Lesbian Relationship Challenges Support Group
This community is for those who are in a gay marriage, and the unique challenges that may be had in a same-sex relationship. Find support and talk to others in a same-sex marriage, and get advice from the experiences of other members.
Hello, I am new here. My name is Rose and I am from Toledo, Ohio. I am here because I am still suffering from a break up. I was married in Canada to my spouse and we were together almost 5 years when one day she decided it was over. It was over because she had developed a crush on a much younger co-worker. a month later she packed and moved sticking me with a mortgage we both got on my home. She has tried to keep me sticking around as the younger woman did not work out, anyway. This truly devestated me. I have hiddden from the world as I have watched my life go down hill for over a year now. I cannot seem to get my self esteem back. I truly gave 110% into the marriage, more than any relationship I ever had. I went from living comfortably to living very poor now, quit college because my anxiety was so high. I cannot get out of this rut and over what happened. I do know, I cannot keep hiding from the world. It's been over a year. I still feel emmense pain and hurt, so much so that listening to a sad song I will start crying just at the thought of what happened. I am not getting any younger, I am 44 now and I truly feel my life is over. I am in the process of losing my house a long with everything else I lost.
This is a tough road, there is no doubt. I've just jumped off the path of healing (about 13 months), onto acceptance ~ and it was no piece of cake getting here. There are still moments that I have to let myself cry. These moments are very few and far between now, and one day I predict, the tears will fade into oblivion where they belong.
The thoughts that circle in our mind, from the loss of love/betrayal, to leaving us all alone to try and begin again is immense. I consider this process one of life's most difficult challenges. I still remember being able to physically feel the pain, every second of every day. On a side note, it was a great diet *wink.
There is no specific time frame for us to go through the grief process hon. We have to be there,..thinking and feeling because this truly is what moves us forward towards the light and release of fully letting go.
This is a very complex process, and fairly personal, based on our own psyche, self-confidence, what support we have and the basic views we have on life and other people. I don't want to write a book, but a few things that helped me were;
1. Allow the tears and pain ~ no holes barred. Listen to the songs that hurt, write your deepest darkest thoughts on paper, find a support system that will be patient and allow you to vent when you need to.
2. Set up personal goals. I had to move to a different town within one month of her dropping the bomb on me. I gave myself 6 months to 'hide out'..and then my goal was to venture out. Go to a library, book store, restaurant alone. At first, I would end up rushing home because I couldn't stop the tears, but I continued to force myself. I'm still working on this, but each time is better and better.
When the X came to my office for a business meeting, I decided that instead of hiding from her...that my goal would be to face her and REALLY see what I was wasting a year of grief on. I came, I saw and wow ~ the reality was, nothing was left. That goal helped me move to acceptance, merely 13 months later after over a decade of living in love with her.
3. Turn your negative energy about her, into positive energy about you. You seem like me a bit, in that I gave way too much to the relationship and lost myself terribly. I am getting back into all the hobbies and crafts that I've always loved. The focus on these crafts and the feeling of accomplishment afterwards is amazing. And, wow ~ I never thought of her once when I was that focused! :O)
4. Sleep and walk alot. This feeling of loss is just like a physical illness, and your immune system is going to suffer greatly. Allow yourself to sleep as long as you wish, and when a nice day comes about.. get out there and walk. Appreciate nature,..the little birds and squirrels flying and scampering about. See life for it's beauty and suck it in like perfume.
There's more ~ but I think you understand that this is all about YOU now, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to set goals, force yourself to achieve them,..but don't worry about forcing yourself to get over something that has ripped your to shreds. When you are ready to see things as they are,...when you're ready to forgive (you can't forget) and really, honestly are sick of this place and want to start a new life,...you will :O) That's how we rock and roll!!
((long hug))
We're here for you hon!!!
Ms. Teri has given you some invaluable advice. Theres not a lot I can add to it, but I wanted to weigh in as I am walking the same difficult path. Its been 16 months since my spouse of 19 years decided that it was okay to walk away from her commitment (albeit without telling me, of course) and waltz into a new relationship with some other unsuspecting woman.
With respect to healing/coping/surviving - I have been using the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross cycle:
Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
As I have found, it is completely normal to wander back and forth between some of the stages. Is the anger all gone? Nope, not completely but its not white-hot anymore, either after 16 months. And its counterbalanced by my joy and eagerness to move on and experience the next chapter in my life. Its taken a hell of a lot of damned hard work to get where I am. Do I resent having to do this? You bet I do. Am I mournful about having to experience this? No way. Better to find out now than 10 years from now. (I am 61 years old, by the way). And, by God, I am rediscovering the "me" that had been under wraps for years - kept there by my questionable desire to put my partner and her needs first. Jesus.
Your life is not over not by any stretch of the imagination. You are fortunate (remember that fact when times get tough) to have had your ex reveal her true colors sooner than later. Find yourself a decent counselor and start working through this process. Remember you have done nothing wrong; dont beat yourself up for falling in love with someone who didnt deserve you; it happens to the best of us. And the best of us pick ourselves up and move on. Painfully, yes, but we do move on. And sometimes it helps to remember, living well is the best revenge. If its appropriate, get yourself a good lawyer. The cost is killer, but if you have any assets, it will be well worth it. Yep, itll take time and help and its painful and expensive, but you are worth it. We all are.
You are not alone there are lots of us wandering down this new, undiscovered path. And while we pick our way through the pitfalls, boulders, and underbrush, we will meet (trust me on this) some wonderful companions. Some will be delightful but transitory; others may be the companion with whom we were meant to continue life's journey. Go discover them.
Hang in there and have faith.