Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hello,
I'm not the group. I hope someone can help.
I realized about 1 1/2 years ago that I was attracted to a woman. We are both midlife. My H and I separated but remained in the same house. Last Fall it seemed apparent to me that she felt the same way. When I told her how I felt last Fall she was shocked. Over the past nine months, she would continually put up roadblocks as to why we should not be together. She was scared, afraid of H. This summer H and I took up separate residences. She told me she loved me but she did not think she could be with me because she is too old and didn't know if she had the strength. She told me that she had been with a woman once when she was younger. I had never been with a woman. A month later we were together. It was beautiful. Then school started and everything went downhill. She finally told me that she loves me and loves being with me but she is cannot resolve in her head how uncomfortable she is being gay. "What would my mother think?" She said she cannot talk about it with anyone but me.
Talking hasn't helped. She said maybe time will help. I can't go back to being her friend. I feel like life is short.
Any suggestions?
I'm not the group. I hope someone can help.
I realized about 1 1/2 years ago that I was attracted to a woman. We are both midlife. My H and I separated but remained in the same house. Last Fall it seemed apparent to me that she felt the same way. When I told her how I felt last Fall she was shocked. Over the past nine months, she would continually put up roadblocks as to why we should not be together. She was scared, afraid of H. This summer H and I took up separate residences. She told me she loved me but she did not think she could be with me because she is too old and didn't know if she had the strength. She told me that she had been with a woman once when she was younger. I had never been with a woman. A month later we were together. It was beautiful. Then school started and everything went downhill. She finally told me that she loves me and loves being with me but she is cannot resolve in her head how uncomfortable she is being gay. "What would my mother think?" She said she cannot talk about it with anyone but me.
Talking hasn't helped. She said maybe time will help. I can't go back to being her friend. I feel like life is short.
Any suggestions?
This relationship is a train wreck. As a woman just coming out, the last thing you need is a g/f who is homophobic or uncomfortable with her sexuality. This woman seems terrified; there is no good future for either of you as lovers. Go find someone who is comfortable in their own skin. If, as you say, you can't go back to being her friend, you need to consider severing ties. And - speaking of severing ties, you also need to resolve whatever situation you're currently in with your husband before you venture into dating women. No self-respecting lesbian wants to involve herself with someone who is still legally entangled in a relationship (with a man OR a woman). Good luck!
I would like to suggest that you gently tell your friend, that you understand, and respect her feelings. However as life is short, you do not wish to wait for a possible time in the future for her to be comfortable with her sexuality, and being friends only is painful for you. Let her go with love, respect, and gentleness, then get out and live, and enjoy life as much as possible.
Good Luck To You Both.
From the other end of the spectrum though. I am 34 and just beginning my journey of out and proud. I've never been happier and more open to a lasting relationship with a woman.
BUT...when I first was coming out it wasn't a pretty thing. Yes, I caused confusion and probably held back a lot for fear of being seen as gay and being treated badly by my family and society as a whole...but the real messy mess was in my head!
This is something she will have to work out on her own. You can't really help her accept this about herself. If you want to be there to speak to her and let her talk it out, then that's nice but it doesn't help you. She may never come to grips with this.
And I also agree that you need to completely be clear of the husband and all those issues dealt with before you want to take a new fresh promising relationship into that.
I am sorry you are dealing with this though. Stay strong!
Re: H. She and others have told me that I do need to resolve my marriage first. I am now doing this. I need to acknowledge the amount of stress he causes. I keep thinking he will "out" her in her work and me in front of my younger children. Either scenario would add another level of stress to our lives.
It's hard to find anyone who understands what I'm going through. Again, the advice is greatly appreciated.