Here for you T. I always feel like I'm saying the same thing over again, but I mean it with every cubic mile of my heart when I say that I'm sending good thoughts and boundless love.

My one thing would be that I'm having trouble with my scars. I haven't cut for over 6 months now (yay) but every time I see my arms I feel like I'm going to throw up. Pardon the profanity, but fuck Hollywood and every form of advertising for the billboards and movies full of smooth skinned beauties.

Bex.
you are fuckinaye beautiful.
i know a thing or two about which you speak.
those are'nt just scars Lady they ar BATTLE scars.
you got those in a true and honest fight for life.......which you are winning............in style.
i aint suckin up or blowin smoke either one here buddy.
you may have scars on your skin....got a few myself..you know i aint talkin out my ass.
those scars are marks of battles survived.
and true life and death battles they have been.
it's a truly awful fight you have been in. for so long.
many people don't even survive the stuff you've been through. you not only do that......you shine while doin it.
throw up...bah!,,,,,,,,STAND up.....tall. you think those scars show you for somethin weak when in reality they point to a heart and soul like few ever even need to find out if they got.
well you got it Lady......in spades.
i'm sorry you feel that way.....i can understand it some i spose....but that is just because of the fucked up idea of beauty people seem to have.
true beauty is in the soul(i've seen your picture by the way and your outside is nice as well)strength....is beauty
toughness.......is beauty
determination......is beauty
compassion.......is beauty.
living through it and even being able to function....is a beautiful thing.
you, my wonderful friend....are a rare beauty and a continuing inspiration to lots of people......me at the top of that list.
i love you buddy
Peace
T

Mr Tod....
You always have a strange little Aussie Frog on your shoulder Bud, sending wishes up for better health and guidance to strengthen / enrich .. the partnership and bond you guys share, . ..... Always here for you my friend... Hugs..

Huge Hugs Bex....
Awww.... So proud of you Bex, that is an awesome achievement, n yep, fuck every form of artificial body image and perception ,....... Wishes up Bex, as each day passes, the reminders of challenges past, continue to heal and fade to reflect all the magic ..... that is.... You.... Hugs xo

Bex,. keep an eye open for a product called Bio-Oil, not sure if it is available in the land of Kiwi Birds, but it is awesome stuff for scars, weird flippers, n the likes... can get it in the pharmacies here..

Hugs, Hopes n Wishes are up for all my Dear Friends... Love you bunches... x

Seek........you are the most awesome frog in the world.
and a really good man too.
i'm grateful for your friendship and am honored to give you mine as well.
you rock froggy and i loveya
hope you are doin some betterbuddy
Peace
T

Damn it..
I want to reply to this in full..but..am not feeling...perfect..at the moment.

T...my thoughts/prayers/goodwill..whatever you want to call it..
Have been with your " marriage" since the first time you mentioned it here.
( I don't think that's something you do lightly).
I wish you the best in it..as I do in all things.

Bex..
Six months is AWESOME!!!!! You can't know how happy that makes me.
As soon as I can type more..I'll be back with more.

Seek..I noticed you didn't list anything..:-) :-) (just saying)

Mine..I don't want to spend my life on meds.
Of course..it's deeper than that..but..not up to typing it out right now.

Luvnhugs to you all.

T...thinking of you, bud

sameback Jc.
i love you buddy.

Tod always your words are straight and true. They are also kind. You have my support in every way towards your marriage. Don't know background but don't need too cause you are putting it out there. So hang tight and know in my heart I am wishing you better. You do good buddy on bringing us together

Bex true to word you are beautiful I have seen your photos and I always see your heart in all you write.
Yes battle scars. Go forward as you are blooming each day and rejoice as a survivor of the battle. I only wish I could give you a gentle hug.

Seek it is true you didn't ask.,you are inspiring. I don't mean you are tough guy but quite the opposite. You are a joy bringer. You truly generate sparkles. It is time for this frog to have a break in the never ending flare. That is what I keep in my heart everyday for you.

Good neighbor JC justincase you got it. Pills are a drag and sometimes it feels like prison.

Now me.........I am struggling with my stuff getting worse for real. I am a fix it person and I can't fix me.
I hurt so bad I feel I am loosing my mind. Can't think straight most of the time. Each day I have a reprieve of an hour three times a day with my short acting pain med. I am the oldest here so I am thinking the opposite of JC just give me some med that will get me out of the torture. I have lost my joy and hope. I want it back.

Last of all I love you all and you are always on my mind. I have never felt as close to any group of humans as I
do you.

Tod thank you for getting us going and JC I am so glad you are back. Always remember you don't have to carry it all my good neighbor.

love and peace

Hippy....i feel you sister..i really really do.
i date all the stuff i write down ...just because i guess. i was lookin through some papers on my desk the other day and in my big notebook, where i write all the "serious " stuff.....on june 17 i took up most of a full page to write.....well, if a person could STOMP with a pen, that's what i did ....and it says "I AM FUCKIN AYE LOOSIN MY MIND"
i do know where you are my friend because i'm right beside you.
of all the loves in my life(and i'm a lovey guy......not always but now i really am).of all my passions through the years.of all my true devotions both given and reveived.......NOTHING, not family, not work, not God...........fucking...........nothing......approaches the level of intimacy i have with anguish.
it makes me feel bad that this is the case ...but there it is.......EVERYTHING.....Must be done.well, let's say attempted.....according to ......pain. if i do it wrong......or even right ...seems everything ends in agony.........and there i sit......i'm with you...i need to fix stuff...make it work. i can't help it.......when the teeth let go enuff for me to think beyond surviving the minute.....i start reviewin my noters...what did i try? where wnd when did it go wrong? what NOW?...........suffer and die.
i'm resigned to the suffer.......but .somehow.........i'm gonna live while i do it.
i am broken.........but, i think i can use that brokenness to somehow help others......that is my effort currently...well, for awhile but it's a mishmash. if i can find some way to help other folks on this road.....i will count that as living. i'm ramblin here......shoulda done a message.....sorry all.....aint slept much......kinda loopy. i'll stop here.
Hippyt....i'll message you. my computer goin to the shop hopefully(see there's that "dont know but i'll try" thing that goes with every thing we do)if i can do it. should not be down too long but i really want to talk to you about this..........the pit of despair is absolutely real, as you know. as real as the iron road that brings us there., but that pit is a dyin place buddy........lets talk , you and me.......kindred we are. together we can.............not die.
apologies to everyone for this here. i really need to work on what goes here and what goes message.....but i can't type this again. i know! i'll write it down"Tod.think before typing"......that'll fix it..then i'll do it right.
it's a blessing to have a place with real friends ..you always understand when i wobble off ...it's refreshing.........saves me actually......you really are my best friends .i lovceyouguys
PEACE
T

tod

yep written in total despair and yet there are the pieces that keep me and let me realize it's not all gone wrong.
a wonderful man, a granddaughter 9 who learns from me and loves me and a couple big ole labs that give me slobbers everyday.

i think we all get it here. it is when i think of my husband and wonder how he must feel to live with a bit of me instead of all of me. yes thats despair for me. not given up and gonna reach out and grab some life.

thank you from my heart that you get it and you have my back buddy.

Dear, dear Hippy..
It makes my heart ache to hear that you're in this state. ( it's a good reminder to me to be grateful for these meds I dread taking forever..because I was where you are until my meds were raised so ( very) high.

Is your Dr one that will prescribe enough to help you?

..I completely " get" wondering how it is for your husband to live with the little bit of you that pain leaves...
But...am glad for you that you, too, have one who stays through it all.
I hope like hell your Dr will help you.

I wish I could say more than we understand, and I'm so damned sorry.
Luvnhugs
jc

T...this is our house..you can say anything here..you don't have to go to message.

What a wonderful house/ home this is. My love and empathy, understanding is with everyone.

The world we live in is so hard for others to understand unless they have walked in our shoes, and I mean walked in our shoes for a serious anount of time, a chronic amount of time. Long enough to have to start comprehending there will be no cure, but only a hope of management as things deteriate....

Big Dog, I'm sorry you have hit a wall of trying to communicate. On the most intamate of levels this torture is so very hard to explain especially when each day we try to be brave for our loved ones and present a strong front so they don't worry too much....if I showed my true feeling every day, I know they would all be in despair and possibly run for feeling inadequate in how or what to do to care for me....with counseling I've learnt to find my safe moments to lehe valve out, so to speak....it's not always on time, but I'm managing beter these days.
I count in my head to stop myself from exploding, I walk out of a room, breathe awhile...I still don't have it under control but better than before.

Bex, battle scares of survival. You WON! You are HERE! In time with practice, you will see them that way, my dear friend. I love you for being so brave. I have scars from failed surgeries, I hate them, but I remind myself I can still stand up! They didn't take my ability to walk a small distance! I win!! They look a mess, so what? I'm vertical and I wasn't for quite awhile! Your gift in writing is going to give you a wonderful future, I just know it! Use the inspiration of the pain. Most successful Artsts come from painful pasts. True fact! Those scars will in fact be invisabe to your conscious mind one day, believe me. You are an Artist with a great future, look forward not backwards. I love all you are xx

Hippy, Hippy, Hippy, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake.........my dear friend, you may be the elder in physical years, but my friend you are one the same level as all of us spirtually......never judging, forever encouraging, wise and broadminded ....you could be 36 or 58 no one could guess. You don't preach on any level.
I'm saddened to hear you are struggling. I know the feeling of wondering if my husband feels like he is living with half a person. I have no advise, accept to say, I think you and I consciously do our best. I hate pain. I hate medication. Without medication, I would not survive. I don't think you would either, my beautiful friend. So I think we need to call this a "vent". Better days must be ahead for us. I'm here for any one if need for a talk. I'm quiet due to circumstance, but if you call for me I will be there. Promise. C

Seek, I care deeply, I wrote a message recently, I meant it. Contact me any time. X

JC I have been confused by the change in your name. I was in hospital awhile and had no Internet. I hope you are OK? I struggled for years about the pills. Tortured myself. Sought council, even went to stay at a clinic and finally realized after being shown an MRI of my body compared to that of a woman same age as me the difference. A neurologist who was very kind sat with me and gently explained things to me. I had been in a state of mind running from myself and my reality, exhausting myself int.o denial trying to justify not needing these medications. I actually caused further problems of anxiety.

We all want to be healthy, it's human nature. Please be kind to your self and don't beat your self up. The stress of not taking them can actually cause more harm with out us realizing. There is a book, I can't remember the name, I think dr Tennant or similar free on interment which explains. I admire you so much xx

Please every one, all know I care x

Shoes..
Glad to see you..
Wish things were going better for you.
I always think of you as listening...even when you're quiet.

My name change came from a brief leave taking from DS..
Just a random mood on my part..:-) :-)

Luv ya, bud
jc

Damn it..
There's so much more I want to say to each and all of you..
This medium of communication is not the greatest for some of us.. :-(
I hope you all know that short replies doesn't mean I don't think of you
all often and with great affection.
Luvnhugs
jc

Sorry Big Dog, I rambled on...YES you have my LOVING UNCONDITIONAL HELPas you ask, I understand.

I would ask for support in believing in my emotional strength. Anxiety on top of physical pain is really difficult. I am being treated for it. But ......wow, first time I've let that one out of the bag! See what loving you does BG, it makes me get to the core. If we all join forces, we can help each other.

I feel your love for your wife in the way you write about her, when you even refere to her.....speak those words, show her in small gestures, a simple cup of coffee or tea unexpected. X

Jan, words are not measured in length, it's substance, you have always been a substantial friend. Love you too x

Of fuck!!! I just lost a long post in which I had replied to everyone and was just starting on my own loving help issue. Crap I hate when that happens. I'll try again this weekend, I promise. Even if its only concerning my own personal 'loving help'.