Do you prefer to be friends before a relationship?

Do you sometimes want one night stands?

Do you want loose flings as in repeated sex with someone ypure not attatched to or flings where its basically a relationship, but you know theres no future?

I just feel very odd lately. I guess i need a place to vent and i dont even know the words to vent with. 

I need attention and want attention, but i dont trust anyone. 

Im on an off with my ex right now because of it. We ultimately would probably be good together if not for a few things in the sex department.

Most of the time i feel like a hyper active puppy with an older -just wanting to sleep- dog. Like how the puppy wpuld bounce around and try to instigate things from the dog, but the dog just is patient and lays there. So it gets tiring trying to get attention.(and this was an issue in the relationship as well which is why i broke up with her to begin with. And she wants to get back with me. And ultimately we are best friends that are always there for each other. 

And theres no one else im my life so i do keep falling back on her, which isnt fair. And she knows the situation. Iv talked numerous times to her about everything. Its just not in her to be more. And she shouldnt have to change either. 

So most of the time i just feel hollow, wanting to be held and loved on. Without being the one to start to. I swear if i didnt start things, literally nothing would ever happen.

No shes not cheating on me. Its just who she is. But when i first got to know her, i didnt know that. Then i fell in love with her. And now we are best friends. But we just dont click with sex. 

And im so tired now. We have been going in circles and i just dont want to do this anymore. I want attention that she will never be able to give me. But theres no one else in either of our lives. And i dont know what to do. Weve been together 6 years. Weve broken up for this reason so many times, and fall back into this pattern cause we do care about each other.

Its literally the only issue we have. Attention/sex. We are affectionate in ways that we cuddle and hold hands, and she gives me pecks for kisses. 

But if i dont start thebmake outs or rubbing or sex stuff, nothing would happen.

And some days i feel like shes as innocent as a little boy who doesnt understand what his first erection means. 

Shes older than me by 11 years....

I feel like a child rapist.

I hate feeling this way.

Which is another reason i broke up with her. I feel like an idiot saying all this. I shouldnt be crying about it and just settle down. But then we loop back to this part always. 

She loves me and wants me and i know she does. And i love her too. And i want her so badly it hurts. Literally hurts. To the point where i started to shut myself off from her emotionally and i just no longer can feel emotionally/sexually connected to her. Emotionally like shes my best friend still, yeah. But emotionally relationship wise, no. 

As for the sexual connection, that has a whole other story connected to it. Basically on average we have sex once a month, when im lucky. But a lot of the times i get horney 1-2x a week, which makes me feel like a weird unnatural freak. And before if i got horney and tried to do things with her, she would shut me down. Ok, fine. I would just let it go(or at night i would go to sleep) blue balled and hurting, cause i dont know about you, but if she isnt released she feels tender/sprained/hurts physically. But i just let it go because i feel like no means no. 

So then i started to learn to not let myself get that far. And just shut myself off. But the problem is, iv shut myself off from her, and still feel these urges that i dont want to feel anymore since i dont have anyone. It just makes me feel completely empty inside. And i feel so alone. 

So i dont know what to do. I dont know how to date random people. I dont know random people. Theres no centers around me or gatherings or anything like that. I just want to shut my emotions off fully so i dont have to feel anything.