I'm am 100% lesbian and I can never be with a man so she needs to admit she is bisexual or wants to be straight

As usual, I am dying for more info.

Why did you and your wife split three years ago. You mention that she was hurt beyond imagination. Were you the initiator of the split? Did you initiate a split in order to have an affair with a woman for x number of months? I would like to know what the cause of the unimaginable hurt was.

As a lesbian who has been with men in the past, I can absolutely see how, at a really low time in her life, your wife could take up with a guy. Maybe she was really depressed and he was really kind to her. She's been with guys before, so it wasn't her first rodeo. She probably thought you'd never return, so who would care?

He was a warm body and a friend in a really difficult time for her. And based on my own personality, I know that I would never fall in love with a guy. I'm sure he was a distraction for your wife. So yes, I believe that somebody can be primarily lesbian, but revert to a guy in desperate times. Not 100% lesbian, but pretty darned close. He was a month long blip in her 18 year relationship with you.

With that said, what are your intimacy issues with her? And have the two of you gone to any sort of counseling for them? Or for this issue?

If you really can't overcome that she was with a man, and you are not willing to hash this out with a counselor, perhaps you should let her go.

Best wishes, and more details, please...

During the time when you both took a step back did you try counseling? What were the issues that make you both decide to part ways for a while? Sometimes when people have some alone time it makes them want to reconsider things. Both of you wanted to not be alone and she did want you won't even think about doing. Not sure about her sexual preference or orientation I believe she needed a friend and found more which helped her through a difficult time. Sometimes the need comes from an outside source than the one besides. Sorry this might be hard but if this fact that she has been with a man hurts you deeply you need to lay your options down there for her and see where you both stand with respect of your relationship.

My intimacy issues with her was that for the last half of our relationship we would often go weeks, months without making love. We had been having problems for a while. That aside - yes, I screwed up. I met a woman and we began as friends that turned into flirting via chat. She lived in Chicago so I never thought it would go anywhere as I live in NC. It was more of a distraction from my unhappiness. My wife saw our chat conversations and asked me to leave. I did begin seeing her after that. But after a few weeks I missed my wife and I asked to come home. We would fight and I would leave again. We went back and forth like this for 9 months. When we split again I would see the other woman again. I know I hurt her - I know I did. I understand how she could be in a dark place and do something out of character - I did just that. I was depressed and unhappy and felt unloved and unwanted. Please don't think I'm excusing anything because I'm not. I made some really poor, selfish choices that hurt her very badly. But again, we went back and forth. We talked everyday and told each other we loved each other everyday, kissed every time we saw each other and never went more than 3 weeks without making love during those 9 months. She told me she thought I was having a mid-life crisis and that she knew I would come back to me; to us. I was lost at that time. I never hid what I did from her - she knew everything. In October we were together, going to couples counseling and this is when she started texting him. We split again in early November and they were sleeping together within a week. I came home for good at the beginning of December to find out that she had been seeing him for a month. Again, I understand feeling low and doing things you normally wouldn't. The thing is, she's lied for 3 years about their fling. Lied about the details, the questions I would ask. We've been going to couples counseling the entire 3 years. I'm not downplaying what I did at all - and I know she never would have done anything if I hadn't hurt her. I just don't understand why she went to a man. And the lies just made it worse. It was like she was hiding something; not wanting to be honest about the depth of the affair. I get being broken. I get being so low that you'll take attention from just about anyone. She has told me, very recently, that at the time she kind of liked him and was attracted to him, but in hindsight she feels it was just the attention. With all the lies I don't know what to believe. And it is very hard to accept that she was with a man as I want nothing from men. If they hit on me it skeeves me out. It's just so hard for me to understand- which is why I'm asking total strangers. But if someone is telling me that yes she could have been so broken and so low that she could have been with a man, then I will try to understand that. From all the lies, and me knowing that as a lesbian I want nothing from a man, it's just hard to know what to believe anymore.

Let's not or get the Kinsey Scale, and that everyone is somewhere along a continuum of gay to straight attractions. And most people are somewhere in the middle, so it is not black and white. I've been out for over 40 years and known lots of women committed to our lesbian community to eventually get with men. Sometimes the women were sexually abused by men as children and women felt safer for awhile till they figured out their sexuality and may turn out to be more straight. For many, they eventually identify as bisexual, but nay be in a permanent life partner relationship with a male, and we continue to welcome them. You can't assume just because someone is in a lesbian relationship at the moment that that means they could never be attracted to a man, especially if they are someone who is attracted to masculine energy, be it male or female. That does not ran she is not capable of making a life commitment to a woman though. Sounds like their are a lot bigger issues for the two of you than just the fact she slept with I guy. I understand the "gross out" factor...which I don't believe is fair, but real, especially when I was younger, or the fear that it means they can't make a commitment to me if they can also be attracted to men, but life and sexuality is just plain complicated. The older you get, the more you have to accept that within the identity of "lesbian" is a range of sexuality. If you put it to a lot of women we assume to identify as lesbian because they are in a lesbian relationship, if they were honest they would say they are bisexual but with that person because of who they are as a person, not just the gender. I was with a woman for years who decided for a couple of years that she was transgender and wanted to be referred to as "he", but I realized it didn't change how I loved her as a person, and I didn't worry that it meant I was straight, I just went with it. But wed been together in our twenties, I would have freaked out that I meant that I was straight and would lose all my lesbian community friends. I can imagine being attracted to an occasional male..not very maybe one in 100. As to whether I'd ever act on it, I doubt it, and less likely think of as ever sharing my life, but we are all different, and we should never say we know what the future will bring! Hope you both begin some deep conversation about what you really need from each other or in a relationship.

I'm with Megan, I think sexuality is complicated, and my belief is that there is a lot of fluidity involved with a lot of us.

Counseling, definitely.