i looked up social anxiety and it turns out to be pretty much what i thought.
paraphrased as emotional aprehension about social situations and being scrutinized by others.
oddly enough it has pretty much eliminated what bits of it i did have before.
for several years though it really did cause social anxiety for me.
then, one day, i know this sounds like smoke but it really did change just that fast.
i was in town...had been workin.
the day had gotten awful to the point where each step forward through the day was agony plus.

no room for anything else. i was in a store at the time......one stop on the way home.
just couldn't carry on.
people all around.......i had been doin the whole"just get through this, watch your groanin and your twitchin, focus..........you'll be outta here in a minute" thing yaknow?
couldn't do it.
i tried SO HARD........and just............couldn't ...........do it.
so i gave up.
right there.
said"fuckit" and just laid down on the floor.
part of my mind was shriekin at me ....you know"what are you doing?! what's everybody gonna think?!"
and another part of my mind......just didn't care anymore.
i had done ......as i always do......my very very best. my answering mind said"yaknow?.....i have put forth more effort just gettin in here than most of theses people will expend in two days. i've done my best...i truly have. can't do no more. if folks can't handle that.............fuck em" and i closed my eyes.
since then.........that attitude has stuck.
i do my best not to hold people up.
i stay physically out of everyone's way as much as i can.
when i have to surrender to gravity......i lay up out of traffic.
years now this has been and here's what i've found.
LOTS of people..............care.
lots don't
some are downright rude and snotty.
those are little people.
small minds small hearts.
and usually pretty chicken about gettin close......so they don't hang around.
they are easily forgotten.
i can't bring up hardly a face to go with the attitude of all those folks i've run into over the years.
BUT...........there are some truly special persons walkin around out there.
i experienced both in one store awhile back.
same story: roughass day......tod got no business tryin to shop but little choice.
just into produce and tod goes down.
not a fall.........more of an uncontrolled descent to a resting position on the floor up against the onion bin.
i was REALLY hurtin.............so when the completely healthy adult male swaggered on by with his best sneers on display.......by the time he had passed, with not only no offer of any kindness but was TURNIN ROUND over his shoulder to make sure i knew of his distaste i got some barky with him.
didn't mean to just snapped a little and gave him a little speech. he didn't want to hear it........left.
bout half hour later i had made it to the other side of the store.
in the soup aisle. it was so bad by now i was sweatin and shakin and growlin to myself. actually WAS lookin pretty dodgey by then......not just freshly collpsed like my friend at the onion bin saw me . NOW i was lookin AWFUL.
nobody in that aisle but me.......and one small, petite little lady. she watched me a bit......then.....asked me was i okay. ....i said i'd make it and thankyou then asked her if she wouldn't mind reachin me down some soup because my arms were'nt goin that high.
she did that for me.....with a kind smile and no fear or revulsion showin at all.
i got kinda rambley here and am probly off topic by now but my point is........since my "fuckit epiphany"
i've had both those reactions and lots in between many times.
the only thing ever hurt on me was my pride.
and , at the risk of soundin cliche, my faith in humanity has gotten a nice boost.
when i was healthy and way more anonamous in public than i am now........i just kinda breezed by humanity in general as it brezzed by me.
now that i don't breeze ANYWHERE and i stick out like the proverbial thunmb.......i've had opportunity to experience the kindness travelin round in the hearts of many folks on the breeze.
i never really thought about it before.
now.............makes me proud of my species.
thanks for this here question Shoes......really got me thinkin.
and Jc.....thanks to you as well for bringin it over here.
i would not have seen this on the big board.
PEACE
t

Thanks, T..for your great reply.

My problem is not a fear of peoples judgements..
I mostly got too old for that years ago..:-)
My problem is that I have isolated so much..even within my own home..
That I've kinda lost the ability to ..just have a conversation..sometimes.
( anyone know what I mean?)

That, and..between sudden pain, meds, and some cognitive disfunction..
I some times can't FOLLOW a conversation.

Fortunately..
My contacts right now are limited to family and folks from here..
Who " get it" when I say.."I have to stop talking NOW".

Also..I have really only left the house for Dr appointments for the last ..almost four years.
I'm starting to feel more able to, in small bits.
But..everything feels foreign to me.

I know this will all sound weird to some.
But..some will know what I mean.

I'm glad you brought this up, Shoes.
( BTW, T..it was on another thread here..but unrelated..so,
I wanted to be sure we saw it.

It's so nice to have you back, Big dog.

Hugs, all..jc

Thanks Shoes for bringing this up. Also thank you Todd and JC as i can relate to your situations.

Although Todd I must say I have not seen much of the good side of people here, maybe they think everybody has got it rough so they show much compassion for a guy who limps and winces as he moves.

JC I had only been a hermit for a few years but i know how you feel going out into the big wide world.... It's like i forgot how to play that game.

For me now, even though I have come a long way from being in everyone's way in the grocery store or pharmacy when i did go, I still feel out of place or maybe I'm paranoid that people are looking down at me. I don't have new truck or car or even new clothes I simply can't afford them and i never feel like I'm looking my best.
I have always treated people like i would like to be treated but I am more in tune these days looking out to help those that are in a hurting way. I've always tried to help out with those 2000 pound doors for the elderly and disabled or take a shopping cart to the coral for Mom with little ones so they can focus on getting the babies in the car.
But i notice day in and day out so many people just hurrying and just not caring about their neighbors anymore. No empathy for folks with disabilities or handicaps not even manners these days. Very few guys open doors for ladies anymore or hell even take their caps off when entering a persons home.
I know this recession has everyone in a pinch but a good deed costs one nothing but a few moments of their life. Heck it might make some one smile or even utter a thank you.

Back to being cut down in our prime. I still have this feelin' of being worthless and I can't seem to shake it. I just don't want to accept that i'm not who i was before pain and end of life as i knew it.

I hope i don't offend anyone with my ramblings I mean no offense or to include anyone but myself in my feelings and self worth.

You all are so wonderful and gracious people whom I wish some day to have the honor of meeting each and every one of you .
Hugs.

I know exactly whatcha all mean. One experience I had recently was when I went in the store to pick up my meds and a couple of bottles of soda. Meds, retrieved, no problems. Soda, one bottle retrieved, the second bottle was on the top shelf. Couldn't reach the damn thing....tried poking it with my cane but just knew if I kept that up the damned bottle would come down.......on my head. During my brief, very brief bottle poking, I was passed by no less than 4 people who noticed but 'pretended not to see' that I was struggling. :-(

As I was about leave one short, one of the four turned back to help. I thanked them profusely but did wonder why they walked by....only to come back. What about me 'appeared' that I wasn't deserving of help, what about me cause trepidation from the others that just passed me by.

I do limit my outings to doctors or immediate family. Most of my time is spent alone. Even though I'm not alone at home, I still isolate myself. It's easier, sometimes I'm lonely but sometimes it's a preference.

Sorry.....cramping fingers and hands so I'm cutting this off.

Love you all!
Deb

well i gotta add here that perhaps the reason i'm havin some more luck with the hearts and minds
of my fellow man than some of you guys is that about my only ventures "out" are Dr. and work.
i'm here at work now. puttin in my feeble few hours. these folks are great though. they know my limitations
and they know my own heart.
i'm here top do what i can. i do a great deal of my work right opn the ground here.
i'm mostly equipment maintenance and the yard here is where i spend most of my time.
here in a bit i'm gonna go in the back with my boss/very good friend and my yard dog/very good friend.
they'll be at the table...i'll be on the floor. and they wont bat an eye.
either Julio or Charlie will reach me my plate..cause i cant.....hardly a person here that hasn't helped me
get my coat on my gimpy arms.
i've been here long enough that even lots of the customers are used to me helpin em from the floo/ground.
so.......i'm spoiled.
now i gotta go cause my hands fallin off.
i love you guys like nobody else.
cause there aint nobody else like you.
Blessings all.
PEACE
t

Damn, you guys..
I'm sorry you're encountering bad experiences with people.
( glad to hear of your really good one, too, T)

I guess that's the good part about living in a tiny backwards town..most folks still keep up at least a public appearance of niceness.
( unfortunately..where I live.that may only apply if you're white for some)

I hate to think of anyone being less than kind to any of you.
Hugs.....jc

Jan, you beat me to it! First, thanks for putting the post up. Sometimes I just don't know where to begin. But you, my friend, don't miss a trick....you are phycic sometimes.....as if you are reading my mind!

All of you inspire me. I wouldn't post a lot of things on the big board because, here, I feel understood. You are my tribe. I think, hope, I'm not second guessed in what I try to express. I'd hate to accidentally hurt any of you...here or on other boards, but this is the only place I feel a level of confidence.

I don't have the friends I used to, or some family members. I grieved a long time as one by one they just couldn't handle that their friend, " the doer", was now not able to do much at all. Mostly I couldn't do for them! I'm lucky to have some real friends who love me still and make time in their busy lives for me. I treasure them. My immediate family get it as they see me every day, they know I try.
I've heard suchnthings that I'm just depressed and need phyc meds! Even after the sexual assault things got worse with ignorance of what PTSD is ....on top of CP.

Only a few months back did infinaly draw a line in the sand, so to speak. I had a bit of an epiphany like Todd.

I suddenly realized that it wasn't worth spending the limited energy I had on explaining myself to ignorant arseholes who had already judged me. I feel free, now I have honestly blessed them and set them free.

I try to keep relationships with my nieces and nephew, they know not what to believe. My daughter overheard my Mother telling them that life had gotten too hard for me and the pain killers I originally had for my back, I had become addicted to....there was nothing that could be done...I was to be pittyed! My daughter spoke up and blasted her....my Mother told my daughter she was too young to understand the choice of pain killers as a way of coping with life! I had suspicions she felt this way, but to say it to teenagers....my God! I tried to explain everything to her as did my husband, only to hear back, how pathetic I was.....and there is much, much ,more....but she is no longer in our life....she threatened to contact a lawyer if I continued to try to justify my taking tablets....I even had a mysterious call from child protection to enquire the plight of my daughter! My husband gave them my specialists contacts and our .lawyers name. The end of that! We had never been close, I was very close to my Dad and I now believe she was jealous.

CP and PTSD have taught me so much. The PTSD seems to be under control .....to be pain free.....wow! I used to think I would catch up with these people and set them straight ....now, I know how precious the loved ones in my life are, I wouldn't waste the energy.

Not all " mothers " etc are created equal .....I chased her approval and love for many years, as did my brother. My brother and I are honest and close in our relationship. The worst was my broken heart over my sister, these past few months. Hard lessons learned, empty treasured cards I used to reflect on, a farce!

I now am gate full that those who are in my life are real loving people, I treasure them so much. If even three years ago I was told I'd be in a position of such insight to people I loved unconditionally I'd shake my head in the ridiculous suggestion of it.

Wow.......talk about walk a mile in my shoes! I thank God some of my friends who remain are life long friends who witnessed my reality of my life, some from child hood some from teen tears, but we are close and they hogans seen my life....had not one other person, I think the Mother I had could have sent me insane.

CP can sometimes seem like a walk in the park compared to pain of the heart and soul.....I took my power back. But social anxiety....still working on that! Thank God I have my husband,brother, children and real friends......their love and understanding has kept me from the dark side. X I walk in light....I pray to stay that way. X

myshoe..............myfriend
you rock
PEACE
t

You all rock in my book! It makes my heart sad for all the unkindness and how people are so rude to you.
Yet you move on and shine. Like shoes said she stays in the light.

Steva never let it get you down or give much thought to what you drive or how you dress. You have a heart to help others and you do what you can.

Deb when I was in a wheelchair and then a walker it really hurt when people took no notice I need room to move. It was like I invisible to them. I don't know why people walk away but they do. I am glad someone came back to you.

Tod you are amazing that you push yourself to do what you do. I am glad the lightbulb came on and you realized you didn't have to put on the norm for people and that you could be yourself.

I don't pretend anymore. If I am a little late for an appointment I tell it like it is. I have anxiety attacks and I can't control when a migraine is coming. Some friends expect conversation and I used to try to push through. Now when I say I can't talk let alone think straight I quit. Some want to keep talking and the ones who can't respect what I tell them are no longer are friends.

Isolation is always on the back burner and sometime I go there. I have had to tell my oldest son I can't do the listening to his vents. It hurt him so bad I finally came back and said talk and I will listen but remember I am the mom and when you say certain things I am going to react as a mom and say what you don't want to hear.
I don't answer my phone often and my husband screens my calls.

I quit going to my aunt and uncles farm because they are old school and believe you work through your pain.
Mostly I feel useless. I can't keep up with anything.

I feel scared and cheated. These years should be my golden years. The years I worked for and saved money back to do enjoyable things. I push myself for my husband. We have the money to travel but each time we do I swear it will be my last. It depletes me and cause so much more pain. The frustrating thing is I want to do so much and I can't. I am just not ready to give up but yet I torture myself thinking there will be a time soon when I can do nothing.

From 2009 to present I just go downhill with more added each year. I held such anger at the surgeon who didn't replace my hip and let me suffer a year of continual never ending pain. I walked around with stage 4 Avascular necrosis and had three metal pins digging in my muscle. It didn't have to be that way and a fix would have prevented all the pain and damage to my body and mind.

Well I am writing way too much and I know this has to do with relationships. I will just say I am trying to come to terms with a changed me and hoping to learn how to just let my old me go and find a way and an acceptance to live in the here and now and not feel bad about it.

Again you all rock.....you are shining stars in my book. I am blessed to know each and everyone.

I don't share much but here I will say I have PTSD from my accident. I was sexually abused as a child. My mother allowed it to happen. I was married at sixteen and never looked back. A bad marriage to replace a bad home life. I never asked or received any help from my family from 16 on. I have always considered myself a strong fighter and now I fill weak and am tired of fighting. I have nothing left but to do the best I can.

My husband is the blessing in my life.for that I am thankful. In the end I fight to stay above water and hold on for him.

You all deserve so much more and I say unfair and wish for better for everyone here.

Hippy, I knew you were my twin soul. I love you, my dear brave friend.
Every one of you, I'm proud to know. I thank the universe for bringing us together. I'm so lucky took you guys! X

You guys are my inspiration to keep hopping....
Thankyou for sharing, n crap.. I have tears n can't type....
Love You.. x

Love you too x

Hippy..
You didn't share too much at all. No thread here is " about" anything.
It's about us....and..I love the way we give our truths..all our truths..here.

I cry for you guys and I laugh with you...and I trust like I never have outside of my marriage.
And, it's not because we're on-line and don't " really" know each other..I don't think we could know each other any better if we lived in each others pockets.

Luv ya's..jc

Love you....love you all!! So, so much! Ditto what ya all said:-)

I appreciate you all sharing so much.

I wish you didn't have to go through such heartache & mental anguish along with all the physical pain.

I want to give you all some sugar ( organic non GMO cane sugar that is) :D
Lots of love! :)