Hello, everyone.

I've never joined any sort of group like this before, so this will be my very first venture into a support group setting. My pride has begrudgingly taken a backseat as I admit that I have a serious problem with lying. Even writing all of this is a struggle because I don't like being wrong, but wrong I have been.

After a lot of soul-searching, this is something that stemmed from when I was a kid and feeling like I had to protect myself from embarrassment, shame, or people thinking that I was stupid or wrong (hence why this post is so hard for me to make right now). I share the same old story as a lot of people: an older sibling that nearly everyone liked more and was more successful than I was at the time. Self esteem issues followed closely, so doing some fibbing to make myself look better than what I thought other people saw me as seemed like the right answer back then. Instead of being white lies, they now have almost completely drowned me at this point. If someone asks me to do something, I will say that I am capable even though I know deep down that it may be a task that's beyond my ability or I know I won't do it right. I end up feeling like if I don't do something right and play "dumb", then people can't rely on me, therefore I can never fail them. It's a defense mechanism that I've had for years. Just as long as I am still liked and nobody is going to leave me, I didn't care.

Right now I am being faced with the possibility that someone might leave me. These lies upon lies have eroded my marriage with someone that I truly do love more than anyone else. It is possible that we have reached the end of things because of me. Hearing your spouse repeatedly ask you why you apparently don't love them when you know that you do is a hell that I cannot begin to describe. I feel like I do a lot to show it but then we fight and I rexamine things only to find out that the "work" I've done is purely just internally stressing out while I am too afraid to move. We're still together but only in the barest sense and it feels like I am on borrowed time every day. I am at a loss for what would show them that I love them and that I still want that life together and have them believe me. We've been together going on 8 years in November, and just hit our two-year wedding anniversary in March. I have wasted almost an entire decade on this. I am sick of it and want to do something about it. Motivation is a really hard one for me right now because I am horribly depressed and ashamed over this. My spouse is more hurt than I have ever seen them and can't offer me much in the way of support as a result. I would be feeling the same way if I were them.

And it all started the same way as in my childhood: there was this person that just totally wow'ed me and I really wanted them to continue to like me the way that they did, so I ended up telling some white lies to make myself look better. Nothing like rewriting my history, just saying that I knew about a subject when I really didn't so I could impress them. Then I was lying by omission about my home life as a kid (mentally and verbally abusive father, homeschooled and sheltered to the maximum, never even been on a date before them, etc.). It was so bad back then that I didn't know that night terrors were not a normal occurrence for people and the first time they knew about them was one of the first times I stayed over at their place and they experienced it firsthand. I hadn't meant to harm but that moment is something that still gets brought up sometimes. It all just snowballed from what seemed to be harmless fibs to everything coming down around me and being unable to catch it.

All the while blaming all of my issues on my childhood and acting like the victim. "Why can't you understand?", "Don't you know how hard this is for me?", said it all over and over before. I keep deflecting and deflecting anything bad that comes my way because I don't want to face the fact that I am capable of mistakes or that I am capable of hurting someone. I have more or less turned into the bad things that my poor self-esteem told me that I was. I'm not fun to be around anymore. Not to my spouse, and I'm pretty sure that's bled over to my friendships.

I don't entirely know what I'm looking for here. I don't know if it's advice or just people to hear me out and understand but I am absolutely not okay right now. I don't even know what I would do if this person was out of my life, especially if it was majorly because of what I've done. they truly are one of a kind. They've supported me in my hobbies, my academic career, my life choice, and they have done nothing but been pretty great to me. Yeah, they have their flaws like everyone else and can do things that annoy the hell out of me, but it's never been anything to make me act this way. I don't know how to get out of this rut. I just want them to stay. They're the only reason I'm even making this post. I have a history of struggling with when I'm wrong and feeling the need to be right all the time so this is my admission: I have been cruel and wrong, and I am sorry. It might be too late for them and if it is, I have to live with that and understand that they tried their best with me. I can't be angry at them for loving me and trying to get me to see that there was more to me than my issues. I will be angry at myself for not seeing that as good enough and ignoring everything they tried to do for me. If they really can't do any more of this, I would still like to be better all the same.

I've always felt like a bad guy for an unspecified reason due to my anxiety and self-esteem issues but to know for certain is... It is humiliating and devastating. It is terrifying. I might have ruined a pretty solid friendship and the potential of life without them is terrible. I am afraid that I won't be ble to change, but I guess I have to have hope.

If anyone's taken the time to read this novel of an introductory post, thank you. I'm sure you'll be seeing me post more.