Why don't you call me, let me talk with you. I recently came out a while back. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay and it is not a "disappointment" it, is who you are. Let me help you, I will send you a message with my cell number. Please text me back with your name and that you're from Daily Strength and I will make it a point to get back with you ASAP. I know your struggling and I genuinely want to help you. I care about all my members and would be very glad to talk with you about it. You are not going to hell, I promise you that. Hugs, William. Lots Of HUGS = ) I've been down this road, it's a scary one, but it's only a moment of your life, this will all pass. I was scared to come out too, but I did and my life has improved greatly since.

William. = )

I would be happy to help. Send me a message and we can talk! :)

If you cannot be true to yourself, you cannot be true at all. You did not choose to be who you are, but you can choose to make the best of it. I cannot tell you to come out to your family. Only you can weigh the costs of such an action. I do know, though, that self aversion only ends up one way. So, please, do not hate yourself. It is not good for living things. Human beings seem to be the only animals or entities capable of self hate.

Reaching out is a very positive action. Please keep reaching out.

There is nothing wrong with being GAY. Unfortunately many see otherwise, either because of ignorance or because of teachings on the issue of being GAY they ascribed to for whatever reason. In the case of Born Again Christians( I used to be that) some are out of sync with their doctrines , in regards to being GLBT. The horrors that pursue from their lips is astonishing. But those who condemn are by no means perfect. Some of them do horrible things that make being GLBT look like hetrosexual Mickey Mouse. In the end though it looks like you are looking for conditional love you can't get. Conditional love is gained by being hetrosexual, having the right body measurments, having interests in unhealthy stuff and the list is inexhaustive. But there is that which is called UNCONDITIONAL love where you are loved as you are. That is theb real form of love in my eyes. Conditional love is a poor imitation of the real thing. You have gone through a fair bit with your abovementionned suicide etcetra. You need understanding people to talk to. Find them and talk to them. I have not much where family is concerned myself. That is OK with me. I can be more myself and permit me to be around those who make me feel good even if family doesn't like them. I have the better chance of taking care of ME. In regards to one family member who was formerly homophbic I've learned that convictions and feelings are pretty neat things until the oppossed show up right in front of the person. That uncle and I get on great today because I showed up right in front of him as one he oppossed. recently I mentionned thinking of going to a GLBT Church. He had no issues with that at all. Just writing and trying to dispell a myth that everything is engraved in stone. Find people to talk to who accept you as you are.
In fairness to your grandma, she accepted your male friend who was GAY and is dead. She just might accept you the same way. She might have been concerned because you were not hiding your GAY written interractions from anybody. Maybe a very small sign that you have less to worry about from your family than you may think

It is a scary road when we are in denial and are yet to come out. I was freaking out when I came out and to my surprise 99% of the people I love accepted and gave me support. I am happy now. Never been happier. I am openly gay. I have had a respectful behavior and folks respect me for that. Message me if you need help.

Awesome replies from William and the awesome friends here.

Never feel alone.

andy :)