Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
ok have been with my girlfriend for just about four months. we have seventeen year age diff. although im older one she def acts older than me. our relationship has been bit of rollercoaster due to changing jobs, kids etc. we have gotten to point where dont see each other much at all. im head over heels for her. we both come from very tough childhoods the exception is she cant talk or really show feelings and im totally the opposite for the first time and my life and tend to smother her. she having very hard time with new job and is extremely depressed. which has made me the same. we spend one night week together and couple hours here and there. i want her spend alot more nights but shes not ready. we have no sex life at all. she doesnt want be touched and barely held. she constantly miserable about everything but im in love and want to help but she wont talk only text feelings. im at point where im miserable angry and frustrated. how do i make her talk and feel. im rambling any advice would be great. thanks.
Age differences are relative to emotional maturity. You say she acts older than you, yet in my calculations she's in her early 20's. This decade of life is all about growing, maturing, trial/error/repeat/trial/fall/dust off/learn, pushing the limits, remembering/processing/dealing with/finding peace with our childhood traumas, finding out who we are, accepting/acknowledging/and working out our inner demons, disovery of what our personal morals and values are,...learning how to listen to our inner voice. Etc., Etc., Etc.
What you have before you is exactly what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. She is a beautiful, deeply emotional, very normal 23 year old woman ~ floundering and growing into her journey in life. She can't change for you; and in her particular case, she will have trouble changing for herself. She's withdrawn, depressed and struggling with all the new things in her life. This is her Personal Journey ~ and for the sake of healthy growth,...sometimes it can't be shared.
There is no doubt that you feel very strongly for her and this is a beautiful and difficult place to be. If you want to continue in her life in a healthy way,...pull back the intensity of g/f mode for awhile. Give her love through gentle support, warm friendship, positive outlooks, kind gestures, continuous laughter, less touch - more eye contact......and show her the true meaning of love....give her a comfortable, warm, safe place to be :O)
At some point on this difficult path, ......you'll need to think of yourself and what you are truly gaining from this connection. Nobody can continue to give from Love's sacred well...without it being refilled. Love is reciprocal ~ because it is Alive. It must be fed.
It sounds as if you desperately want things to work out, so there's a good chance you are going to do whatever it takes for as long as you have the energy.
It may be time for you to understand that you are dealing with a gorgeous, totally normal, maturing adult; and this woman has a personal journey. You are simply lucky enough to be standing by her as she moves down her path. Remove your expectations as a lover and see her for who she is. Being here will bring you clarity and answer all your own questions.
(((Long, long Hug)))
Keep us posted hon.
Ms. Teri must have her own website. I mean that with all good intentions. You have an amazing way of putting things into perspective. Kudos!
What really struck me first was your comment that she can't "talk or really show feelings" - and that may be profoundly important. Read up on emotional intimacy; some folks are simply not capable of it. You sound as though you are not only capable of it, but when you share it with her, somehow that gets labeled as "smothering".
That info plus the fact that she doesn't want to be touched or barely held seems to be sending a fairly loud message that she is simply not in the same relationship you are. That you're experiencing "lesbian bed death" after 4 months is huge - and does not bode well for your future. And the fact that you cannot seem to get her to talk and feel sounds like she seems to be quite comfortable with being "withholding". That's not a trait that makes for a good partner, either.
Take a long look at what you want and desire; what she is able/willing to give and compare the differences. Then ask yourself how long you are willing to wait to see if she will change or grow into the partner you want/need/desire. Then decide if that's a timetable you're willing to live with.
You've been together 4 months and are already going through these types of issues. I'd say it's time for you to do a deep, honest reassessment of what you've involved in and see if it resonates with what you want your life to be. I noticed the lack of any mention of what she brings to your relationship. Yes, yes - I know those girls in their 20s usually have better muscle tone and more fabulous silky skin than the rest of us, but still.... And besides, it doesn't sound like you're getting to enjoy much of that either!
From my perspective, I'd say this is the best it's going to get (4 months is still the "honeymoon stage"), so think long and hard about the struggle that's down the road. Don't you deserve a more reciprocal, respectful, passionate, and - frankly - a little more balanced and less self-absorbed person to share your life with?
Then it seems the reason this person came into your life is to show you that you can love and you are lovable. If that's the only positive thing you take away from this relationship ... but I doubt it is ... it will still have been well worth it.
"i had been a very cold angry woman incapable of loving anyone but my kids before i met this woman. and once again am not getting it back.. am so scared to let it go and try again."
Trust me, sugar - you have nothing to lose by trying again. Any time you're not "getting it back" is the huge red flag telling you to get out and try again. I wish you the best - you deserve it. We ALL do!