trying to kiss me or the hugs. Three weeks later, which was a week before this recent christmas we got back together, she said to me you really are the best guy I've ever known, other then lying you've treated me the best and my daughter the best. So things were beyond great they were amazing until christmas night. She asked me if there was anything else I wanted to tell her and that she'd give me a chance to come clean. So I told her about the last three things I hadn't told her about, because I wanted to do the right thing. I guess it was too much for her and I don't blame her. So when I finally realized what I had really done and how bad it was. I wanted to make it right, and it ended up blowing up in my face. I honestly thought that she would forgive me and we could have moved on together. It was alot of stuff I know, and I finally wanted to do the right thing.

So I really want to fix myself for ME. I also hope as a positive from it, she will maybe want to give things another shot as well. I've talked to her a little bit about things afterwords and she said that its just been so many lies about so much stuff that she doesn't know what to believe anymore or if I'm genuine in trying to get help and fix myself. She also said that she'd never know that I was ever telling the truth down the road or if I'd always be hiding something. I do understand what she's saying. I did this to her.

So I have been joining websites, posting on forums, trying to talk about it as much as I can with family, friends, and trying to learn and understand what's wrong with me until I came to this website and read about Billi Caine's post. Now I completely understand and it makes total sense. I don't lie to make myself look better or glorify myself, I don't story tell, at least I dont think so. I lie to avoid rejection, disappointment, fearing that others wouldn't want anything to do with me. I'd lie so the truth wouldn't hurt or upset others. I'd lie to avoid feeling shitty about my past stuff or stupid mistake that I had made along the way that was current. I'm just tired of it, and I dont' want to be that person anymore. I know I have low self-esteem and I never feel like I'm worth it.

I am trying to find a counselor/therapist/psychologist that specializes in lying and friendships/relationships. I honestly don't know what to look for. I am doing this for ME, because I'm tired about living in this shadow of myself. Not only do I hurt others I hurt myself from lying. I have contacted a therapist that specializes in relationships, but I dont know about the lying aspect. Can someone please help me so I don't waste money seeing someone that won't really understand or help with my lying. The sooner the better because she is suppose to be letting me know in a couple days when the appointment will be. So please hurry.

I decided to do this questionaire.

ARE YOU A LYING ADDICT?

If you suspect you are a lying addict, the following self assessment questions will help you determine whether you are or not…

1. Is your life out of control because of your lying? YES
2. Is your mind obsessed with your lies or lying? YES
3. Do you lie every day? YES
4. Do you fail to do what is important and normally expected of you because of your lying? YES
5. Do you risk aspects of your personal safety and the safety of your loved ones in order to lie? YES
6. Are you in danger of losing loved ones because of your lying? YES
7. Does your body crave the experience associated with lying so strongly that you feel you have to lie? YES
8. Have you ever decided to stop lying and lasted only a couple of days? YES
9. Do you ever wish people would mind their own business about your lying and stop telling you what to do? YES
10. Have you had problems in the last year because of your lying? YES
11. Has your lying caused you problems at home? YES
12. Will you lose your support system if you tell people about the lies you have told them? YES
13. Do you tell yourself you can stop lying any time you want even though you keep lying when you don’t mean to? YES
14. Have you ever felt like your life would be better if you didn’t lie? YES